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From the Pages Of the Bethlehem Gazette
By Michael Hulme
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Dear J,
Let's just get this straight, shall we? You've been out there, sanding and
planing and lathing and working your gnarled and achy hands until the calluses
are falling off, and while you've been trying to make a living for the two of
you, she's been doing a little work of her own, hey. Ever wonder where those new
clothes came from, J? But no - wait for it - now she's telling you there's some
mistake. Sure, she was visited in a dream by some kind of winged creature. Well,
J, believe that if you like, believe that's the reason her belly's now as round
as an egg, that's the reason no matter how hard you try, you can't get so much
as a sniff of some of that good old-fashioned loving. Or you could get wise and
ditch the cheating skank. Leave her to the Romans, J, and get on with your life.
Find a nice market girl or one of those war widows, and settle down with someone
you can trust not to fool around on you and leave you bringing up another man's
child. In the meantime, stone her. Trust me on this; I'm never wrong.
Dear J Jr.,
I get a lot of letters like this from young men your age, and let me first say
that I understand your frustration. it is difficult when one feels so limited
with their place in life, though I think that your paragraph about the world
being such a "small, heartless place filled with cruelty and evil
deeds" tends towards the kind of melodrama one is best to avoid as it can
lead people to do silly things. I'll put this down to your age and raging
hormones for now. You say you feel that nobody, including your parents,
understands you, and dear, I do sympathize. I understand you do not wish to
follow your father's life as a carpenter; do though try to honour him, as it
cannot have been easy for him to address the difficult issue of parenthood with
you. Yes, I feel traveling around for a while would indeed be just the tonic for
your spirits - I am not familiar with "the word" you intend to spread,
but if you feel it will help you find the inner peace you seek, I say - go for
it! (I myself spent a number of weeks around the shores of Galilee, and while I
found the place rather tiresome on the whole, there were one or two restaurants
which do excellent fresh lobster at very reasonable cost. Give my regards to
Mario.)
In answer to your second point - touching or picking at spots should not be
encouraged as they will spread to other parts of your body. That you claim to be
clearing up the spots of your friends simply by touching them strikes me as
rather unlikely.
Dear Concerned of Galilee,
Listen, I'll put this to you without any spin and you see how it sounds. Your
son's off with a group of older men, all following this guy they say can perform
amazing acts, and when he comes home, which is seldom, he talks about peace and
love, and chastises you for staring at your neighbour's swine? Does that sound
kind of creepy to you? Damn right, I'd be worried! Seriously, now - to throw
your questions back at you - have you ever see anyone walk across water? Out of
research, and a willingness to believe you, I tried it just now before sitting
down to write this; I had to get Ezekiel from across the square to come and haul
me out. And as for the water/wine - well, who doesn't wish they could do that?
Come on, Concerned of Galilee, just think about it. Your boy's been duped!
Tricked! Played for a patsy! What they're doing to him as part of their
"beliefs," I shudder to think. As for what you can do - how about
getting your old man to get a band of vigilantes together and head off into the
hills to forcibly retrieve your own flesh and blood? Far be it from me to incite
violence, but often the thud of clubs on skulls is the only language this type
of twisted fanatic understands.
Dear J,
I was sorry to hear that your friend is going through such a difficult time
right now, and I'm sure he appreciates your support through these dark days. It
is difficult to choose between such a substantial amount of money on the one
hand, and a friend on the other. But, as you say, your friend had fallen out
with this friend, and so the assertion he feels he has "sold him down the
river" is probably a little harsh. After all, if there was no friendship
left to lose, what harm could it really have done? We can all think of friends
we don't really like - perhaps they're more popular than us, or have some
quality we envy - and often, the best way to deal with this situation is to
remove yourself from that social circle. It sounds like your friend has
succeeded admirably at this. So, rather than blame himself, I would suggest your
friend takes his silver pieces and uses them to start a new life, perhaps
opening a hotel or a small farm. He has enough money to support himself in
whatever enterprise he wishes to take on. I hope very much your friend learn to
forgive himself in order to fully enjoy the fruits of his labours.
Dear P,
I was going to suggest you contact your friend and tell him that you are sorry,
but reading between the lines of your letter (I take it the "far better
place" you say he's gone to isn't that charming resort on the Red Sea), I
suspect any apology you make will fall on deaf ears. On this occasion, as I'm
fond of saying, forgiveness must come from within. Although you behaved badly
towards your friend at a time when he could have done with your support, it's
not such a big deal when you think about it. On my way to a dinner party just
last week, I saw the lady who used to clean my house. She's fallen on rather
hard times since her son was trampled by donkeys, and now she wears a lot of
black and sits in doorways with her palms outstretched. Now, I would have
stopped to offer her some money, or a few words of consolation, but it just
wasn't the time. Understand I wasn't concerned about being seen talking to an
old yellow beggar woman by my peers, oh no. I was simply late for dinner, and
the next time I walk that way, I'll have a few kind words for her. The bottom
line, P, is this: if you don't like yourself, nobody else will. Accept you made
a mistake, promise yourself you won't do it again, and smile into tomorrow.
Dear M,
No, I don't think that is possible. It sounds to me like a combination of grave
robbery and pure denial. I suggest you try to accept your friend is no more, and
deal with your grief accordingly. Have you thought about writing a tribute to
him, perhaps? I did this when my husband died, and it proved wonderfully
therapeutic. Why not arrange a gathering of your friends where you can tell
stories about his life and write them all down for posterity so you can remember
his life. This will give you the closure you need, and empower you to move on.
There's no point dwelling on it. Trust me. I'm never wrong.
____________________
Michael Hulme was the world’s first solid
gold baby.
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