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Die, Aussie, Die!
An Indictment of Hollywood’s Dependency on Australian
Star Power
By Amanda DeSimone
____________________
Like many god-fearing loyal Americans, I take
the patriotic act of consuming very seriously. And, like many Americans, my
favorite place in which to indulge, other than Tijuana, is at the local movie
theater.
This past weekend, I drove the three blocks to my local megaplex, plopped down
$10.50 for a ticket, purchased ample concessions and proceeded to Theater 28. The
theater had stadium seating with oversized seats and unobstructed views,
affording me the sensation of relaxing behind the wheel of my military surplus
Hummer. Two hot dogs, a box of Milk Duds and a Diet Coke later, I made the
decision to commence what I hoped would be an all-out theater-hopping
extravaganza.
Unfortunately, just as I was about to help myself to a third movie, I was
ambushed by a power-crazed usher. This evildoer—a teenager with a surprisingly
clear, yet markedly un-American complexion—charged me with the criminal
occupation of theater seats.
As I reluctantly withdrew myself from the movie theater, it dawned on me that a
much graver crime has long been tolerated, even embraced, by this country. Many
are already aware of this crime, which is committed each time an American is
forced to pay $10.50 for a movie that is preceded by 15 minutes of commercials. I
decided to dedicate the rest of my afternoon to uncovering the reason behind,
and devising a solution for, such exorbitant ticket prices.
After minutes of extensive research, I unearthed La-La Land’s best-kept
sinister secret. No, it is not that many in Hollywood participate in
unsavory homosexual activities. That is hardly a secret. Instead, I
would like to expound upon the fact that Hollywood has grown dependent on
expensive Australian star power to fuel its blockbusters.
According to Joel Silver, Hollywood producer and founder of Ultimate Frisbee
(1): “The greatest actors in the world now are Australian. Why? I don’t
know, maybe it’s in the water down there I guess.”(2)
Yet, blood is thicker than water. And the blood of the 165,000 criminals
that were shipped to Australia from 1787 to 1868 (3) courses through the veins
of many of today’s top Hollywood stars. The superior acting talent
displayed by Oscar-winning descendents of criminals such as Geoffrey Rush and
Nicole Kidman cannot be denied. Likewise, no one can dismiss the
extraordinary ranges of Oscar nominees Cate Blanchett, Naomi Watts, Toni
Collette and Rachel Griffiths. And certainly no one can refute the
blockbuster potential displayed by criminal spawn Hugh Jackman, Eric Bana and
Heath Ledger.
On the supply side, movie acting—the art of encompassing a false identity for
financial gain—comes natural to the criminal-minded members of the former
prison society. And on the demand side, the American movie-going public
insists on convincing performances. However, the ultimate moral and financial
price of continued business with the Aussies will bring this country to its
knees. In order to prevent this, Hollywood must mount a unified front
against the Evil Empire of Australia. Unfortunately, Operation Outback-Storm
will not be easy as the Australians count die-hard fanatics, ingrates and
extremists amongst their ranks.
Australian Mel Gibson, criminally insane from a young age, has consistently
exhibited delusions of grandeur. Still, he was able to conceal his
fanaticism until earlier this year when he publicly expressed contempt for those
who do not share his crackpot religious beliefs, declaring: “There is no
salvation for those outside the [‘Holy Family’ Catholic] Church.”(4) Apparently,
Gibson anticipates an unlikely day when the majority of Americans are cast into
the everlasting fire that was originally prepared for the devil and his angels
but is now accepting Australian applicants.
Another critically acclaimed miscreant, Toni Collette, also expressed
anti-American sentiments. Although she has prospered immensely in
Hollywood, USA, she had this to say about the hand that feeds her: “You know,
there’s always a sense of pretense, especially in America. I don’t feel
bad about saying that I find it to be a very odd country.”(5) Perhaps Collette
would find it less pretentious to spend the rest of her life in her homeland
drunk on Foster’s, wrestling reptiles, koalas and Aborigines.
