genevieve valentine
The King’s Bore
February; the most romantic month of the year, when everyone’s thoughts turn, panicked, to chocolate they forgot to buy for 13 days, and a small group of my friends gathers in Duane Reade to watch men snatch up boxes of Russell Stover and bet how long it will be before their girlfriends dump them. Hint [...]
“Tristan & Isolde”: A Love that Best Not Speak its Name
I would like to say, for the record, that I knew this would happen. The moment I walked into the Union Square multiplex and saw the banner fluttering stupidly in the breeze, ampersand glistening, I knew that Haratron and Andrew would be handing me a ticket to hell, and James Fraco would get top billing. [...]
Blood of Beasts: the HypnoHair, the Bearface, and the Awful, Awful Wardrobe
So, the two plots converge when Daddy goes back for his daughter and finds out that she’s totally dating Bearface, and there’s a big fuss and she’s brought home against her will and then makes Jake fight for her hand against Bearface. Standard stuff. So Jake and Bearface square off, and while the fight is [...]
“Queen of the Damned”: Still Not a Euphemism.
As this is unofficially Anne Rice Appreciation Month here at Defenestration, I took it upon myself to examine in detail the rich cinematic world that has been borne out of Rice’s fertile imagination. Then I put the Interview with a Vampire box down and rented Queen of the Damned instead. Queen of the Damned was [...]
It’s a Scream: Sting and Olivier fight. TO THE DEATH.
As Halloween bears down swiftly upon us, I feel that it’s my responsibility to review a frightening movie, guaranteed to set your teeth on edge, keep you from sleeping, and make you think twice about being in the house alone. My first contender was the 1985 classic Frankenstein morality play The Bride, if by “morality [...]
ERAGON: a Rondo
I. dusk streaks the sky in pink, like a pervert. speaking thus of perverts: paolini. he and his dragon lass seek the evil galbatorix, scourge of over-the-counter laxatives in many a foreign land. “his vocabulary is so large!” the reporter cries, a bard in the desert. the biggest word used by the hero: “wonderful.” you [...]
Veronica Marrs
Okay. Veronica Mars. If you are a hipster, a geek, a dork, a cheerleader, a guy who wants to nail a cheerleader, or someone on Livejournal, you’re watching Veronica Mars. But really, you should stop. I know they put out a big campaign to make you watch, out of guilt – GOOD TV WILL VANISH [...]
Christian Bale: A History
Dear Christian Bale, Now that you are the new Batman, I know you have a lot of people admiring your work for the first time. Since most of them are women, I will assume you get approached in the street a lot, which has to be uncomfortable for you, as you are British and therefore [...]
“Kingdom of Heaven”: Choose Your Own “Adventure”
There is a scene in Kingdom of Heaven that perfectly sums up the film as a whole. Young knight Balian, played with cheese-sandwich thoughtfulness by starlet Orlando Bloom, has vowed to defend the helpless. Therefore, he takes his ragtag band of a dozen glorified extras and rides headlong into approximately twenty thousand well-armed Muslims. The [...]
Rich, Chocolate Constantine. More Constantine, Please!
This month we examine Constantine, an antihero comic book movie based on “religion.”As you can see by my use of quotes, this movie will be long and contain a lot of pointless and inaccurate religious references. I shall ignore most of them in this review, as I ignored them in my free screening, because I’m [...]
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