Beloved Papa,

I am ever so delighted to find myself in Amsterdam at the dawn of the new age of floral wealth! Every person I greet in the city squares is aglow with the bright future of tulips and Dutch trade. I have heard stories in the salons that the Ottoman Sultan himself is investing most of his personal fortune in Dutch tulips! Although I intended only a short sojourn before beginning my studies at Leiden University, my plans have changed. I have become apprenticed to a merchant here in Amsterdam and shall represent him in his trade discussions with his British counterparts.  In return for his professional company, I have signed a contract pledging £10,000, which is the reason for my missive.  I am approximately £9,990 short on my commitment.  Please send a sealed note of guarantee for that amount to the address on this letter. I assure you it will be a wise investment. A month ago, a mere 40 bulbs sold for 100,000 Dutch guilders. There could be no safer investment than in tulips and your child’s future in commerce.

As always, I remain your loving son,

James Worthington

—

August 1, 1720

Dearest Father,

What a thrill it is to be in London – the center of commerce – at the beginning of a new world built by the buyers and sellers of stock!  In every corner of the city, from the noblest Duke to the lowliest stable boy, every person is seized by the prospect of wealth and ownership.  From what I have heard, King George himself has invested most of his personal fortune in the stock of the South Sea Company.  Although I intended only a short day trip to London while taking a break from my studies at Cambridge, my plans have changed.  I have become apprenticed to a stockbroker here in London and shall assist him in investing in the multitude of new corporations blooming in this age of wealth.  In return for his professional favor, I have signed a contract pledging him £25,000, which is the reason for this letter.  I am approximately £24,990 short on my commitment.  Please send a letter guaranteeing this amount to the return address on my envelope.  I promise you it is a wise investment.  Just yesterday, the price of a share of South Sea stock sold for £1,000. I have it on good authority that the price will only go up! And I shall have access to even more profitable ventures. I am exploring a purchase of a very exciting corporation, which advertises itself as “a company for carrying out an undertaking of great advantage, but nobody to know what it is.”  Such opportunties are ours for the taking, Father, if you will but trust me today.

Your grateful and respectful son,

George Worthington

—

October 10, 2005

Dear Dad,

Greetings from Las Vegas – the center of the new world of cash!  The real estate in this place is skyrocketing.  I’m telling you, Dad, every card shark, loan shark, show girl, playgirl, pole dancer, exotic dancer, hooker, stripper, waiter, and teenager has purchased an interest in land.  It doesn’t matter if it’s for casinos or condos, that’s where the money is.  I heard that Bill Gates has sold all his Microsoft stock to invest in Vegas real estate.  Now, I know that I was only supposed to stay for Columbus Day weekend before heading back to Stanford, but this place is exploding. I have already signed a letter of intent with a real estate developer to assist with his newest project on the Strip, pledging $80,000, which is the reason for my letter.  I’m currently $79,500 short.  Please send me the $80,000 you would have spent on my schooling as one lump sum now.  I guarantee I can give it back to you in six months, plus interest.  This is the new economy, and we can take advantage of it!

Peace,

Jon Worthington

—

July 22, 2030

Hey Pops,

A big “What up!” from Beijing, the epicenter of global money and power.  Everyone here is talking about the foundation of the world’s economy for the next thirty years: Peking duck.  As I’m sure you know, the world has embraced a new food revolution that will change the way we eat and live.  Peking duck is at the forefront of that.  From the littlest Communist Party member in elementary school to the most influential government official, everyone here is pouring their life savings into Peking duck exports.  I’ve even heard that Chinese President Yao has invested most of the country’s cash reserves into duck.  And, Pops, we can invest in it too.  I’ve decided to drop out of Beijing University and work for a firm founded by a chef/exporter.  I have signed a contract with him agreeing that, in return for a share of his profits, I will give him $1 million up front, which is the reason for this written message.  I am $999,000 short of my commitment.  Please deposit $1 million into my Sino-American Bank of Asia account.  I promise that I’ll pay you back double – you won’t be sorry!

Your loving son,

Tre Worthington

————

Before he became the Boy from Nowhere – the One Who Walked In, the First and Last and Only, who lived a thousand years – he was just a little boy in New Hampshire, named John. John Frank Weaver. You can follow his plans to introduce his unborn child to culture at Content Based Dad. His right hand writes about life as a sock puppet on Twitter.