Most alarming, however, are the Australian extremists who will stop at nothing
in their quest to reap the eternal awards only the Academy can bestow. Nicole
Kidman, aberrantly left-handed from birth, defied nature by becoming
right-handed to play Virginia Woolf in the American film “The Hours.” Most
appalling, however, was when Kidman drowned herself in a river in an effort to
prove her unyielding devotion to the craft of shocking the American public. When
will these people learn that suicide is always wrong, even in the name of Oscar?
Never mind that many Hollywood actors physically transform themselves for roles
with unhealthy weight-gain and weight-loss regimens. Geoffrey Rush actually
metamorphosed into a pelican to play the part of Nigel in “Finding Nemo.” Clearly,
Hollywood has underestimated how far these dingo jockeys are willing to go.
These impostors from Down Under have seduced unsuspecting moviegoers with their
fake American accents and fake American good looks. And Hollywood has
played a perverse role in the seduction. In a rare case of outsourcing gone
wrong, Hollywood has acquiesced to the Australians’ demands of $15-$25 million
per movie.
Frankly, there is no reason for this betrayal to continue. A highly
affordable alternative exists right here on U.S. soil that could just as
effectively satiate America’s need for great movie actors. Now is the
time to look toward our own untapped natural resource that is the United States
Correctional System.
There are many indisputable benefits in employing American convicts to star in
motion pictures. Like their Aussie counterparts, these convicts possess the
criminal mentality that compelling acting requires. Furthermore, prison life is
conducive to maintaining a sexy, movie-star-caliber physique. Convicts are able
to build brawn through hard labor and sculpt long, lean muscles while evading
rapists and disciplining bitches.
Yet, the greatest benefit the American people would enjoy is the enormous
savings at the box office. Even a high school economics student knows that
paying foreign workers even a fair wage in exchange for labor is simply
uneconomical, and thus un-American. You wouldn’t pay $4,200 for a pair of
Nikes, so why should you pay $10.50 for a movie ticket?
According to my research, the average federal prisoner earns $0.92 per hour. (6) The
time it takes to complete a hypothetical Hollywood movie shoot is 15 weeks at 12
hours a day, 6 days a week. Now suppose, just to be safe, that the convict
cast in the starring role were to work every one of those hours. His or her
paycheck would be $993.60, a far cry from the $25 million Mel Gibson received
for “Signs.”(7) Naturally, Hollywood studios would pass this
savings directly on to the American movie-going public. Under this new
system, Americans could probably expect to pay $0.25 per ticket.
In the name of patriotism, I beseech all Hollywood executives to demonstrate
confidence in American criminal resources by severing their ties with the
Aussies. This would be the first step. I wish I could say that simply
placing an embargo on Australia would suffice. But, remember, we’re
dealing with fanatics, extremists and ingrates.
Some are now saying that there may be some validity to Joel Silver’s
horrifying guess that Australia possesses Waters of Movie-acting Dominance (WMDs). Therefore,
it is imperative that experts are deployed at once to the Continent of Evil to
test its water supply. If evidence is found supporting the existence of
WMDs, disaster may be averted by siphoning every last drop to the US. If no
evidence is found, the experts may pause briefly to sigh with relief… and then
immediately poison the water supply. Because you never know.
1.
International Movie Data Base (www.imdb.com)
2. The Sydney Morning Herald, March 5, 2003
3. The Fatal Shore, Robert Hughes, 1987
4. Interview with Australia’s Herald Sun per www.msnbc.msn.com
5. Interview with Paul Fischer at the Toronto International Film
Festival, 2002 (www.iofilm.co.uk)
6. The Ultimate Field Guide to the U.S. Economy: “Felons: The American
Worker’s Newest Competitor?” Laura Singleton, November 13, 2002
7. International Movie Data Base
____________________
Amanda DeSimone is shooting a reality show for
The Family Channel called "Digging Up DeSimone." The show follows
DeSimone, a plastic surgeon, a casket customizer and a pseudo celebrity as they
gallivant about Queens in a Cadillac Escalade/Bulldozer hybrid. Each week, the
team must evaluate the graves of DeSimone's many dead relatives and choose the
one they feel probably accommodates the most unsightly remains. Once the
gravesite is excavated, the transformation begins: The plastic surgeon gives the
corpse an extreme, eternal makeover, the casket customizer pimps the lucky
cadaver's coffin and the pseudo celebrity entertains onlookers with a dramatic
reading.
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