Seven Counts of Lying to a Federal Investigator

By Stan Lyness

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Look, I know why you're here and you can just turn off the damned recorder and don't even worry about taking note of possible lies because I'm not dumb enough to lie to a federal investigator. Why are you writing that down? Stop it! I'm sickened by how you guys have made lying a crime in and of itself whether or not it serves a lower cause. I mean, remember Clinton? Federal investigators, a special crew, but investigators nonetheless, spent - how much? 70 million? - and the man was nearly hounded from elected office because - get this - when confronted over the Bad Thing by investigators, Hillary, or his conscience, his first reaction was to lie. Duh! I mean, I'm about as honest as they come – quit writing! – I'm as honest as the next guy – whew! – but if some stranger brings up the subject of sexual wandering, and let’s say I had been, which of course I never could – stop that! – but supposing I could and did, then when some stranger says, "Hey Stan, been cheatin’?" of course I'm going to say "No!” even before “Why, what have you got?"

So you guys made lying about something that isn't a federal crime a federal crime. And it didn't used to be, and it shouldn't be. And you're doing it more and more, and, let's face it, if your job is to catch people lying that's pretty much full employment forever isn't it? Look at the job you guys did on Martha Stewart! Her stock sale smelled to high heaven like trading on an inside tip, so all you guys had to say was, "Say Martha, why'd you sell ImClone?" and the minute she said "Well, as you may know I'd converted some of my own Omnimedia options to shares" – stop your jotting, I'm imagining what she might have said, not lying – "and these Omnimedia certificates were printed in a soft terracotta-on-sand and that carried the whole inside of the strongbox into sort of a muted Southwest theme, and - dear, try half-blending two tones of jackboot polish for that just-in-from-the-garden look – and I was saying that the ImClone certificates were simply fighting everything in there, so I exchanged them for US currency, green to be sure, but a muted forest green that fully supported the look" – the minute she said "so I exchanged them", you guys figure it's worth nearly 40 million of our hard-earned money – our earned money, then, you scribbling moron – 40 million bucks proving the obvious, but not an obvious crime – and getting all your career tickets punched. How hard was that, waiting for Martha to lie when you’re pretending to go after her on an insider trading case you knew was stillborn?

Kind of like how Whitewater was about a real estate deal. And now it’s not just the feds – half the Massachusetts AG's office and Spitzer's battalions from New York state are hell-bent on outdoing you jackasses – you’re right; a lie, I confess; you're actually a human; “jackass" is just a figure of speech – hell-bent on helping people screw up their reputations, people with no need of your help. And while the dark glasses and slick hair work for you – sarcasm does not count! – we can't afford to have an entire generation becoming you now can we? So the next time your wife says "So does the brown houndstooth print make my ass look big?" I sincerely hope you'll do the right thing. And get sent up for it.

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When Stan is not rushing to the defense of such unfortunates as Bill and Martha, he writes poems www.stanlyness.com/poetry/ and songs www.stanlyness.com/songs/ that are funny, some intentionally, as well as computer programs that are simply carrot-spitting hilarious.