alison burke
Dudebros: A Field Guide
I have noticed that my office has lately had an upswing of dudebros. You tend to not notice just one or two – polo shirts happen, everything’s cool – but when they start to congregate it gets very obvious that you’re in the middle of a Situation (and if you say that to a group [...]
9 Tips For Powerpoint Presentation Success
1) Never wear just a negligee. Pair it with some loafers so your feet don’t get cold. 2) Ladies: put on a touch of makeup. Men: slather it on. God knows you need it. 3) Don’t bring a water bottle – it makes you look nervous. Instead, bring a glass of chilled white wine, and [...]
Osama Exposed (But Not In THAT Way)
You won’t believe this, but I, Alison Burke, lover of freedom and freedom fries, has stumbled upon a major discovery. The happy accident occurred while visiting the boudoir of the Pentagon, where hidden beneath the bald eagle skin rug, in front of a roaring (non-subsidized) fire, I found a treasure confiscated by the Navy Seals: [...]
Cube Calisthenics
We all need to keep up our shapely figures. But this can be hard with the barrage of sweet treats we’re force-fed at work parties. Combine your gorging on ice cream cake for breakfast and that sitting upright has begun to make you wheeze means you might need to reevaluate your current exercise regime. You [...]
Don’t Make Me Go In There: How To Stall In The Public Stall
The one thing I hate more than clowns is the public bathroom. I have found some weird shit in the women’s bathroom and some weird stuff as well (see what I did there?). Probably the oddest was when I discovered someone had left a lacy pair of underwear on the toilet. There it was, pissing [...]
Party Time Is Not Most Excellent
The first thing I think about when I walk into an office party is harakiri. I hate forced social time. Your coworkers, much like your family, are not pickable pals. Usually, I can manage ten minutes of a birthday/holiday/last day party until I reach my breaking point. Then I think of an excuse to leave [...]
Donner? Party of Four?
Ever get to your lunch hour and realize you forgot to bring your lunch AND your wallet? We’ve all been there. And by “there” I mean your desk, where someone stole your lunch and I stole your wallet. (Your driver’s license looks pretty good, considering your face!) So, what do you survive on? You might [...]
Accept Your Failure with Motivational Kitten Posters
You’ve been working a few years (or a few decades) at your job (aka Slavery Incorporated) and, like me, you have yet to decorate the prison cell your boss keeps telling you is your cubicle. Like Bernie Madoff, it’s time to resign to your fate, bend over and take out some knick-knacks to make your [...]
Seven Reasons I Bought That Stretch SUV Last Week
In the world of consulting, one must listen and cater to a lot of pent up feelings held by the big-wigs of his or her company. Let us just say that those you counsel have a lot of emotional baggage, and you become their bellhop. Therefore, because of the mental exhaustion caused by my job [...]
Should I Stay or Should I Froyo?
When I start to have a desire to gnaw my legs off, freeing the rest of my body from 9-5 enslavement, I know it’s lunch time! Trouble is, what to eat, and where can I go so that my boss and his daily planner can’t find me? My escape route combines cunning (staircases) and romance [...]
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