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An Overdue Proposal
By Paul B. Hertneky
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Permit me to call for an end to how we handle blowjobs, linguistically,
that is. Both halves of this compound word are misleading.
"Blow," as we all know is inaccurate; what teenager has not found
it confusing? And "job" carries too narrow a connotation. Its
vulgarity offends, and for many, it is not a job. For others, it is a
job, and can be a well-paying or a thankless one. But it is not always a
job and many adults find a great deal of pleasure in it. Granted, such a
job could be viewed as the kind of job done on another, like a loanshark
does on deadbeat. But a job's a job, and most people hate their jobs. So
why call it that? Just one of the odd characteristics of these jobs is
that, most people for whom the jobs have been done have never done the jobs
themselves. So, it is only out of ignorance and unfairness that we refer to
them as such.
But the real inconsistency with these jobs is that they are considered by
men as a complete sexual encounter, whereas equivalent activity, performed
primarily for women, bears a Latin name that sounds more like an Irish
railroad and is seldom discussed as the single act in a sexual interlude.
Although jobs are often one-act plays for men, opening the curtain on a
woman's stage only introduces a drama destined for several set changes. In addition
to a revision that serves accuracy and fairness, a semantic change could
spawn a boom in this form of eros. Perhaps more jobs are going on in the mainstream
of society than I know. But even if only a few enjoy doing their jobs, I
would argue that they were cut out for the work, born to the job, or
learned the job and came to love it.
Still, for those averse to additional work,
referring to these pleasures as jobs retards, if you will, job creation and
a growth in jobs. If we all want more, it's time we found a new word,
a word that includes an act done by women and men for women and men, a
unisex word. Although I have dreaded this final stage of my proposal, calling
for the abolition of a word carries the responsibility to suggest replacements.
As much as I would like to throw the selection process open to all comers,
I fear that I may not have many chances to spark this discussion and I don’t
wish to leave the matter hanging. Of the alternatives I have been offered to
date, I will put a few terms before you, all of which will be an improvement.
For its folksy Midwestern charm and onomatopoeic qualities,
"humdinger" ranks high. If I had to decide now, and surely I do,
I will begin tossing it around, along with a bit of military jargon
for a tactic performed by both men and women: "carpet-bombing,"
which makes me want to laugh, a quality I think the new word should
possess. I am equally tickled by orfing, honeytuning, pearl diving, eating
the low-cal lunch, eating the fruit cup, giving a perm, talking on the groan-a-phone,
diving at the Y, lip-slinking, going round the world, cleaning up the
kitchen, gobbling, talking to the canoe driver, and giving a g.o.g. (an acronym
for "gesture of generosity"). Think about them and use them freely.
____________________
Renowned psychics and channelers, including
Shirley MacLaine, have certified that Paul B. Hertneky is the reincarnation of
Michel de Montaigne. He demurs, citing no facility for French and a love of
women, but nevertheless wears powdered wigs and argues constantly with himself. His
modern essays are available upon request at
phertneky@aol.com.
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