chris eatman
Junk on the Trunk
The everyday horseless carriage is something many an individual makes use of to live their lives as they trod off to work and perform the duties necessary to keep a house running in tip-top shape. In a perfect world, that’d be all they’d be used for…but it’s not–pretentious jerkbags have decided to use the rear [...]
Gone Dictatorin’
Currently, I’m toying around with the idea of running for some form of political office, the good kind where you have actual power, not some piddly comptroller. I’d like to say my intentions would be noble and pure as I strive to improve the lives of all of the citizens that turn to me for [...]
When All Else Fails, Resort To Beating
An important thing for children today is establishing their social standing amongst the roving tribes of feral children. Now, in watching various nature programs on NatGeo, this is generally accomplished by overthrowing the Alpha male/female, which is usually determined via some sort of violent altercation which, at minimum, ends with some type of horrible disfigurement. [...]
Douchebag Education Begins at Home – Part 1
In honor of Mother’s Day, I figured it’d be apt to talk about our nation’s fine example of half-assed parenting. I’m certain that because I have yet to breed that I have no room to comment on how others raise their children, and if you think that, you can eat me. I’m not here to [...]
Color Discrimination Gets a Bad Rap
Recently, I decided it was time to purchase a new laptop, nothing too fancy, just a better than average laptop for various nerdy things I’m into. So, I head over to Best Buy’s website to peruse their selection, just to give me an idea of pricing, and to compare specs. Most of them have basic [...]
It’s Lonely at the Top
Coming from the “Land of the Freakishly Tall”, I understand the fascination that you vertically challenged folks have with our height. You stare at us in awe as if our size was gifted to us by the Gods themselves, making us preordained to lead humanity into a Golden Age of Prosperity, and that is too much pressure. I just want to lounge around eating various cheese and meat products straight from a can like any other normal person. I’m well aware of how amazing you short folks think we are, really I do, and I’m certain you’d like nothing better than to be our sidekick, which is why I’m gonna give you a few pointers as to how to get into our good graces or, at the very least, keeping us from grinding your bones to make our bread.
Going Abroad (Or Two)
In the near future, I will be taking a trip to Canada, a mystical land filled with meese and rhetorical questions. Seeing as how I haven’t traveled abroad since Karl Malone got his shorts in a twist when he found out he’d have to share the same space as Magic Johnson, my passport has long [...]
Ho, Ho, H-ah Forget It
Another Christmas has come and gone, and, much like everyone in my life who I thought loved me, has left me, leaving me an even more bitter and cynical man than I was the year before. There are certain things I’ll just never understand about the whole Christmas phenomenon; I get the history of it, [...]
Parking is Serious Business
Dear FedEx Field Parking Attendant (or whatever nonsensical title they made up to make you feel good about yourself): On October 17th, a group of friends and I headed down to FedEx Field before the Redskins/Colts game to partake in a little tailgating, as most attending football games do. We arrived fairly early, and proceeded [...]
Insert rod “A” into slot “B”
Being able to make efficient use of my time and energy (or being lazy, whichever), I’m not fond of doing anything that involves: A) Me leaving my cave, B) Having to expend any extra energy on my part. So, when I do have to venture into the outside world, I have a set list of [...]
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