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A Less Than Remarkable Life
By Malerie Yolen-Cohen
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David Sedaris, once said that he felt sorry for
people who thought that unless they came from poverty or horrid conditions,
they had nothing to write about—that “they thought that their whole
life was worthless because it was less than remarkable.”
That’s easy for a gay ex-junkie to say.
Reasons I will never write a best-selling memoir:
1. I am not being abused—nor have I ever been abused in any way by a parent,
child, grandparent, teacher, clergyman, sibling, husband, boyfriend or
Michael Jackson.
2. I am not gay, bi, asexual or a horny housewife seeking quickies through
craigslist.
3. I am not, nor have I ever been in jail for murder, rape, extortion,
pillaging multimillion dollar companies, or pissing people off by being
able to build a house with stuff found at the dump while selling stock on
inside information and lying about it.
4. I do not wear a veil or burka, nor have I ever lived in a cave,
near camels, under an authoritarian regime, or forced into an arranged
marriage to a terrorist.
5. I’ve never circumnavigated the earth in a six foot row boat,
climbed Mt. Everest in five hours, followed in the footsteps of the first
Antarctic explorers, kayaked over Niagra Falls, or left a limb to atrophy
under a boulder.
6. I have never suffered from an incurable or baffling illness, the
Avian Flu or Monkeypox. I’ve never recovered miraculously from a
terminal disease. I’ve never required the use of a feeding tube.
7. I don’t paint with my feet, use my head to type astute
observations, or otherwise get around famously in a souped-up wheelchair.
8. I am not a Trump, Douglas, Kennedy, Bush, Heinz, or Rockefeller,
nor am I related in any way, not even by six degrees of separation, to
one. I’m not married to a Hollywood mogul. I am not a pregnant
superstar.
9. I’ve never actually seen G-d, experienced stigmata or visions. I’ve
never witnessed an image of Jesus or Mary in anything natural or manmade,
fried or toasted.
10. I don’t take Ritalin, Prozac, OxyContin or steroids. I’ve
never been diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder or Adult ADD. I don’t have a
kid in rehab. I don’t have a husband on drugs, unless you count the four
thousand vitamin supplements he takes per day as drugs. Then, I guess
I do.
11. I’ve never been a President of the United States or slept with
one.
12. I’ve never been through an earthquake, hurricane, Tsunami,
pogrom, Holocaust, terrorist attack or trapped in an elevator without food
and water for a week.
13. I’ve never been a best-selling homosexual novelist living with
a boyfriend in Paris.
Writing fiction might be the way to go. But for the life of me, I
just can’t make things up.
____________________
Malerie Yolen-Cohen says the following in
limerick form:
Glossy magazines keep this writer writing
Though she spends most of her time inviting
Challenges and joy
With two teenage boys
Who keep this Mom's life exciting.
I'm working on a book called A
Thousand Little Pieces. I'm keeping the true stuff and throwing out the
999,000 lies.
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