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A History of Our Lord Rene Descartes dated 1999 AD [1] by Iain Maloney ____________________ The
purpose of this essay is not an in depth discussion into the myths and legends
surrounding Rene Descartes but rather an introduction for the uninitiated
student of Cartesianity. All that
will be discussed here are known facts, proven time and again by philosophers,
with no embellishments or bias for any point of view. Descartes
was born after immaculate conception at the time of year we now refer to as
Cartesmas Time around 2000 years ago in 0 BC[2].
His mother, the Virgin Candy as the Roman Cartholics refer to her, was on her
way to Tours for the annual Solipsist’s Convention when the angel Gary came to
her in a dream and informed her that she was heavily pregnant with the Son of
God. Candy was delighted with this
news as it meant that she could satisfy her biological ticking without dealing
in all that ‘messy business’ and that her son would never fear unemployment.
Hoping that she could still reach the convention she decided to continue
driving for Tours but her labour pains began as she was passing through the
village of La Haye. Pulling into the car park of the local Hilton she soon
discovered that not only were there no parking spaces but there were no rooms
available either. Left with no
other alternative, the Lady Candy reluctantly gave birth to the Baby Rene in the
back of a Ford Cortina. (I will not
enter just now into a discussion upon her refusal to enter a hospital as I
intend that topic for another paper but let it suffice to say that her revulsion
with the health service of the time was more stubborn than that of any of the so
called health fanatics today). After
a difficult childhood being raised by a single parent in those repressed times
and suffering the stigma of illegitimacy, young Rene eventually realised the
calling of his birth and entered into the Holy Order of Philosophers at La
Fleche where he remained until it was felt that his education was complete.
At the Order he became involved with a group of revolutionaries who
called themselves the “Rationalists”. These
were twelve (Rene made up the thirteenth) students including a young David Hume
who was later to turn Rene over to the “Empiricists”, the sworn enemies of
the Rationalists. Their philosophy
was that the world is an optical illusion which could only be made sense of by
the use of reason. Feeling the pull
of spirituality that all in this Holy Order recognise as their own, Rene applied
this philosophy and meditated upon the world.
Thus, like an alchemist, he concocted his most famous theories: the
abolition of famine by the division of two or three loaves and fishes amongst
the third world countries; his treatise on the possibilities of walking on water
and, perhaps most importantly, his realisation of the existence of the great
malignant demon Santa. This demon,
he theorised, came once a year among the mortals, entered their abodes through
the chimneys and gave the occupants found therein false knowledge of the world. He
now entered the most important stage of his life.
Upon realising that all knowledge was suspect to doubts he set off for
the deserts of France and Belgium (at that time situated near the equator) where
he would not be disturbed by others nor found by Santa.
His aim was that, by eschewing reason, he should completely forget
everything he knew and so begin his system of knowledge over again.
Unfortunately, as any psychology student tell you, if a man spends
prolonged time without the company of others, he will undergo a period of
self-discovery. Rene realised that he had a split personality and that there
were two distinct people living within his body.
Finding that he could never be truly alone he began dialogues with the
other and, instead of forgetting everything, he began to unearth hitherto
unknown facts which, he argued, could not be doubted since his dwelling had no
chimney for Santa to enter through. Thus
came such foundations of our intellectual lives as the theory that all our
thoughts relate in some way to our mothers and that man could not survive
without the invention and integration of a system of politics.
However the field to most benefit from Descartes’ meditations was the
field of mathematics. Just before
his tragic death whilst protesting against the liberties being taken by
carpenters and joiners, he stood up at a maths convention during a heated debate
into which symbol should be used to signify “does not equal” and screamed
“Cognito Error Sum”. Now the
language in which this is stated is unknown and is thought by many to be of
Rene’s own invention but we are assured that it can be interpreted as “I
think like a machine therefore I can make no mistakes in mathematics”. This idea instantly became popular with maths students who
frequently quoted it in examinations until the departments were forced to allow
it onto the syllabus. From this
point on human understanding of mathematics progressed in leaps and bounds. After
this Descartes disappeared from public attention for a few years but eventually
resurfaced, styling himself as an ageing hippy, and began protesting against
many of the worlds inadequacies. This
led to his death when, after chaining himself to a wooden cross in a bid to show
the world that every man could be a carpenter and didn’t have to pay their
ridiculously high call out fees, he couldn’t unlock the chains. He refused the
help of a locksmith claiming that they were involved in a conspiracy with the
carpenters. He died after the cross
became rotten due to forty days and nights of rain; he had neglected to apply
varnish and it snapped leaving him face down in three inches of water.
Since his feet were chained and he could not walk upon the liquid he had
no choice but to breathe deeply the aqua
vitae and promptly drowned.
____________________ Iain Maloney is a writer who spends his time trying to convince publishing companies of this fact. When not explaining to people why he hasn’t won the Booker prize yet he sits in a darkened room rocking back and forth listening to Radiohead and planning his speech for when the people of the world finally ask him to take over and run things with an iron fist. His list of those to be first against the wall will be published in seventy-two pop-up volumes in time for Christmas. |
(c) Defenestration Magazine, 2004