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the seven habits of highly effective graduate
students
By Megan Volpert
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one generate mountains of
paper
you will need a personal statement to get in here
you will need a thesis to get out of here
print outlines abstracts first
drafts first revisions
final versions
of everything
do this double spaced with wide margins
in twelve point five font courier new
try a table of contents and a cover page
fill out scholarship applications write grant proposals
request a book a classroom a
meeting
from the desk the
department the dean
post minutes from the meeting
post grades outside the classroom
take copious notes on the book
use them to organize scholarly academic journal articles
use them to write reviews poems essays
performances
and if after all this you do not have enough paper
take your paper to kinko’s and make photocopies
two complain
you have no money you are tired you are busy
generating mountains of
paper
you have to check your e-mail too many times a day
your computer crashed and you hate going to the lab across campus
the young minds you are helping to mold came to you already too moldy
your students are smarter than you
your professors are dumber than you
your pet was throwing up all night your lover was throwing up all
night
your car broke down your
heat turned off your
pipes are
leaking
you don’t have time to go to that reading you
owe the library money
you don’t have money to go to that conference your meeting is
a waste of
time
you are on a project a deadline a phone
which makes you in charge but
approachable but busy
you said busy already
when someone asks you how you are do
not say fine
list the three most mundane things you have to do during the week
in order from you are a bore to you are
being ignored
and if after all this you do not have enough to complain about
ask people you don’t like to be on your committee
three live in poverty
prices at kinko’s are going up
interest rates are going up
too many days of ramen noodles brings you down
too few drink specials brings you down
there will be a lot of fees
fees for registration fees for parking
technology fees fitness center fees
student health services mental health services
there will be a lot of bills
bills for books bills for
cell phone
grocery bills electricity
bills
maintenance services pest control services
you will realize the phrase highly competitive stipend actually means
very insulting hourly wage
you will realize this is why later
the first job you are offered seems good enough to take
you will learn to go easy on the air conditioner
you will learn to buy generic in
bulk on sale
and if after all this you still feel rich in spirit
remember your loans will come due nine months after graduation
four get a shtick
everyone has an ostentation a pretense a thing
be the instructor that brings your dog to class
be the student that relates everything back to nietzsche
be the boy who has a black belt in karate
be the girl who wears the spiked leather dog collar
be the token queer the token vegan the
token jew the
token
republican
be the one with a different hair color every week
be the one with a new tattoo every semester
be the one that watches every basketball game
be the one that actually used to play basketball
be the one that has outdated ideas be the one that has new fangled
ideas
and if after all this you do not have a good enough shtick
steal one from a professor going on sabbatical or into retirement
five get a secret
secretly hate that people think you have a shtick
secretly hate you officemate
secretly lust after your officemate
have an affair with one of your professors have
an affair with one of
your students
find a lump and go run tests find
a sore and go get tested
wonder if you are gay wonder
if you are pregnant
have an abortion a drug addiction an abnormal fetish
have a friend at kinko’s who lets you print for free
have a mother you like to call every other day
have a family video membership exclusively to rent pornography
and if after all this you feel you have no secrets
wait until it gets out
you’ll be devastated trust
me
six have a coping mechanism
at northern universities this is called beer
at southern universities this is called bourbon
wine is a requirement in any part of the country
sample speed and opiates
until you are expert enough to prefer one over the other
smoke pot as often as possible
share all this with all your peers
until your department appoints you czar of hospitality
which means entertain idiots from far away at the department conference
without actually mentioning most of your coping mechanisms
get the biggest television you can’t afford
and throw parties to watch random sporting events
get the biggest grill you can’t afford
and act like you know how to use it
be like everyone’s favorite semi-hip uncle
be obsessed with taking in a dozen old cats
be obsessed with spoiling your one puppy dog
obsessive compulsively clean your house or go shopping
and if after all this you still have trouble coping
remember there can be only one official alcoholic per department
so this may have to double unofficially as your secret
seven neuroses
this is what will happen
when your shtick grows stale
your secret gets around
your coping mechanism is failing
because you have no money to support it
and no time to support it
because you are buried under all your assignments
and you cannot complain about any of this
because you feel too guilty too paranoid too
ambitious
get yourself a good psychiatrist
or use the crappy one at mental health services
since that’s what you’re paying fees for already
and if after all this you can convince yourself
these experiences build your character
exploit that idealism to generate bigger mountains of paper
[END]
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Megan A. Volpert is a performance poet from
Chicago currently tempting fate at graduate school in Baton Rouge. She
prefers making art in response to art, never drinks coffee, and wouldn't know a
scholarly academic journal article if it bit her on the ass. Go to her
website—www.madelynhatter.com—for more of her work, complete bio, photos
and sound bites.
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