To All TSA Agents:

In the wake of recent airport security lapses, the TSA has devoted considerable time and energy to alternative screening techniques.  Although the Administration’s initial planning focused on overt measures at the traditional security checkpoint – e.g., underwear checks, random full body cavity searches, etc. – further investigation has led Administration officials to believe that such efforts would not yield the desired results.  Rather, our 18-month survey of airline passengers revealed that such added security would “enrage,” “annoy,” or “boil the blood of” 93.4% of the American public.

However, a careful review of our efforts to prevent terrorist attacks on airlines, both successful and unsuccessful, has revealed a metric of potential danger: books.  By monitoring the books that passengers purchase and/or read in the airport prior to boarding the plane, we believe we can identify potential attackers before they are in a position to do harm.  Beginning in summer 2010, all agents will receive training in what we are calling the No Fly Book List, which will categorize the danger signals sent by certain books and authors.  Although the training will be more comprehensive, the following list of warning signs associated with books and authors is provided for your general information of the new program:

- 1,000 Places to See Before You Die Series:  Threat level high.  Prior to an attack, most terrorists ruminate on what they might have done with the rest of their lives.  These books came up a lot in our focus groups.  Retain all individuals in possession of it for questioning.

- John Grisham and Robert Ludlum (in combination): Threat level high.  Nearly 60% of the people traveling on planes in America are reading a book by either Grisham or Ludlum.  However, an individual purchasing, reading, or carrying books by both authors is trying too hard to look normal and should be retained for questioning.

- The Andromeda Strain:  Threat level high.  While most Crichton titles – e.g., Jurassic Park, Congo, etc. – are harmless, retain for questioning any individuals carrying The Andromeda Strain.  This novel is a potential guidebook to extraterrestrial biological terrorism.

- David Sedaris:  Threat level varies.  Anyone between the ages of 30 and 40 reading a Sedaris book is clean.  Anyone outside of that age range reading a Sedaris book should be retained for questioning because they exhibit a dangerously terrible judgment of character.

- Parliament of Whores:  Threat level medium.  Although PJ O’Rourke is not an automatic harbinger of doom in America, an individual with a poor sense of irony is potentially dangerous with this title.  Maintain close scrutiny.

- Josh Billings: Threat level medium. Retain for questioning anyone in possession of a Josh Billings book. Without an interview, it is impossible to know the difference between a would-be attacker (who is unable to discern the obscure Billings from the famous Mark Twain as part of an appropriate disguise) and a pretentious American Studies grad student. Approach with caution, as both can be volatile.

- Ayn Rand: Threat level medium.  The TSA’s official position on the power of the individual is consistent with federal policy toward individual achievement: Nothing good has ever come of it.  Therefore, we advise that agents retain for questioning anyone in possession of The Fountainhead, Atlas Shrugged, or any other Rand book.  Remember the old maxim: Just because an individual can achieve nothing doesn’t mean an individual cannot ruin everything.

- Douglas Adams:  Mostly harmless.

Obviously, this list is not exclusive.  It should also be noted that there is a flexible category of political authors and books that the TSA can switch among threat levels depending on which party is in Washington.  Our intention is to update that list every other January, so be sure to advise your families accordingly when they travel.

Please also note that the TSA will soon develop a No Fly Children’s Book List.  We have to ensure that potential attackers are not sneaking onto our planes protected by the cloak of Good Night Moon. Another memo concerning this new program will be forthcoming.

Sincerely,

Office of the TSA Administrator

————

John Frank Weaver lives in New Hampshire, where the men wear ironic t-shirts and the women roll their eyes. You can follow his plans to introduce his unborn child to culture at Content Based Dad. His right hand writes about life as a sock puppet on Twitter.

Lucas: We have had great success in recent years, and the last 12 months have been one of our busiest and most productive. To discuss this period of growth, I’d like to welcome our treasurer to the stage: Steven Spielberg.

[Applause]

Steven Spielberg: Thank you, George. I can’t believe that it was only a year ago that I stood here presenting you with a lifetime achievement award for the Star Wars prequels. How about another round of applause for our president, he works so hard for us!

[Ravenous applause]

Spielberg: Well, this has certainly been an amazing year for our organization. Last year saw the worldwide craze over Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. George and I were never prouder than when fans everywhere started crying “They should have just left Indy alone!” And don’t worry about the South Park guys. Our operatives in Colorado will be taking care of them soon.

