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Scurrilous Poetry
By Richard Gibson
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Note from Defenestration:
Richard Gibson sent us one of the strangest e-mails we’ve seen. Ever. While he
was sending us some poems for consideration, the entire e-mail was so damn weird
that we decided to publish it in its entirety. Enjoy!
Dear Andrew, Eileen, Genevieve, Haratron, Elm
Tree, and Bigfoot,
Yesterday, a seagull pecked out my left eye. In retaliation, I wrote the
following three poems.
POEM 1
Bogus Nasal Hair
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You don't impress me with your
BOGUS NASAL HAIR!
You freak, you animal from outer space!
BOGUS NASAL HAIR!
I would beat you with a stick, for you have
BOGUS NASAL HAIR!
You are SICK SICK SICK! with your
BOGUS NASAL HAIR!
I cannot take your
BOGUS NASAL HAIR any longer.
BOGUS NASAL HAIR!
(In explanation, my girlfriend recently shaved her ears.)
POEM 2
Oh Janice
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(Note: Janice is no relation to Mollie "Dumplings" O'Gnagh. In
case she calls. Mollie, that is. Janice has no pajamas. Not that
it's relevant.)
Oh Janice, why did you leave?
I'm so lonely now, in my lonely bed with just
Tina, Wendy, and Rita.
Tina has learnt that new thing with the
Peanut butter and linseed oil and
Yes, I know Wendy and Rita do the Dutch Burst almost as well as you.
But it's not the same.
Why oh why oh *why* did you leave, Janice?
Was it my leopard skin thong?
I told you it was fake!
POEM 3
Choogly Nogs
(Note: Janice wrote this on the back of a piece of paper. I know it's the
back because she wrote "This is the back of this piece of paper" on
it, a habit of hers since the accident with the lawnmower [a poem about this was
burnt by the cat, we never found out why. Btw, we have no idea who Trevor
is, 'we' being Emperor Hirohito, a man from Venezuela who claims he's a nun, and
a banana of no fixed abode.)
I love your choogly nogs
Your choogly nogs
(BOOM BOOM)
I love your hoogly chogs
Your hoogly chogs
(BOOM BOOM)
Your ching is doogly splee
Doogly splee!
(YEAH!)
I love your poogly glee
Your poogly glee
(YES YES)
Oh Trevor, ever since you
CAME
into my life
I've been singing
TOODLY KNEE, TOODLY KNEE
(BOOM BOOM)
Always, when you stroke my shins I cry
OOGLY WOX, OOGLY WOX!
(BOOM BOOM)
OGLY SOCKS, BOGLY POX!
(BOOM BOOM)
YEAH!
(Okay, I don't expect you to put 'em on your site, but I hope I got a chuckle on
a Tues. afternoon. All the best, Reginald Elephant (Lord Protector of
Unborn Ukeleles), but you can call me after six if you have a satellite.
56-56-56 (and hairy with it.)
____________________
A brief resume:
Lord Reginald Elephant of Banghlaudlee studies the third eye of his fourth wife
(deceased.) It looks like an eye, he decides, then he sits down and
writes, in Russian, the following: "Moscow vodka mozjebitz!" He feels
his fourth wife's eye for a moment or two before collapsing; as he falls to the
floor, the following poem springs from his pocket and opens, like a flower...
Ozymandias Beer
I met a silver-back gorilla in an antique shoppe
Who said: "Two pissed and legless editors from defenestrationmag.net
Stand in the car park. Near them, on the tarmac,
Half drunk, a shattered bottle lies, whose liquid,
And wrinkled label, with its promise of satisfaction,
Tell that the manufacturer well those passions read
Which yet survive in the pissed and legless editors (three others lie nearby),
stamped on their lifeless chins.
The other office workers have mocked them, as have the cleaning staff.
And on the label these words appear:
'Ozymandias Beer, Drink of Kings:
Drink my chilled 5.2% abv. contents, ye drinkers, and Have Fun!'
Nothing beside the broken glass and the pissed and legless editors remains.
Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck of editors, boundless and bare
(due to an unwarranted and, frankly, unwise game of strip poker)
The lone and level carpark stretches far away.
And to think, they all came by bus.
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