Dear Friend,

Let me first thank you for coming to my party. We don’t hang out enough, and we should. Sadly, as you may already know, when I get drunk, things that may seem amusing to me at the time reveal themselves, upon sober reflection, to have been in poor taste. With that in mind, and for expediency’s sake, please, fill out and present to yourself this abject apology with my deepest regrets. I look forward to putting this unfortunate business behind us.