[Whooping applause]

Spielberg: The first half of 2009 has given us another milestone in our movement: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

[Enthusiastic applause]

Spielberg: Michael Bay had us concerned in 2007. He had the opportunity to take one of the most beloved children’s toys of the 1980s and warp it into something that would completely decimate 75% of all males, ages 21-35. Yet inexplicably the director behind Armageddon and Pearl Harbor couldn’t make that movie a disaster. We all thought, “Oh no, is Michael losing his touch?”

[Knowing laughter]

Spielberg: But in 2009, he taught us that the rules of ruining childhood memories have changed and we need to change as well! Our efforts over the last decade have hardened audiences. They now expect us, our updated films, and our digitally re-mastered re-releases to ruin their childhoods. Michael showed us a new path: Make a decent movie, and then sucker punch them with the sequel.

[Explosive applause]

Lucas:  Thank you, Steven. I know I speak for everyone here when I say I can’t wait to see how you ruin Jurassic Park in another 10 years. I’m hoping that you decide to make the velociraptors talk with a cute accent. It worked for me! But now, I’d like to introduce our newest member. We have all been thrilled by this man’s current project, which premiered this summer. He had the guts to take on a project that we’ve talked about since the formation of our organization, a beloved all-American toy for the last 50 years. Ladies and gentlemen, a big round of applause for Stephen Sommers, the director of GI JOE: Rise of Cobra!!

[Standing ovation]

Stephen Sommers: Thank you, George. Thank you, everyone! I’ll keep my remarks brief. I stand tonight with legends of crushed childhoods, and I know it takes more than one deeply flawed movie to earn my place in this pantheon.

[Applause]

Sommers: This organization is why I entered filmmaking. You take the manna of children’s imaginations and make it corporeal. You entice to theaters kids of all ages, from the young to the young at heart. And then, just when they’ve lit up their souls with the possibility of wonder, you snuff out that flame like a wet burlap sack over a scented candle! That’s why I’m here! That’s why I made the movie! I hope it does honor to our cause! Thank you!

[Rapturous applause, cat calls, whistles]

Lucas:  Thank you, Stephen! That concludes our introductory remarks. Please stay for the morning session: David Lynch is here to discuss his remake of Rainbow Brite. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait!

———

John Frank Weaver received $1.25 million from the stimulus package to write for Defenestration. In return for receiving those funds he agreed to forgo his annual bonus, which was going to be a puppy.

We propose to add a new holiday to the traditional Gregorian calendar. Holidays inspire American consumers to purchase greeting cards, regardless of the nature of the holiday. People send Christmas cards, Valentine’s Day cards, Easter cards, Thanksgiving cards, and Halloween cards. Even minor holidays such as Arbor Day and International Talk Like a Pirate Day produce noticeable increases in greeting card sales. In the current economic downturn, we would like the federal government to announce a new holiday as soon as possible. In response to a brand new holiday, we expect card sales to increase 5.26% over the same period from the previous year. Our studies have revealed that potentially popular holidays include Middle Name Pride Day and Software Freedom Day.

Animation Industry

The White House press briefing has become a stale event in the news cycle: reporters ask questions, the press secretary avoids giving clear answers. At the same time, the cartoon consumption of the American media consumer is in freefall. We suggest that the federal government contract cartoonists to animate the press secretary and the White House press briefing. Obviously, this gives the Executive Branch the opportunity to prescreen questions ahead of time, as animating a live press briefing would place a tremendous strain on the cartoonists’ hands. The briefings can later be repackaged as DVD specials with extra features, like animated current event games for the kids. As everyone knows, kids love current events.

Porn Industry

A measure of the economy’s tough shape is the slow down in the porn industry, normally the most recession-proof of recession-proof industries. However, there are some simple, common sense solutions that would provide a measure of relief to the business. While porn studios are implementing some of these strategies, we need the federal government. Essentially, we want to put a library of pornos in the Lincoln Bedroom. Don’t worry – we will provide these DVDs free of cost to the government. In return, we will be able to attach our films to the prestige of the nation’s most famous bedroom, a marketing opportunity that will put some Viagra in our limp sales. All that’s required from the federal government is that it invite us to do our thing where Lincoln slept.

