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Finding
Mr. Right in a World of Mr. Wrongs
By Lauren Bonney
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1) You have been swapping glances with the hot guy at the bar when you finally
decide to approach him. He:
a) Stares at you and starts drooling on your shoes.
b) Doesn’t realize you're standing in front of him because he’s still
staring at what you thought was you.
c) Asks you if your cute friend is single.
2) You exchange numbers with your new guy and plan a date for next weekend. When
he arrives at your house he pulls up in:
a) His mom’s wagon—with mom in it.
b) His Firebird—wings included—with a rattling exhaust pipe.
c) A Porsche, but asks you to drive because he doesn’t want to get his
“girl” dirty.
3) The two of you are now at dinner and your man:
a) Asks for crayon and paper.
b) Wants an Old Milwaukee and spare lighter.
c) Slaps the waitress on the ass and says, “I’ll take a piece of that!”
4) The food arrives and your man:
a) Squirts ketchup all over his din-din in the shape of a smiley face.
b) Pulls out his Ziploc bag and starts savin’ some grub for later.
c) Gives you his salad, eats your dinner and explains that a salad is plenty
food for that ass.
5) When it’s time to pay he:
a)
Pulls out his coupons and roll of quarters.
b) Starts burping and sniffing his pits.
c) Grabs his coat, winks and says he’ll be right back.
6) It’s getting late and your desperation sets in, so you end up back at his
place. He tells you he’ll be right back. He returns wearing:
a) Curious George PJs.
b) Ripped AC/DC shirt and faded jean cut-offs.
c) Nothing—accompanied by two other girls.
7) Regardless of whatever the hell is occurring in this bedroom, you decide
“what the hell…” You begin to seduce him and he:
a) Cries and confesses he’s never kissed a girl before, let alone touched her
boobies.
b) Gets down to his leopard skin G-string and starts twirling around on his
vibrating bed.
c) Says “cash only”.
8) Finally you pass out and when you awake you find your man:
a) Playing Atari and slurping OJ from a sippy cup.
b) Drinking a beer and watchin’ the Dukes
of Hazard.
c) On the couch with your roommate.
9) It’s time to leave. On your way out your man:
a) Clings to your leg and whines.
b) Rock 'n’ Roll, Dude!
c) Yells, “Don’t let the door hit your fat ass on the way out!”
10)
In the cab on your way home, you think to yourself:
a) I love little boys.
b) In just a few weeks we’ll be movin’ into the trailer park together.
c) This fat ass still got it goin’ on!
Mostly A’s:
Face it Jacko, you’re always thinking “Thank goodness for little boys.” If
you’re into a man who spends most of his day collecting worms, and watching
Batman, you’d better be prepared for trips to Toys R’ Us, lots of whining
and the occasional temper tantrum. You’re most likely to meet your guy at a
park, zoo, or day care. Go get ‘em you lil’ perv.
Mostly B’s:
Do-si-do partner! Well whoopdee freakin doo—boys with ponytails do it for you!
Stop cluckin’ round in that ol’ hen house and get your kiester down to the
local diner, truck stop or rodeo for the real action! Reel ‘em in tiger---reeeeel
‘em in!
Mostly C’s
Ah—the tender feeling and warmth received form a rough slap to the ass rings
more than a smile to a woman’s face. It also reminds us women of what our
place in society is: “Shut up, sit down and lick me bitch!”
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Lauren
is a certified bullshit artist brought up and raised in the underground ghetto
of white suburbia. While dealing with idiots all day long and listening to how
insignificant their problems are, she entertains herself by basking in other’s
miseries and enjoys listening to the soothing and educational messages of Eminem.
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