|
Resignation
By
Adam McGrath
____________________
To: Mr. R. Sole
Managing Director,
Grabbit & Leggit Financial Services
Dear Sir,
I am writing to explain my actions re. my recent departure from your employment,
and clarify the manner of my behaviour during said departure. It has been
suggested to me that some of the things I may have said or done were perhaps
unorthodox, and I would like to avoid any misunderstanding.
Firstly, and on a personal note, my language. Although I firmly stand by my
voiced suspicions regarding the canine nature of your maternal lineage and your
copulation with same, I can appreciate that my use of the vernacular in
conveying my opinions may have been unsettling. This was not my intention,
and I hereby wholeheartedly apologise for the tone, if not the content, of my
statements. Similarly, my speculation upon the corpulent and porcine nature of
your spouse.
The destruction of the priceless Babylonian artifact which, until recently,
resided on your desk is quite lamentable, and I deeply regret my part in the
application of extreme kinetic force to said object. In an attempt to make
some small restitution, I have been in touch with your (formerly our) contact in
Pockett & Filch Insurance Ltd. regarding the compensation on this item, and
have even taken the liberty of informing the Revenue
officers of your forthcoming windfall in order to save you any undue paperwork.
Mr. Filch informs me that he will indeed pay out in full on your claim, upon
receipt of the necessary paperwork of legitimate ownership from the Overseas Artifact
offices of the Govt. Heritage Department (who I have also been in contact with). A
gentleman from said department informs me that he was unable to find the
necessary documentation, but will be in touch with you shortly to clear up any
legal matters arising.
Naturally, and given the abrupt nature of my leaving, there are some matters of
business outstanding which you may wish to tie up or re-assign. These are as
follows:
1. While tidying up my affairs I discovered a discrepancy between our internal
accounting systems and those disclosed to the auditors and various regulatory
bodies. In order to resolve this matter I have forwarded copies of our
internal accounting systems (for the periods 1980-2003) to the appropriate
bodies with an explanatory cover note. I appreciate that this may result in
an exposure to certain taxation liabilities and penalty
charges, but I am certain that a gentleman of your integrity would wish to have
this error corrected.
2. Due to a technical error (arising from my unfortunate blending of a large
cappuccino with the internal electronics of my former computer) I was unable to
reverse a purchase of certain stocks and shares before my departure. Sadly,
these shares (mostly high-risk tech stocks, purchase value £5.7bn) have fallen
significantly in value during recent days, some having depreciated by as much as
95%. While this admittedly represents a significant impact on the capital
of your company, I am confident that further damage can be limited by swift
action on your part.
In closing, I would like to formally tender my resignation, as I believe I
neglected to do so in the correct fashion during our initial parting
discussions. I have transferred an appropriate severance package to my bank
account, commensurate with my length of service and level of seniority within
the company; I feel obliged to inform you that I have also taken a full copy of
your personal finances for safekeeping, against the unfortunate eventuality that
such documents should be obtained by the Inspectors of Taxes.
With kind regards,
George Grey, B.A. M.Acc. FCA ACMA
____________________
Rising
star of a literary scene of one, Adam McGrath has also solved chess,
successfully quit smoking hundreds of times and had work rejected from such
prestigious publications as The New Yorker and Granta. He
can order a pint of beer in over two dozen languages (including Arabic, although
he must keep getting it wrong because they always give him odd looks when he
does). He has an IQ of 158 and a range of minor super powers.
Adam was born in England, grew up in Australia, lives in Ireland, and holidays
all over Asia and Africa. Top that. http://screamingcuttle.livejournal.com
|
