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Sick Note
By Ryan Nemeth
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Mrs. Walsh,
Please excuse my son Leonard from gym class today. He is suffering
from a severe case of gingivitis. I am concerned that if aggravated by
strenuous physical activity, his condition may escalate into something more
serious, perhaps turning him into a mindless, flesh-eating corpse. You,
of course, would refer to this sort of creature as a zombie, and I expect
that you would try to kill him to avoid being gruesomely devoured alive. Or,
maybe, you’d try killing him to avoid turning into a zombie yourself (as
we all know, that’s what happens when one is bit by a zombie but
survives). As much as I understand that you, as a logical human woman,
have very strong survival instincts and believe in self-defense, I can
assure you that if you try killing Zombie Leonard, Principal Walters will
hear from me. Leonard is still my son no matter how awful his oral
hygiene may become.
Thank you,
Margaret Willstock
P.S. I thought your seminar on cholesterol and healthy springtime cooking was
informative and entertaining. It was a perfect end to a busy weekend. My
favorite part was the recipe you gave us for Zucchini Sunrise Chicken (Mr.
Willstock cleaned his plate!)
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Ryan "The Bully" Nemeth gets into a
lot of fights. He's currently studying at the Improv Olympic in Chicago and
living at Beezo's house. One time when he was counting, he made it all
the way to the highest number there is. Ladies: he's single and he's
probably not a murderer! Contact Ryan at Nemethrp@xavier.edu
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