Synergy Industry

The biggest problem facing the synergy industry is that other industries no longer want to combine. This prevents natural co-assisting sale and production elements from decreasing cross-industry costs and increasing cross-industry value. However, we have become aware of stimulus proposals from other industries which we feel lend themselves well to the assistance of the synergy industry. That is why we are asking the federal government to work with the greeting card, animation, and porn industries in their stimulus package requests. But we also want the government to contract us to coordinate it. We plan to combine those proposals into the creation of a new holiday: Porn in the Lincoln Bedroom Day, which will be commemorated with an animated special, possibly involving Charlie Brown. Although some may see this as a drastic step, it is vital to restoring the vibrancy of the American economy.

————

John Frank Weaver received $1.25 million from the stimulus package to write for Defenestration. In return for receiving those funds he agreed to forgo his annual bonus, which was going to be a puppy.

Thank you for writing to TiVo, Inc. We are always delighted to hear from our subscribers, particularly when they offer us an opportunity to address concerns and improve TiVo service. Certainly, your letter qualifies. In it, you state that your TiVo is programmed to automatically record three programs every week: 24, WWE Raw, and UFC – The Ultimate Fighter. Based on these regularly recorded programs, as well as one-time only recordings like UFC 76: Knockout, the Tivo Suggestions function has recommended other programming it believes you will like. According to your letter, most of these suggestions are logical, although you do not always watch them. For example, TiVo suggested that you watch WWE Friday Night Smackdown! because you like WWE Raw, although you declined, feeling that “the plotlines are pedestrian and don’t move the human spirit” in the same way that WWE Raw does.

However, you expressed concern and even outrage at some of the other programming suggestions TiVo made for you. In particular, Hannah Montana seemed to trouble you. You spent three pages ranting about the show, which TiVo suggested to you five times. In those pages, you berated TiVo for thinking you could enjoy a “stupid kids show” that features “some annoying 14-year old Disneyfied, popstar wannabe.” Apparently you felt particularly betrayed upon learning that Billy Ray Cyrus also starred, writing that you “actually ripped out a car radio and threw it on the highway” when your favorite radio station played “Achy Breaky Heart” during the height of its popularity.

However, Hannah Montana features some striking similarities with your programmed shows, like 24. Both Billy Ray Cyrus and Kiefer Sutherland share gritty good looks and faces weathered by lives of action. Additionally, themes of fatherhood and daddy-daughter relationships are prevalent in the two shows. Perhaps most telling, both Hannah Montana and 24 feature high concepts that force the viewers to deal with the shows on their own terms: 24 illustrates the tension inherent in confining a show’s events to one day, Hannah Montana illustrates the tension inherent in a teenager trying to straddle normal life and pop superstardom. The list of similarities goes on and on.

Additionally, complicated and tumultuous relationships are the centerpiece of Hanna Montana, much like they are on WWE Raw. The strained relationship between ex-paramours Hannah Montana and boy-movie-star Jack Ryan closely resembles the tumultuous and often violent relationship between ex-lovers Lita and Kane, particularly after Lita flushed his engagement ring down a toilet and attempted to have sex with Edge in the middle of the ring. I might add that the prominence of theme music on both shows is another indication that these shows are more alike than you think.

Finally, one of the most important themes in UFC – The Ultimate Fighter is fame. Contestants on the show must deal with their own expectations of winning a six-figure, 9-fight deal that ensures them a spot on Ultimate Fighting pay-per-view events and all the attention that comes with it. Similarly, Miley Stewart, Hannah Montana’s alter ego, must cope with the strain of hiding her famous, popstar identity while living as a normal teenager. I think you’ll find that when viewing these programs with that theme in mind, they are almost the same show, except that The Ultimate Fighter has more blood.

Mr. Markham, I hope that this letter addresses your concerns and convinces you to embrace the programs that TiVo Suggestions has recommended to you. We here at TiVo, Inc. stand behind that function’s ability to know what you want even more than you do. Remember, your TiVo gets you.

Regards,
Michael Poryes,
TiVo Customer Relations

_____________________
John Frank Weaver is the pen name of a fictitious writer dreamed up by an infinite number of typewriter-pounding monkeys, which were created by Émile Borel, a physicist featured in a Wikipedia entry written by someone named John Frank Weaver.

