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A Trilogy of Poems Written Sometime in High
School
By Simon Bradley
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Here is a trilogy of poems I wrote for my High
School GCSE English Language original-writing coursework. I failed the course,
but the teacher said she liked them. The pre-commentaries are meant to be
included. The main purposes of these poems were to amuse, entertain and
ultimately piss of the examiner. I think the big fat U grade (that's the UK
equivalent of an F) they gave me is proof that I was successful. Justification
or what?
You're All Cunts
This poem is meant to subvert the expected conventions of the reader. Am I
calling the reader a cunt, or is it a satirical dig at Western popular culture
and, in turn, a dig at the form of poetry itself? No, I just think the word
'cunt' is a right laugh.
You're all cunts,
Especially you, cunt,
You fucking cunt,
You're just a stupid cunt,
You cunt.
You're a bigger cunt,
Than that cunt Jim Davidson,
And you are such a cunt,
You're a cunting cunt,
You cunt.
Cunt cunt cunt.
Fucking cunting cunt.
Cunting fucking cunt.
Cunting cunting fuck.
You cunt.
Suck My Dick
This poem has many Japanese elements, following a loose syllable-structure and
the reversal of certain phrases. It is a metaphor between a man's struggle
between his own needs and his duty to society. You wanker.
Suck my dick,
Because you suck dick,
You dick-sucker,
Suck my dick.
Herpes
This poem is based on real-life experience. It's a harsh exposé on the cruel
discrimination which people with herpes must suffer every day of their lives.
The dirty bastards.
Herpes is my favourite food,
I have it with my tea,
It looks like you've got scabies,
And tastes like fucking pee.
Thank you and I hope you got a right laugh out of these. Although, if any of the
issues raised in these poems affect you, you can call our confidential helpline
on 0800 991 7584. Unless you've hot herpes. I've heard you can catch it over the
phone these days, you sick bugger.
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Simon lives in the city of Salford, in darkest
North West England. This town is so primitive, the main
leisure activities are the outdated practices of bear-baiting, witch-burning and
rugby league. Simon himself lives alone, although he has children. Well, that's
the rumour round the estate, anyway. He has always wanted to write, but has only
recently found a pen.
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