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The Original Ending to Pride and Prejudice, or,
The Sopping Bride
by Anna Psitos
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“I’m snappishly funny, aren’t I?” Lizzie looked at her sister Jane, who sat
complacently doing her needlework.
Jane raised her head. “Well, Lizzie, I’ve always thought so, but what does
that have to do with anything?” She smirked, knowing full well that Mr. Darcy had
said just the night previous that only some women could entertain him.
Lizzie pouted. “That man is infuriating. First I’m not handsome enough to tempt him, then I’m not funny enough!” She narrowed her eyes. “I’ll show
him.”
“Lizzy! Jane!” came their mother’s shrill voice from the hall. “Come
here! A new eligible bachelor has just moved into the neighborhood and I must have you
meet him!” The girls grudgingly rose from the table the top of which was strewn with all manner of threads and needles. Soon they were within their
mother’s fussing hands, plucking their gowns ever lower and pinching their cheeks to an
unnatural shade of pink. “There, you look just perfect.” Mrs. Bennett rushed
them back into the sitting room as horse hooves were heard on the walk outside.
A tall man, dapper in the fashions of the day swung his leg over his horse, dismounting in one swift movement. ‘If he’s that good with a horse, how good is he
with a woman?’ Lizzie thought with a smile. The pinkness of her cheek quickly turned to white as the man turned
around and she beheld to see the face of her uncle, whom she had not seen in
years.
“Oh, girls, look. Your uncle has come to pay a visit. How kind of him. It’s a shame he had to come now, with the bachelor on his way.” Mrs.
Bennett’s
voice turned petulant and sarcastic. “Now, Thomas,” she reprimanded as the man
appeared in the doorway, “you know you are supposed to inform us when you are
coming to visit. We’re expecting a very important visitor and you’ll only get in
the way.”
“Now, ma’am, how do you know I’m not the man you’re waiting for?” A
twinkle in his eyes betrayed the joke he was playing on his sister-in-law. While Mrs.
Bennett spluttered, Thomas explained the situation. “I am the new bachelor in
the neighborhood, sister. You just assumed it would be someone you can fix one of
my lovely nieces up with.”
In came two squealing girls, followed by another sister. “Uncle Thomas!!!”
As the youngest of the elder Bennett family, Thomas was close in age to the next
generation of Bennett sisters and had acted as an older brother to them. He proceeded to pull their hair and tweak their noses before giving them hugs.
After managing to get a smile of welcome from his sister in law, Thomas went off to
find his brother.
Smoothing her skirt, Mrs. Bennett attempted to find the upside in the situation.
After several seconds of thought, she gave up and started complaining about unexpected visitors. “To think! The many times we have given him shelter and
he doesn’t have the decency to even let us know when he was planning on
coming!”
“Mama, I’m sure he didn’t tell us on purpose. You know how he loves to surprise you.” Ever pacific, Jane did her best to calm her mother for the next
several minutes, while Lizzie thought of ways to be funny. She had thought of
nothing but a mere prank by the time the cause of her distress appeared. He opened the
door and had barely set foot over the threshold when a bucket of water came down upon his head. No smile.
“Darcy! I didn’t know you were here!” Thomas strode out of his brother’s
library, ignoring the fact that his friend was soaked to the skin. “What you
need is a walk about the lawn.” Thomas took Darcy by the arm and whirled him around.
“...But...I was...wait!” In vain, Darcy attempted to free himself, but was propelled into the outdoors for a constitution.
Lizzie watched in frustration
from the house.
“Really, Lizzie, I don’t know what you’re waiting for. All you have to do
is run after him and pretend to turn your ankle. He’ll be sure to help you
then.” Lydia, the youngest and loosest, had snuck up on her elder sister, causing
Lizzie to blush.
“But he doesn’t think I’m funny!” whined the normally mature Lizzie.
“That doesn’t matter as long as he can see your shelf.” Lydia reached over
and pulled down the top of Lizzie’s dress a little more. Horrified, Lizzie tried
unsuccessfully to back away before Lydia readjusted her sister’s bosom. “You
really need to wear your corset tighter, it’s the only way to really get these
things to stay perky.” Lydia stepped back and contemplated her sister’s
figure. “I know!” Lydia dashed off and in the blink of an eye had returned with a
jug of water from the wash basin.
“Hey!” Lizzie stood in the remains of the jug’s contents, the empty jug in
Lydia’s capable hands. “What’s that supposed to do? We’re supposed to be
proper ladies, here!”
Lydia snorted. “Being a proper lady won’t get you married, sweetie. Besides,
everyone is doing this. You should hear the tales Maria Lucas brought back from her trip to London. Every high class woman at the theater was drenched. It
was a miracle they didn’t catch their death, but never mind that.” She
turned Lizzie by the shoulders and pushed her out the door.
“Lizzy!” Jane’s horrified voice came from the other side of the hedge.
“What happened to your dress?!” Seeing Lydia still in the doorway, Jane immediately
understood and stepped out from behind the bush. “Well, she does have a point.
You may not realize it, but while every single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife, those willing to risk a little more have a
better chance at becoming that wife.” Lizzie’s jaw dropped at her sister’s
admission. Sweet, practical Jane saying this? What was becoming of the world?
