This month was going to be a review of the 1940 version of Pride and Prejudice, because it is a horrible adaptation of a wonderful story. However, Eileen and Andrew shamed me into writing about movies that had recently come out. Why? Because, according to Andrew, I would never shut up about them otherwise. Also,

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Everyone, this is my new boyfriend, Ron Perlman. You all might know him from Beauty and the Beast, in which he wore a ton of makeup. You might know him from the recent Hellboy, in which he wore a ton of makeup. Red this time. Maybe you’re a Star Trek fan? He was in Nemesis.

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So. Has anyone else here seen The Piano? No? Good idea. But for those that need to write a report on it, I offer you an Intellectual Summary. (We couldn’t get the rights to the pictures, so I have drawn them myself.) Holly Hunter: I haven’t spoken since I was six, for no real reason.

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In general, this column will be where you go to read reviews of truly craptacular movies that one should not die without having seen. However, it’s Oscar time, and Ubiquitous Film Review Column is as much a slave to Oscar power as any other media outlet! As this year’s Oscar race approaches, the buzz increases

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