encyclopedia douchebag…ica
Douchebag Education Begins at Home – Part 1
In honor of Mother’s Day, I figured it’d be apt to talk about our nation’s fine example of half-assed parenting. I’m certain that because I have yet to breed that I have no room to comment on how others raise their children, and if you think that, you can eat me. I’m not here to [...]
Color Discrimination Gets a Bad Rap
Recently, I decided it was time to purchase a new laptop, nothing too fancy, just a better than average laptop for various nerdy things I’m into. So, I head over to Best Buy’s website to peruse their selection, just to give me an idea of pricing, and to compare specs. Most of them have basic [...]
It’s Lonely at the Top
Coming from the “Land of the Freakishly Tall”, I understand the fascination that you vertically challenged folks have with our height. You stare at us in awe as if our size was gifted to us by the Gods themselves, making us preordained to lead humanity into a Golden Age of Prosperity, and that is too much pressure. I just want to lounge around eating various cheese and meat products straight from a can like any other normal person. I’m well aware of how amazing you short folks think we are, really I do, and I’m certain you’d like nothing better than to be our sidekick, which is why I’m gonna give you a few pointers as to how to get into our good graces or, at the very least, keeping us from grinding your bones to make our bread.
Ho, Ho, H-ah Forget It
Another Christmas has come and gone, and, much like everyone in my life who I thought loved me, has left me, leaving me an even more bitter and cynical man than I was the year before. There are certain things I’ll just never understand about the whole Christmas phenomenon; I get the history of it, [...]
Parking is Serious Business
Dear FedEx Field Parking Attendant (or whatever nonsensical title they made up to make you feel good about yourself): On October 17th, a group of friends and I headed down to FedEx Field before the Redskins/Colts game to partake in a little tailgating, as most attending football games do. We arrived fairly early, and proceeded [...]
Insert rod “A” into slot “B”
Being able to make efficient use of my time and energy (or being lazy, whichever), I’m not fond of doing anything that involves: A) Me leaving my cave, B) Having to expend any extra energy on my part. So, when I do have to venture into the outside world, I have a set list of [...]
First Down Syndrome
Football (REAL football, not this soccer nonsense), a sport enjoyed by Americans the world over. A game where it’s not only allowed, but encouraged to knock the crap out of people much smaller than you. A sport that has a holiday dedicated to it, where the main course consists of various meats covered with various [...]
Yeah, I AM the Manager…
Maybe I missed something, but is it written somewhere that when I’m not satisfied with the most insignificant of things, that I’m allowed to become an outright prick? I mean, if it is, I’d like to have this document sent to me so I can create a laminated card containing the specific section, hang it [...]
Douchebag Bingo
Greetings viewers! Yes, I realize that this is indeed in print, so I should’ve addressed you as readers, but I figured you’d more than likely stick around to read this journalistic masterpiece to judge me for my apparent “botched” opening, but alas, I have tricked you. Now that you’ve taken the bait, you have no choice [...]
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