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Tragic Estates
By Allison Landa
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Tragic Estates is a different kind of real estate development. We don't offer a
community pool or spa, charge homeowners' dues, or shield our property with iron
gates, brass-topped, sharp points making sure that should you try to tumble over
our gilded line, you won't be doing it again.
Instead, we've got gummy worms. That's right, all the gummy worms you can eat.
We've got so many gummy worms, in fact, that we have an interest list the size
of our arm, and trust us, dear potential resident, that is one honey of an arm.
No, Tragic Estates has no rules making sure your pesky next-door-neighbor mows
their lawn, no specially designated schools or community parks with little
teeter-totters for the brats that climb aboard, they climb aboard, and they
teeter and totter and sometimes they fall off and break their necks and
sometimes, sometimes that means.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Gummy worms, dammit, there isn't another
residential development from here to Washoe that'll provide you with that.
Imagine the possibilities. Real estate is expensive, my dog knows that. You're
gonna break your back fixing that mortgage, nailing down all that insurance,
getting the wife to do her share of packing and you know that she won't, you
know you're just going to have to get her into a corner and wave your fist and.
Now I'm definitely getting ahead of myself. Brass tax: We built Tragic Estates
for a reason. We wanted to be different, you know, just that, different. And we
are. We are different. We aren't like Candy Ass Walk at Suck My Dick Lane down
the way, no. Them, they're just an overpriced hunk of junk, those houses. And
you know that new development down Route 81, the Blow Me Villas? They really did
it up, the Blow Mes. They've got their own Blow Me Bridge, their own Blow Me
Schools, I hear they're even coming out with a new Blow Me brand of carpeting,
can't wait to see that. They're trying to make product there, you know, sell
something different, something theirs, and I understand that, and I will even
begrudgingly tell you that I respect the Blow Mes, I do.
But listen. Hear me good. They are no Tragic
Estates.
Gummy bears. This is the key. When your marriage is falling apart and your kids
are crying in the corner and they're like, Mom, Dad, we can't take this shit any
more and the dog's out there and you know what, she's kind of looking good,
looking tasty, looking like you can't figure out whether you want to barbecue
her up or just plain fuck her so you decide to dump her in the canyon instead,
just push her out the car and drive away because that's really the kindest
thing, spare her, spare them, spare you and everyone .
Come to Tragic Estates. Live the lifestyle. Cry the tears and eat the bears. We
promise you, we swear, nothing will ever be the same.
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Allison Landa was raised in a palace, spent her
trust fund on Tic-Tacs acquisition, and enjoys wearing crotchless fishnet
bodysuits. If you can guess which one of these is the blatant truth, send her an
email at allison@allisonlanda.com.
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