I have asked you on numerous occasions to cut the branch on your tree that hangs over onto my property. These have been very reasonable requests and your refusal to comply is indicative of very Dark Magic at play. I believe you are under the control of a dark wizard who has cast an Imperius Curse on you. As such, I will have to stupefy you should the branch still be in place by the end of the week. I assure you that you will thank me. You never appreciate your body so much as when someone else has possessed it to plunge property lines into anarchy.

Regards,

Harry Potter

*****

Dear Mrs. Markum,

This weekend you hosted a party at your house, which looked very nice although Ginny and I were not invited. However, your guests parked up and down the street, on both sides, making it extremely difficult to drive to the grocery store for our weekly food shopping trip. As a result, I had to cast reducio on the lot of them just to get around. Unfortunately, I was very busy and never got around to using engorgio to bring them back to their normal size. I apologize for rendering your friends’ cars unusable as automobiles, but I hear roller skating is becoming quite popular again, so perhaps the cars can be recycled as those. In the future, though, you may avoid this problem by not terrorizing the street with a horde of cars.

Regards,

Harry Potter

*****

Dear Mr. Taylor,

I never got around to welcoming you to the neighborhood, but Ginny and I were very glad that the new mailman lived so close. We thought it would be wonderful to have a mailman who knew everyone in the neighborhood and who wouldn’t deliver mail mistakenly. Sadly, this past week you seem to have confused our home with the Coopers across the street, as we received their phone bill. Such villainy will not stand! This is the type of service we were hoping to avoid by having a neighbor working for the post office. I recommend you learn who your neighbors are, Mr. Taylor, or else I will be forced to save our cul-de-sac by performing the Cruciatus Curse and inflicting great pain on your person. I think a little discomfort will be very effective as on-the-job training. As Merlin once said, “Wizards of ability demand service.” Consider this a friendly head’s up.

Regards,

Harry Potter

*****

Dear Ms. Townsend,

Yesterday I caught your dog relieving himself on my yard, the sixth time this month that this has happened. Clearly, this is indicative of a lair of giant spiders living underneath your home, as your dog is too afraid to crap on your property. Never fear, for I have burned down your house with Fiendfyre, almost assuredly destroying the giant arachnids at the same time. Please do not worry about thanking me. Knowing that I have rid the world of evil – and my yard of your pooping puppy – is all the reward I need.

Regards,

Harry Potter

————

Because John Frank Weaver could not stop for Death, Death kindly stopped for a bathroom break.

Sylvester Stallone stars in this sequel to the smash 1989 hit, Tango and Cash. Set almost twenty years after the original, Ray Tango (Stallone) and Gabe Cash (Kurt Russell) have risen as partners to the top of the L.A.P.D. However, a freak traffic accident crushes Cash’s mind, sending him on a violent rampage through the streets of Los Angeles. Now, the only cop who can stop him is his former partner, Tango, who has to use all his cunning and guile to stop his best friend. Costarring Rob Schneider as wisecracking sidekick MePod, Tango: Cashed Out promises to be the biggest comic, action packed, rampaging-former-police-officer film of 2008!

Judge Dreddful

Sylvester Stallone stars in this sequel to the smash 1996 hit, Judge Dredd. Set a decade after the original in the year 2149, Judge Joseph Dredd (Stallone) battles tax evaders in a dystopian future, where the IRS has come to dominate all aspects of government. In this system of justice, the judges are the auditors, juries, and executioners all in one. Tax evasion is the most serious crime, and Dredd has been assigned to hunt down the planet’s most flagrant evader: William Gates VI. Costarring Rob Schneider as wisecracking sidekick Fergie, Judge Dreddful promises to be the biggest comic, action packed, post apocalyptic romp of 2008!

Coathanger

Sylvester Stallone stars in this sequel to the smash 1993 hit, Cliffhanger. Set fifteen years after the original, Gabe Walker (Stallone) has moved away from the Rocky Mountains to the bucolic and idyllic town of Pleasantness, Nebraska. There he peacefully operates a drycleaner, but his tranquility is disrupted when former members of the Irish Republican Army, led by Saleh bin Tariq Al-Fulani (Colm Meaney), come to town looking for a lost suitcase full of cash. Walker must stop them from finding the money in order to prevent a world wide terrorist attack. Costarring Rob Schneider as wisecracking sidekick Rufus, Coathanger promises to be the biggest comic, action packed, dry cleaning hit of 2008!

