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Flying To The Sun
By Alex Keegan
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Dear traveler, since you have decided you are going to the sun, please read
the following guide. Also, it is important that you ensure you take all
items as specified in inventory 16, 17, 18, 19, 20 and 20a. The carrying of
High-Factor* UV-Block is mandatory.
You will need:
(a) Knife, Fork, Spoon (metal)
(b) Knife, Fork, Spoon (plastic)
Items B1 B2 B3 will be used on the journey out
(there is a postal stop on the moon for which you will need envelopes, sticky
labels and six twenty pence stamps per letter; a second stop is made in
Venusian orbit but here postage will be £29:99 or three letters for £74:99.
Occasionally refrigerated mail may be sent from Mercury at a cost of £256,087
per ounce, but this cannot be guaranteed)
but from Mercury onwards, the plastic cutlery will be inoperative, whereupon
items A1, A2, A3 will replace them. (See “oven gloves” items 19:8:C1 and
C2).
Our brochure, which we are sure you have studied, details the eleven stages
of sun-travel. These are Investigation, Preparation, Expectoration (our little
joke as your ship takes off from Spitzbergen), Euphoria, Negative Reaction,
Boredom, Ennui, The Suicidal Fifty Million Miles, then Acceleration. There
is one more stage.
Investigation, we need not deal with. You have acquired the necessary funds
and booked your place on Sun Flight 13. Now begins preparation. (This is
why you are reading these instructions.)
“Expectoration” (the beginning of the physical journey from the Spitzbergen
Sun Exploration Centre) is set for February 9. The launch of the ship will
not be delayed by weather, only by earthquake or catastrophic mechanical
breakdown.
Euphoric reaction to escape from Earth is normal. The sheer power of SunShip
13 and the spectacular light displays seen when breaking through the
various earthbelts (the oxygen-nitrogen limits (5,000 feet), the aerosol circle,
the flatulence zone, the historically named but inaccurate so-called
“ozone-layer”, stratosphere, ionosphere, and so on are truly stunning,
and if anyone ever returns from a SunShip expedition (rather than the ejected
cameras) we expect them to have written stellar poetry.
Negative Reaction after Earth-escape is a common but not automatically experienced
syndrome. Letters from Venus (£29:99 or three letters for £74:99) have
detailed the sudden reverse in outlook by travelers. It is believed this may be
due to an excess of serotonin in the bloodflow of the brain due to
hyper-stimulation from the light and colour display of the Earth-escape
phase, though some letters have suggested that the view of Earth looking like a
rotten apple giving of odorous fumes which drift in the solar wind may be a
contributing factor.
Escape from Earth takes power, and the early slingshot trip to and round the
moon is the beginning of the phase known as boring. Subsequent phases are
fucking boring, Jesus this is fucking boring and phase three, this is so
fucking boring I’m going to have to kill the
next person to blink.
After the moon, sling-shot orbit (remember to post those letters!) we are
unfortunately entering the toughest part of the journey.
At the time of your travel, after slinging out from the moon, you will have
a little over 92,895,679 miles to go, and you are traveling on gravity
alone. Don’t worry, you WILL accelerate. Acceleration is occurring once
you leave moon-orbit but you will not truly appreciate it due to the great
vastness of space and our incredible menus!
But the suicidal fifty million miles are not trivially named. Appreciate that
all your fellow passengers, like you, are so rich they had no lives back on
earth, they have no personality, and they have nothing to do except try to buy
and sell things, make things, pollute etc.
And you will all be doing this to each other for the next fifty million
miles.
Until THE ACCELERATION…
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Don’t let his expert analysis fool you. Alex
Keegan has never traveled to the sun and probably never will, thanks to a
restraining order issued on seven of our solar system’s planets and a hefty
intergalactic bounty on his head. For details of his recent incarceration on an
asteroid mining facility, go to http://www.alexkeegan.com.
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