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AAW and Me, or, What Jill Soloway Will Never
Understand
By Tom Becker
____________________
I recently read a short story entitled, “Courtney Cox’s Asshole”. In
it, author Jill Soloway repeatedly misrepresents and belittles people and
professionals in the AAW (aesthetic anal whitening) community. While this story
may be “funny” to some and made the “author” a success, AAW is a serious
and legitimate subculture and does not deserve to be laughed at. Because of the
popularity of Miss Soloway’s article, I have taken it upon myself to present
our side of the story and give your readers a view of AAW—from the inside.
A few years ago, I started feeling self-conscious about the color palette of my
anus, so I started seeing a psychologist. She specializes in genital body
issues—labia size, AAW, and scrotal loft—and I genuinely felt we were making
progress.
Then one night a few months ago I was watching "Desperate Housewives"
and Nicollette Sheridan came on. The show is one of my triggers, but I
thought it was safe to watch.
I was wrong.
The thought kept racing through my mind, "She's got to have the pinkest
anus, ever! Your anus isn't pink—your anus is UGLY!" I broke
down and spent the whole night into the next morning bent over in front of a
full-length mirror, shouting at my anus.
Just as I started to lose consciousness, I caught sight of my package of Crest
Whitening Strips. Maybe it was the blood rushing to my head, but they took
on an airy glow, and a voice somewhere said "bleach". I thought,
"I'm seeing this shrink three times a week, and what has it gotten me?" I broke up with my shrink over the phone
the next morning.
I found the web site for a doctor in Chicago that specializes in a controversial
two-day waxing/whitening program. The side-effects are minimal and mostly
neurological. In some rare cases—and they are rare, mind
you—over-bleaching can occur. The anus and gluteal crevice look as white
as a fish's belly. Certain wags have dubbed it the "skunk" effect
but the preferred nomenclature is over bleaching (OB). It's troubling for
most people, but for folks in the AAW community, it’s worth the risk. In fact,
the skunk effect is revered by certain members of the Yakuza and a person with
OB can make a great living in Japan.
I figured I've wasted enough time with trying to face down my inner demons. Wanting
a cute, pink, naked asshole isn't an illness—it's a way of life. People
like Jill Soloway can poke fun, but if you're not into it, you just wouldn't
understand. I flew to Chicago (you can't really drive long distances after
the procedure) and had it done on a Thursday and Friday. I couldn't be happier.
So, that's why I know so much about AAW. It has been a long, hard road, but
I've learned so much. If you can listen to your inner voice, no matter what
the outside world says, and really trust in yourself, you will be happy. That's
just what I've been doing, and I plan to do it for the rest of my life.
First stop—Tokyo.
____________________
Tom Becker is an aspiring author. Here's how to
make his favorite cookies:
Ingredients:
3 cups flour
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking powder
1 cup sugar
1 cup butter
1 egg
2 tsp lemon juice
1 tsp vanilla
-pre-heat oven to 400 degrees
-sift flour, baking powder, and salt
-cream butter with salt
-gradually add sugar until light and fluffy
-mix in egg, lemon juice, and vanilla until blended
-add in flour, baking powder, and salt until blended
-roll out and cut into shapes
-bake for 10-12 minutes
-transfer cookies immediately to a cooling rack
-frost
-(homemade frosting = powdered sugar, butter, a touch
of vanilla, and milk. Blend to desired consistency)"
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