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The Tale of Piecemeal, the Prince who Got
Wood
by Jonathan Harper
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Once upon a time, there lived the mentally
challenged Prince Piecemeal. Piecemeal liked to take long walks in the forest by
himself, each day wandering farther and farther than anyone had gone, before he
would come home. Finally, the inevitable happened, and the mentally challenged
prince became dreadfully lost. Every direction he looked, the woods were thick
and the paths were almost hidden under the falling leaves and thickets.
Finally, the prince came to a small clearing in which a single tree stood
majestically in the center. As the prince stared into the tree's beautiful pine
needle coat, luscious bark and seductive pine cones - the prince's heart flew
like it never had before ... and he realized he was in love.
"I must have this tree," the prince thought, "for never have I
seen one so lovely!"
So, with all the modesty he could muster, the prince approached the tree, who
was graceful in her stationary position, looked up at her and said,
"Hey! Nice shoes... Wanna fuck?"
Obviously unimpressed by the prince's vulgarities, the tree just ignored him.
The mentally challenged Prince Piecemeal realized then that such proper maidens,
such as pinewoods, needed to be wooed appropriately. So, he gathered up his
courage and blurted out, "Oh - please forgive me for my rude behavior - I
was simply overcome with lust from seeing your radiant beauty. I am mentally
challenged Prince Piecemeal, of Abr’Ickshort, of the kingdom of Afullode, and
I have come to seek your branch in marriage."
The tree was obviously still offended and did not reply.
So, the prince continued... "You must know - I have never this way before.
I would staple waffles to my forehead, pluck my eyebrows and pass up bingo night
just for you!"
The tree still ignored him.
"Well, now that you know of my love for you - you must tell me if you love
me as well. If you will return my love, say nothing! - for words can never fully
describe those feelings. But if you are to reject me, speak now and leave me to
my sorrow..."
The tree, of course, said nothing.
Overcome with joy, the Prince did the ancient ceremonial dance as a sign of
their future union. When he had finished the "electric slide", he
reapproached his love with a new purpose. "We must be married at once my
dear, sweet, sapling! For I am afraid that if we wait, some other mentally
challenged prince will come and steal you away from me! But first, I must know
your name!"
The tree didn't say a word.
"Why are you so shy with me, my love?” the prince gasped. “Perhaps you
do not have a name!?! Well, fine then, from now on you shall be known as Erma!
Yes, Erma - my little talking tree..." And with that, Prince Piecemeal ran
off to plan the wedding.
And he and Erma the talking tree lived happily ever after, until Erma died
tragically in childbirth.
Don’t ask about the kids.
____________________
Jonathan
Harper fought Dracula! It was amazing! You should have been there! He was all
holding up a cross and all, "Stop there, fiend!" and he was all
running after Dracula and shit. It was great.
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