jonathan harper
All The Colors Of My Butt (Leave Me Alone, Disney!)
I am really disappointed “Tangled” wasn’t nominated for the “Best Animated Feature” category. Why was Disney gypped? I’m just gonna come out and say it: I hate Disney films. Now, I’m willing to admit that I might hate them for the wrong reasons. This has nothing to do with all the onslaught of straight-to-DVD films. [...]
Slash in the Pan: Where Copyright Infringement and Sensuality Bang
Am I just getting older or is Slash Fiction just getting lazier? So, for those of you who are not familiar with slash fiction, this is erotic fan fiction with a man-on-man angle. And I kind of missed the whole slash phenomenon, though I had some friends were big fanatics about it. My friend, Meredith, [...]
Are You There, God? It’s me, Mario
The holidays are coming up and I’m looking for a gift that my boyfriend and I can enjoy together. Any suggestions? It just so happens that this cross-genre revolution is making more and more opportunities to bridge those gaps of interest between friends and lovers. She likes social-norms challenging literature with a feminist perspective and [...]
What You Need To Know About PPS
Is playing volleyball acceptable for men? My friend used to make fun of me because I did spinning classes every now and then and he called me “girly” so I decided to make fun of him because he played rec volleyball. I consider volleyball a girl’s sport, like synchronized swimming. I do girly athletic things [...]
Cow Farts Are Good For You
I want to know what exactly is a vegan? That’s a good question because there’s actually very little non-bias documentation of the vegan condition. I’ll admit it, whenever I hear the word “vegan,” I instinctively have happy thoughts of fluffy sheep and drumming circles and picnics and lesbian bookstores. And sweet potato fries … But [...]
Tom Colicchio with a Side of Artichoke Hearts
Top Chef is taking place in DC this year – since that’s your backyard, have you been following it closely and who do you think should win? You are absolutely correct to think that this season’s Top Chef being set in Washington D.C. is simply orgasmic because eventually we’ll get to see head-judge and co-host, [...]
MFA in Make Believe
Jonathan, what does one actually do with an MFA in Creative Writing? That’s right, bitches! In case you all didn’t hear, I finally graduated with an MFA, a master’s degree in the delicate art of making shit up. Of course, this is usually a wonderful topic at parties. Once an MFAer is identified, everyone [...]
George Lucas and His Green Screen of Death
If the movie Avatar was so awesome, then why didn’t it win the Best Picture Oscar? I’ll admit it. No, I did not bother seeing Avatar. I know, I know – I’m usually a firm believer in the rule: if you don’t see it/read it/experience it, you shouldn’t judge it. Usually. But there are special cases when this rule [...]
Dinner with Napalm
How would I go about throwing a fancy dinner party for upwards of 50 guests? Stage One: Denial What? Fifty people didn’t really respond to the Evite. It’s not like they all don’t know you live in a two-bedroom apartment. They don’t expect you to cook anything – you have an abortion for a kitchen, [...]
Beware of WOW Players Bearing Baby Organs
Are children getting dumber or am I getting smarter? I may not be the best person to answer this. Last time I had a babysitting job, I was almost inspired to start a career directing snuff films. And let’s face it, kids are really fucking stupid. They spend the first few years of their life [...]
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