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Val Kilmer's Revenge

By Michael Hulme

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Buzzy on beer and wine and beer, I was trying to blast my yellowy jet through the electric blue pisscake. Some guy unzipped at the other urinal; I sneaked a look to make sure he wasn't queering me. Turns out I was pissing next to Val Kilmer! He smelled funny; I don't know, maybe that was the piss. Anyhow, he had on this blue suit and one of those big thick 'I'm somebody' kind of ties. I stared at him and he looked right ahead at the white tiles, but he knew I was watching him.

"Hey! You're Val Kilmer, right?" I said.  He half-nodded. I swear I could have sanded wood on his face. Celebrities bitch about how they want to be treated like "normal people", but if I arrived at the store all unshaven like that, Uncle Tommy would grab my swingers and squeeze real hard. I don't know. Maybe he was making a western or something.

"C'mon," I said, "don't be embarrassed about it. You're pretty good sometimes."

He smiled, kind of. "Thanks."

"You really are Val Kilmer, right?"

"That's right," he said.

"Wow!" I kept on staring. "Man, you were great in that movie."

"Yeah?" he said to the tiles.

"Yeah," I said. "You know, you banged chicks and did drugs and partied. You were that rock and roll guy."

"Jim Morrison," he said.

"Yeah," I said. "That was one sweet film."

"Glad you liked it," he said.

"Didn't like Hot Shots though," I said. "Waste of three bucks."

He didn't even blink.

"That film was dumb. It sucked. What were you thinking?"

"Sorry you didn't like it," he said.

"Yeah well," I said. "Forget it. Listen. I've got this great film idea."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." I twisted round to watch him wash his hands. "This guy, OK, finds his girlfriend's screwing his best friend, so he starts screwing his best friend's girlfriend. So this one time he's screwing her in his Uncle's store, in the warehouse or something, and this girl, man, she's hot like you wouldn't believe, skirt up, thong down, hammertime -- this guy's an animal, OK? You could play him, maybe, but he needs to be younger. No offense. Anyway, he's banging her ass off, and then these zombies come out of nowhere
and he kills them all with a load of different guns and a baseball bat."

"Nice idea." He looked at me funny and smiled. "Send it to a studio."

"I will," I said.

He looked me up and down. "Good luck," he said, and he left.

I got back to the table. "Jimmy," I said, "get this. Val Kilmer just took a piss next to me!" I wiped my hand dry on the tablecloth.

Jimmy looked up from his spaghetti-twirling. "Yeah?  He try and queer you?"

"Nah," I said. "But he's one arrogant prick."

"Figures," said Jimmy.

I sat down. I discovered my goddamn trousers were soaked.

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