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, Charles is supposed to be walking by soon and I must meet
him so he can save me from being trampled by a cow.”
Lizzie gaped at her sister’s retreating form. Her dress was significantly lower, now that she thought about it. That ‘shelf’ Lydia had mentioned was
dangerously close to falling off its supports. Her eyes narrowed suspiciously.
What was happening to everyone? It was no where near the full moon, there could be
no explanation there. The flour hadn’t fermented, though the last time that happened, her mother had been seeing elves for a month.
While she was pondering her family’s latest insanity, her uncle rounded the side of the house, Darcy
still in tow.
“Lizzie! How delightful to see your...you!” Thomas nudged Darcy, who was having a little trouble focusing on
Lizzie’s face. “Have you come out to
enjoy the air, as well? You must join us in our foray into your pleasant little wilderness on the side of the house.” She was quickly overtaken and swept up
by her uncle’s forward momentum.
Soon the trio found themselves in the patch of garden her mother kept promising to clear up. It was becoming a haven for all sorts of small rodents, which
Lizzie heard scurrying away at their approach. “I see your mither...oh, my Scottish ancestry is coming out...your mother still hasn’t made any
improvements to this little area.”
“No,” replied Lizzie, confused by Thomas’ admission of Scottish ancestry.
“But I believe she’s actually gotten past the planning phase and is merely waiting
until the onset of fall to start planting.”
“Splendid. I look forward to coming back and seeing the finished product next year. What about you, Darcy? Don’t you think this area will be beautiful when
it’s all fixed up?” Thomas nudged Darcy, who was having difficulty locating
Lizzie’s face.
“Beautiful...” echoed Darcy, his eyes starting to cross from focusing too
long. Thomas tripped Darcy, which woke him from his reverie. “Oh, yes, clearly.
That’s what I’ve been saying all along.”
The other two decided to ignore Darcy’s lack of clarity and swiftly changed
the subject. “I do love summer, though. It provides ample opportunity for taking
a swim in obliging lakes. Or taking baths with your clothes on.”
Lizzie turned a shade similar to that of a tomato and Darcy looked archly at his
friend. “I’ll have you know that I was surprised when I entered a room.”
“Really? And your first reaction was to jump in a lake?”
“No–“
“Oh, so you did that before you came here? Wonderful. I always say there aren’t enough wet people walking around.”
“Now, see here, Thomas–“ Darcy pointed.
“Yes, that’s a lovely example of a rose, thank you for pointing it out. I
was confused what they looked like.”
Darcy looked down. Somehow a rose had attached itself to his sleeve and was gesturing with him. He reached down and detached the thorns from his sleeve and
looked back at his companions. “Where was I?”
“You were about to remark about how lovely this garden is this time of
year.”
Darcy wrinkled his brow. “No, it wasn’t.”
“Then you were going to say that perhaps we should take a turn about the rest of the garden? It’s soooo refreshing.”
Lizzie was perplexed. Had Uncle Thomas been in the wine already? It wasn’t even noon yet. But she raised no objections as the left the small wilderness and
returned to the well-maintained part of the lawn. She noticed her other sisters scattered around the lawn in various states of wetness.
“Did your father install a swimming pool that I haven’t seen, Lizzie?”
Thomas looked at his niece. “Or is there a problem with the water pump that all
clothes must be washed on the person?”
“It’s Mama’s latest idea for getting dresses to maintain their shape. As
soon as it’s dry, the next dress is put on to be washed.”
“I shall have to tell my sister about that,” remarked Darcy. “She’s been
trying for years to get dresses to hold their shape, to no avail.”
“Well, if she needs any more hints, I’m sure my sister Lydia will be more
than happy to oblige.” Darcy looked over at Lydia, who was rearranging her shelf,
oblivious to observation.
Eyebrows raised, he replied, “Well, perhaps I’ll merely pass that one on.”
Just then Lydia reached into the top of her dress and manually shifted her right
bosom.
“Denny!” Lydia cried, whipping her hand out of her dress and waving. She dashed over to the hedge to converse with the corporal on the other side.
“Are you sure you don’t want your sister to meet Lydia?” Lizzie asked, innocently. “Why ever not? Lydia is the sweetest, most unassuming girl there
ever was.” Darcy looked at Lizzie archly, and she continued blithely.
“Truly, any girl who does not throw herself at every redcoat that passes isn’t being
true to herself.”
Unsure what to think, Darcy turned away, only to find his vision assaulted by the figure of Mary in a garish orange dress, plastered to her skinny frame. He
turned his head again to witness Kitty in the act of rearranging her corset. Eyes bugging, he returned his gaze to rest on
Lizzie, who was doing her best not to laugh. “Doesn’t your sister do that?” Just then a cow bellowed farther
down the lane and Jane cried, “I will!”
Darcy, stricken, looked to Lizzie.
“I gave her no such instruction,” said Lizzie sincerely.
Darcy burst into laughter. “Well, before any of my livestock is harmed, Miss
Bennett, will you marry me?”
Too stunned for words, Lizzie nodded.
From down the lane, a frantic lowing was heard,
with Charles's impassioned pleas of love echoing behind.
Lizzie resolved to check the flour again as
soon as possible.
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Anna Psitos, currently living in Germany, is
not actually German. Gotcha!
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