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Value Meal
By Matt Camplomi
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--It's becoming very obvious, at least to me, and I'm the one concerned here,
that I'm very easily influenced by advertising.
--I've noticed.
--So you've noticed.
--I have noticed.
--It's that obvious, then.
--It is something that I've noticed.
--Christ. I didn't know it was that noticeable. I was
going to--
--It's not that noticeable.
--Oh.
--I mean . . .
--Well, I was going to explain how . . .
--I think I . . .
--But I could still . . .
Ellipses
--You should . . .
--Me too . . .
"Let me first say that my earliest childhood memories aren't about baths or
siblings or toys or even birthday candles, dogs or cats or swimming pools, not
grandma, not grandpa, not a meal or Christmas or Easter bowties or that stupid
bunny Halloween outfit.
"I think the first thing I really remember was a billboard."
It was for Rick E. Raisins. And I loved raisins. I loved
them dearly, but not because I enjoyed them; it was only the advertising
campaign that won my heart.
"I remember it so well."
I do.
"Sometimes I still think about it."
And I go out to Rick E. Raisins.
"It's certainly not because I love raisins."
I don't even particularly like Rick E. Raisins. There are certainly other
places I'd rather be.
"I particularly love the Onion Flamers at T.G.I McHooters. I try
to get out there at least three times a week."
Christ, Maggie really hates me for that, too.
I think she understands.
"Really, I understand," she says.
That's good enough.
"Probably."
How about some Pizza Poppers?
"You thinking what I'm thinking"
AHAB'S BODACIOUS WHALER!
--You saw the commercial for Ahab's the other day, didn't you?
Well, she migtht've. But she probably didn't commit it to memory like
I had.
And that's what she told me.
--You know they've got Cheesie Fingers now, right? Right?
Well, she said she'd seen the ad, but she didn't really like Ahab's.
--But that's where we went last year for your birthday. Remember?
Maggie did remember, of course. Maggie had a great memory. She was a
very smart person and, really . . .
--Sometimes I think you're very lucky.
--Why's that, Mag?
--Because you really are a walking turd. You know that, right?
Starbucks has recently started a new ad campaign, which really surprised me. I
didn't really think Starbucks needed to advertise. I guess more fool
me, right?
Anywho, it turns out that they have a new Caramel LoCarb Mochacinno.
I had no idea!
It's really a good thing they told me.
They went on to tell me about all their new LoCarb menu options.
I consider that a great service. I take it very personally. It
makes me feel special; it makes me feel wanted.
--Have you seen the new ads for Flecky's?
--I thought you hated Flecky's.
I do hate Flecky's.
--Yeah but their Value Specials can't be beat. They've really got
some great Value Options.
--But you hate Flecky's. I've tried to get you to go there before and
you've said you hate Flecky's.
--But they've got new Value Specials!
I think sometimes that I should tell Maggie about the incredible things I've
seen on TV. There's so many great options out there.
I think sometimes that Maggie doesn't realize how important it is that these
wonderful people tell me how great their products are.
I mean, shit, why would they go to the bother if they didn't truly believe that
their Onion Bloomers were the best Onion Bloomers $5.95 could buy?
It's not like they would lie to me.
And then there's Fun Priced Tuesday's where you can buy any Fun Priced Appetizer
and get a second one for half off.
That is one heck of a deal.
Maggie's got to understand that that is one of a heck of deal, right?
--Don't you ever wonder about how my day went? Maggie asks me. Don't
you ever want to ask me what I've done all day instead of . . . instead of . . .
Maggie starts to cry.
--Sweetheart . . .
--I just . . .
I feel sometimes that Maggie doesn't understand the importance . . .
--Maggie, you know that I love you.
Maggie knows that I love her. I love her so much.
--Why don't you tell me about the new LoCarb Menu at Queequeg's, Jay.
I smile and can't resist touching her shoulder and wiping the tear of her cheek.
--I'd love to tell you, sweetheart.
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Matt Campolmi used to be from Athens, GA, where
he was voted king of the beers—for one night… by magical beer gremlins. Today,
he lives in New Jersey and wonders what that smell is.
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