genevieve valentine
Abridged Classics: “Becoming Jane”
Wherein I slog through two hours of retrofitted history so you don’t have to. ———— Genevieve is a prolific writer of speculative fiction living in New York, but you’ll never find her there because millions of people live there and Genevieve likes her privacy. Examples of her fiction can be found in Strange Horizons, Fantasy Magazine, [...]
CAN YOU DIG IT?
So, sometimes people ask me “What do you like in a story?” or they ask me “What’s your favorite movie?” or they ask me “How did you get to be so disturbed?” The answer to all of those is probably The Warriors. With most of my favorite movies you can say, “That movie sort of [...]
Eileen and Andrew Play MASH while Genevieve Burns Harry Potter
M A S H Profession Garbage Inspector Gynecologist Sweatshop Manager Performance Artist (homeless) Sultan of Dubai’s Girlfriend Hobby Hooking Taxidermy Playing Bradley Headstone at Dickens World Coupon Clipping Enthusiast Staring at Andrew Who You Will Marry Bruce Willis circa 1989 Andrew Ryan Reynolds Chad the Ex-Boyfriend Larry King Children A Swarm Macaulay [...]
“Anne of Green Gables”: The Code
Recently, rereading Anne of Green Gables, I had to stop and ask myself why. The answer was, “Because it was the first thing I grabbed on my way to the subway,” but the general idea is that the book is a little weird. Long the domain of spinsters-in-training, children’s literature enthusiasts, and hordes of preteen [...]
Abridged Classics: “The Tudors”
Like any costume geek, I’m watching The Tudors on Showtime. But, despite the costuming, there’s something a little…different about this Henry VIII. And by “different,” I mean “flaming.” ———— Genevieve is a prolific writer of speculative fiction living in New York, but you’ll never find her there because millions of people live there and Genevieve likes [...]
“Eragon”: An Epic Mad Lib
Well, gentle readers, recently that _________, ________ fantasy movie Eragon was released. Rather than go see the film, I thought I would leave you with a clichéd fantasy movie summary with blanks you can fill in yourself. It’s what the filmmakers did, and I don’t know why I should put in more effort than they [...]
“The Prestige”: Dicktacular.
DISCLAIMER: Okay, so, The Prestige is the best movie of the year, and everything here is the world’s biggest spoiler. If there were any more spoilers, it would be a road race. There’s a lot of run-of-the-mill dickery in movies; assfaces have pushes forward movie plots from Birth of a Nation (awkwaaard) to Silence of [...]
“Equilbrium”: An Abridged Classics Video
Science fiction is such a hard genre to pin down. By which I mean it’s terrible. Don’t believe me? Have a look at Equilibrium, where Christian Bale spins his wheels and works on his American accent, where Sean Bean is not a bad guy and is therefore quickly dispatched, and where kids are little assholes. [...]
Putting the “V” in “LOVE”
I loved V for Vendetta. I was supposed to go make fun of it because Hugo Weaving is clearly taking over the world one scenery-chewing part at a time, and because if Alan Moore of Castle Greyskull has denounced it than you know it’s pretty damn evil, but then I saw it. I loved V [...]
The King’s Bore
February; the most romantic month of the year, when everyone’s thoughts turn, panicked, to chocolate they forgot to buy for 13 days, and a small group of my friends gathers in Duane Reade to watch men snatch up boxes of Russell Stover and bet how long it will be before their girlfriends dump them. Hint [...]
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