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Ode to an Academic
By David Choate
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Todd does not believe in God-
At least he says he doesn't-
Or Virtue, Truth or Cleansing Blood-
Nor anything unpleasant.
But if clerks believed in Nothing,
We'd have a hi ho, hearty time
And not worry we'd done something
Outside the Post-Mod party line.
But Dr. Todd does worry--
He worries half to death,
That he's bothered some bug's glory
Or a microbe by his breath.
Or perhaps a bird by coughing,
Or a mouse the cat has caught,
Or a snake who's in mid-sloughing,
Or a young mind by a thought.
If clerks thought life was random,
We'd slaughter baby seals
And splice their tripe in tandem
To spice our midday meals.
The very last breeding pair
Of each life form on this earth--
We would hunt down in sea and air
To make death as dumb as birth.
If clerks believed in Nothing,
We'd eat rare meats like manna,
But Todd condemns such grubbing--
Lest it's some native's grandma.
-- Or perhaps some pagan's grandma.
Todd does so admire the pagan--
At least before the Lion of Judah,
Coughed up some Galilean.
If clerks like me were pagan,
We'd send our comrades forth
To drag behind their pre-owned cars
The owners in the north.
But Todd's so odd a pagan
Since he carries 'round a cross.
He tries hard to heed a dragon:
The Provost, his witch-boss
If clerks were given tenure,
We'd get ourselves some drums
And beat them with wild pleasure
--And our bosses and their chums.
But Dr. Todd has tenure;
And yet we detect no drum.
In fact when he's with Bursar
He takes a harp to strum.
If clerks had no scruples,
We'd seek out tarts in curls
Like your swine rooting truffles
We'd root out dancing girls.
If we were really pagan,
We'd carry on with bar flies.
We'd soak them with a flagon
While pelting them with mud pies.
But Todd maintains romance is rape
And then falls strangely mute.
(The wife has lost her teeth and shape
And run to fat to boot.)
Dr. Todd believes in Nothing-
At least in nothing much-
But he may as well take the veil
And be whipped in church by monks.
____________________
After exhausting every other possibility, David
Choate now teaches mathematics in a liberal arts college in Kentucky. So far as
he can determine, he is the only teacher in history never to have received a
teaching award. However, in his youth he did distinguish himself as a
representative of the chronically unemployed.
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