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A Brace of Nun Poems
By Roddy Williams
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NUNS VII
hear the gnashing of the nuns, toothy nuns.
what a dark flamenco class their mealtime has become
as they gnash and gnaw and nibble
as they salivate and dribble
as they chew into their sausages and buns.
they will snap and bite and tear
at a chocolate éclair
with a chomping and a snapping
and a clicking and a clacking
like the safety-catches of a thousand guns.
it’s the nuns nuns nuns nuns nuns nuns nuns,
it’s the crashing and the gnashing of the nuns.
hear the thumping of the nuns, jumping nuns
leaping round the nunnery in threes and twos and ones.
hear them hop and shout “yahoo”
sometimes one leg, sometimes two
like an angry army beating up some drums.
hear them stomp and tap and clomp
tiptoe, pitterpat and romp
with a banging and a clapping,
booming, thundering and slapping,
forming trills and thump-arpeggios and runs.
it’s the nuns nuns nuns nuns nuns nuns nuns,
it’s the stomping and the clomping of the nuns.
hear the snoring of the nuns, sleeping nuns
the growing of the thunder as the hour of midnight comes
as they fall into their dozes
hear them rattle through their noses
all the howling and the growling from their lungs.
there is moaning, there is purring,
there is groaning, there is gurring,
there are snorts and rolls and grumbles
whistles, snuffles, clacks and rumbles;
steamy hissy bouts of roaring through the gums
it’s the nuns nuns nuns nuns nuns nuns nuns,
it’s the roaring and the snoring of the nuns.
NUNS V
in everton, luton and barkside
there were nuns who had turned to the dark side.
the pope sent in teams
who were blasted with beams.
he was forced to resort
to unheard-of extremes
like issuing edicts that
lightsabre themes
be included in all local sermons
(even by welsh priests
and belgians and germans;
rhodri’s and hercul’s
and hans’s and herman’s)
a battle was fought
just outside baron’s court
where the nuns deployed lasers
and deathrays and phasers,
some wookies from hull
and (so it was thought)
a robot called gort
the hideous light from
the nuns’ evil rays
could be seen in tall houses in
putney and hayes.
the afterglow, some said,
had lasted for days.
as was expected, the evil nuns died
and those on the evil cusp
went back inside,
said they were sorry, gave back the guns
and went back to being
just light-sided nuns.
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Roddy Williams lives with his partner in
London's Notting Hill, where they are founder members of AC/DC, the Anti Celine
Dion Campaign. 'Down With the Anti-Cher T-Shirts' are available, as are 'Wynona
Ryder Went Shopping and All She Stole For Me was This Lousy T-Shirt' shirts.
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