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To
Complete The Candidate’s Dossier
By
Davis Schneiderman
____________________
January
1 2004
To whom it may concern;
I write in enthusiastic support of Jesus Christ for your advertised position of
Assistant Professor of Literature with possible emphases in postcolonial
literature/fiction writing/ interdisciplinary studies/immaculate
conception/women and gender studies. I have had the pleasure of
knowing Jesus since my early childhood, mostly from the ubiquitous imagery
promulgated by the Church as well as from various unrepeatable curses proffered
by my friend Jimmy Scanlon's father as he tried to build a tree--house for the
neighborhood children, which ended up looking more like a pile of splintered
wood.
While this position calls for an individual who takes a broad general view of
the Western canon, Jesus, I do not need to tell you, is in many ways a key
component in such a tradition. His extensive work with lepers,
moneychangers, and whores is well documented, and the sociological insights he
draws from everyday experience make Jesus a thinker firmly set in the humanistic
tradition. Additionally, he completed one of his field exams in
transubstantiation.
Also, he has extensive experience studying overseas, and with your department's
interest in international internship opportunities, I have no doubt that Jesus
will provide a valuable contact for various organizations in the Middle East. Most
American academics, myself included, are more than humbled by his global reach
and seemingly transnational influence.
Aside from all of these qualifications, Jesus is also a dynamo in the classroom. While
observing a session of his graduate-level workshop, "English 777: Writing
Stories to Make You Born Again," Jesus brought in several artifacts from
the ancient world. I watched students, many of whom were
first-generation attendees at the university level, delight in handling
Veronica's Veil, the Shroud of Turin, and assorted pieces of the True Cross. After
such a tactile exercise, Jesus asked each student to write a prose poem that
would relate these implements to various ideas in the cultural arena; as an
exercise in metonymy, such work proved fascinating.
When one doubting student challenged Jesus to prove the authenticity of some of
the "True Cross" pieces, Jesus, with great authority, allowed the
challenger to poke a finger into some of his most noticeable wounds. The
student, clearly impressed by the fleshiness of her professor's argument, as far
as I know, did not wash her hands for the rest of the semester. In
this way, Jesus is an exemplar for hands--on learning. It is no
exaggeration to say that he performs miracles in the classroom.
I am keenly aware that no colleague, regardless of how skilled a scholar and
classroom pedagogue, can escape the grind of committee work and other intangible
service responsibilities that mark our greatest professors. Here, I
am obliged to write, Jesus is not always the most straightforward associate; he
often speaks in riddles and parables. Just the other day, I asked him
if he agreed with the Dean's recent pronouncement that raising the University's
endowment must be our biggest priority. His response, "But woe
to you who are rich, for you have already received your consolation," will
certainly not help us build a new sports center and 5000-seat concert arena.
On another occasion, when a student asked him if he would be interested in
purchasing a candy bar for a jazz band fund-raiser, Jesus sternly responded
with, "Blessed are you that hunger now, for you shall be satisfied." Despite
the frustration such comments sometimes elicit, Jesus is largely cordial and
collegial, and I know from conversations with him that he generally approves of
jazz music.
Since most institutions require publication of a book for promotion to tenure, I
should inform you that there is considerable academic controversy about the book
Jesus claims to have had a hand in writing. He has, at times, argued
that he was a ghostwriter working through the pen of various advanced graduate
students, and at other instances, that his dissertation direction heavily
influenced the production of the text. Other competing academic
schools, no doubt motivated by jealousy and lowly post-structuralism, have
claimed that the text is more of an amalgamation of many different writers, or,
perhaps most egregiously, that the book does not possess an author at all. Such
demagogues call Jesus himself a historical fabrication, but even they-when
stricken ill or faced with some catastrophe-have been known to waffle on the
issue.
While I have not always agreed with Jesus's strong views on particular subjects,
particularly his sometimes wavering position on his own divinity, I can say
without hesitation that he will be eminently effective in your department-a
colleague who will literally walk on water for his institution; I do not
hesitate to offer him my highest recommendation.
Please contact me if I can provide further information about his application.
Sincerely and amen,
Phileas T. Mugwumpery
Distinguished Professor of Academic Excellence
____________________
Davis
Schneiderman is Chair of the American Studies Program and an Assistant Professor
of English at Lake Forest College. His creative work has accepted by
numerous journals including Fiction International, The Iowa Review Web,
Clackamas Literary Review, Exquisite Corpse, Diagram, 3rd Bed, Quarter After
Eight, The Little Magazine, Gargoyle, and Happy. He is co-editor of
the forthcoming critical collection Retaking the Universe: William S. Burroughs
in the Age of Globalization (Pluto Press, 2004). Dr. Schneiderman is
currently co-editing an anthology on contemporary uses of the Surrealist
Exquisite Corpse, as well as co-editing the new literary journal Potion.
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