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Buccaneer's Bay Miniature Golf Course Scorecard
By Rob McClure Smith
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Rules and Regulations
The Bo'sun in the Mizzenmast crow's nest up yonder can see the whole course with that spyglass. So belay conduct unbecoming.
Tee Off: All hands strike their first shots off the bowsprit then proceed together in orderly fashion to their second.
Stroke limit: 6 shots per hole for each player. (1)
Out of Bounds: Putt between the kilderkins and hogsheads at all times. Place ball back in play one club head from where it went out.
(2)
Obstacles: If barrels, hawse or other obstacles prevent putting, hands may move ball one club head away.
(3)
Maximum Group Size: Foursome.
Safety: For the protection of yourselves and others, please stay aft of the walkway. No careening. No grog on the course. We are fore-rigged, so watch yourself with gaffs.
NO full swings with putters. (4)
NO swimming in Shark Lake.
Course Highlights
From jibs to spankers, we commemorate famous pirates or privateers: Morgan, Laffite, Drake, Dampier, Racham, Tew, even Bart Roberts, the crimson popinjay himself. Note the ethnic diversity of our Brethren: the Barbary corsairs Murat Rais and Kari Ali Rais, as well as legendary Cheng I Sao (a.k.a Ching Yih Saou, Ching Shih, and Lady Ch’ing) are represented hereabouts.
Hole 7: Queen Anne's Revenge
You'll more likely roll snake eyes than cannons at this difficult dogleg par 3 named after the legendary Teach’s ship. Fun Fact: In his final battle, a blow taking off his head, our hero said not a thing, but his body dove into the water and swam around the ship twice. That's an animatronic torso in the pond by the tee. Did you know that Blackbeard wove lighted hemp in his hair before battle? Kids, how’d you like a fellow with pigtails and smoking fuse chords in his beard charging at you waving a cutlass? (See Hole 16). Note: That's the man’s head on a pole behind the Green. The mesh cage keeps the gulls off.
Hole 15: Ladies Hole
A Par 2 specially for the ladies, featuring full-size nude waxwork models of Anne Bonny, Rachel Wall, Granuaile et al. Fun fact: When Mary Read, disguised as a man, challenged another pirate to a duel, she ripped her shirt open during the engagement, exposing her teats to him and, while he gaped at her bosom like a spooked anglerfish, decapitated him. In celebration of this event, before teeing off here the ladies traditionally doff their clothing. Ma’am, this will like as not lead to all kinds of foozles by your male partner.
Hole 10: Just Kidd(ing):
The most treacherous hole on the abaft 9. Deep as the Marianas Trench it is, and likely as not to stymie the finest of putters. Fun fact: The difficulty of this bamboozling Par 8 is a memorial of Kidd's death: As the Cap’n danced the hempen jig, the hangman’s rope twice snapped and the old rogue had to be strung up three times. His body, and those of his crew, was then tar-dipped and draped in chains from a gibbet for three tides. (See the life size replicas hanging on the yardarm by the batting cages). For your own wellbeing, please do not cross this green while the cannons are firing.
(5) That’s actual shot there and the burning smell is cordite.
Disembarking
Finish out at Hole 18 under Christopher Moody's colors—the old winged hourglass—for your time too is fast running out. Turn in equipment at the Orlop 'neath the second jolie rouge on the left by the go-kart concession. You may retrieve previously stored items (all coats, bags, wallets, purses) from the Quartermaster. Leave immediately.
Thank you for placing trash in firkins.
Register for our drawing. Enter your name, address, phone number, credit card information and social security # below and drop this half of the scorecard in the treasure chest.
(6) You may be hearing from us soon.
Comments:
Did you find our course clean and free of litter and viscera?
Did you find our restrooms clean and well swabbed? (7)
Did you find the Brethren of the Coast (circle one)
Friendly. Courteous. Homicidal. Informative. Buggering. Other.
Your comments please:
Fair Winds and Godspeed,
The Management
(1)
If any Jack Tar miscount purposefully, he shall be maroon'd on the island by the fourteenth tee with one Bottle of Powder, one Bottle of Water and one small Arm.
(2) An addlepate sclaffing the ball into Davy Jones’ Locker so that it be lost is subject to Moses Law (40 stripes lacking one with the cat o' nine tails) on the bare Back.
Use your damned deadlights and strike cleanly. The orange balls are especially pricey.
(3) The hornswoggler moving any further than the diameter of a Piece of Eight, will be strapped with birch and made to kiss the gunner's daughter.
(4) Wild swinging shanking scallywags punished by keelhauling. No exceptions.
(5) By completing the scorecard, players agree to release, discharge and hold harmless the owners and their affiliates, subsidiaries, agents and employees from any claims, losses and damages arising from injuries and losses sustained during their round. Owner is not responsible for any incorrect or inaccurate information contained therein.
(6) Re: Prizes: The Captain shall have one full share and a half in all Prizes; the Master, Carpenter, Boatswain and Gunner shall have one Share and quarter. Employees and relatives of crew are ineligible. Competition is void in Barbados and the Marianas and everywhere permissible by law. All restrictions apply.
(7) Note that the poop deck refers to the exposed partial deck on the stern. No defecating in this area permissible, punishment lashing.
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Rob McClure Smith is the pseudonym of Rob Smith McClure. He is a pirate. No, really.
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