Demolition Men

Sylvester Stallone stars in this sequel to the smash 1993 hit, Demolition Man. Set one year after the original in 2033, police officer John Spartan (Stallone) has transferred from Los Angeles to Miami. There he must join forces with the toughest detectives on the Miami police force, Trixie O’Shaughnessy (Michael Duncan Clark) and Bruiser Clarke (Danny DeVito), to take down a crime lord who threatens to disrupt the age of peace and economic prosperity that has reigned for ten years in Miami. Costarring Rob Schneider as wisecracking sidekick JoJo, Demolition Men promises to be the biggest comic, action packed, futuristic police investigation of 2008!

Stop or My Mom Will Shoot Again

Sylvester Stallone stars in this sequel to the smash 1992 hit, Stop or My Mom Will Shoot. Set fifteen years after the original, Sgt. Joe Bomowski must say good bye to his mother (Estelle Getty), who has been battling cancer for over a year in the hospital and has returned to her home to die in peace. But all is not well. There is a psychopathic Meals on Wheels volunteer who has been leaving a trail of murdered recluses. At her own insistence, Bomowski uses his mother as bait to trap this maniac before he can strike again. Costarring Rob Schneider as wisecracking sidekick Harpy, Stop or My Mom Will Shoot Again promises to be the biggest comic, action packed, recluse killing, psychological thriller of 2008!

———–

Upon receiving his acceptance for a second time, John asked, “As the author, can my name be listed as ‘John Frank Weaver?’ It, quite frankly, is a ridiculous distinction; no one calls me that. However (and I’m not making this up) it helps my mother google my pieces. There apparently are a million John Weavers out there and only one with a Frank in the middle. She actually complained last month.” We’ll do anything for John’s mom. Hi Ms. Weaver!

Local Business Sponsor: Wanda’s Brassiere and Lingerie Gallery. Mom received three dozen Infinity Edge Push-Up bras, Wanda’s most popular push-up, for the ultimate lift and cleavage. The 6-year old got teddies of multiple styles: lacy, velvet, mesh, leather, etc. 10-year old was given every different design of Wanda’s short romper one-piece bathing suit, each of which transforms into a hoodie.

***

Family 2: Father, 36 years old; daughter, 13 years old. Father would like a set of durable hand tools. Daughter likes fantasy books, particularly vampire romance.

Local Business Sponsor: Leo’s Olde Style Barbershop. Dad received a free moustache waxing and two tins of Dapper Dan hair gel. Daughter received a certificate redeemable for one perm and dye job with the hair color of her choice.

***

Family 3: Dad, 21 years old; Mom, 20 years old; Baby girl, 18 months. Dad would like a nice pair of slacks and a tie. Mom would like kitchen ware. Little girl likes rattles and books for ages 3 and under.

Local Business Sponsor: Wilson’s Gas n’ Go. Dad received a gift card good for a free pair of sunglasses at any one of Wilson’s 3 convenient service stations around the county. Mom received a free DVD rental from any one of Wilson’s 2 convenient video rental counters at its 3 convenient service stations around the county. Baby girl received a Gas n’ Go gift card, good for $10 worth of gas at any one of Wilson’s 3 convenient service stations around the county.

***

Family 4: Man, 66 years old; woman, 65 years old; their son, 40 years old; his wife, 39 years old. 66-year old man would like a pair of wool gloves and a winter hat. 65-year old woman would like new rain coat. 40-year old man would like winter boots. 39-year old women could use thick socks and underwear.

Local Business Sponsor: Main Street Investment, LLP. Everyone in the family receives a free session with Charles Grotting, head manager of Main Street’s Small Cap Statistical Market Neutral Fund, one of Main Street’s highest returning asset management funds. A talk with Grotting gives every family a better idea of where to invest their money, how to plan for retirement, and how to construct wills to take advantage of loopholes in the estate tax.

***

Family 5: Father, age 39; mother, age 37; son, age 11. Father wants a winter jacket. Mother wants new reading glasses. Son wants the teddies and push-up bras that Family 1 got.

Local Business Sponsor: Harry’s Tavern. Father and mother both received a whiskey, straight. Son was given the chance to talk about his issues with Sully, the bartender.

————

John Frank Weaver is the pen name of a fictitious writer dreamed up by an infinite number of typewriter-pounding monkeys, which were created by Ãmile Borel, a physicist featured in a Wikipedia entry written by someone named John Frank Weaver.