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The Man with the Golden Pun: Troy and Van Helsing Fail Miserably at Whatever They Were Trying to Do by Genevieve |
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ARCHIVES October 2005 It's a Scream: Sting and Olivier fight. TO THE DEATH.
September 2005 Eragon: a Rondo
August 2005 Veronica Scars
July 2005 The Dork Knight: Christian Bale's Spotty History
May 2005 Kingdom of Heaven: Choose Your Own "Adventure"
March 2005: Rich, Chocolate Constantine. More Constantine, Please!
February 2005 Express Yourself: A Guide to Kate Beckinsale
January 2005 Phantom of the Opera: Because They Paid Me
November 2004 Girl in a Labyrinth: Stills from the Sequel October 2004 Feel the Byrne: Excalibur and Other Horrible Period Pieces
August 2004 A Judge of Character: The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
July 2004 Change of Place: Rick Springfield Goes Abroad
June 2004 The Forsyte Saga: What a Terrible Plan.
May 2004 The Man with the Golden Pun: Van Helsing and Troy Fail Miserably at Whatever it Was They were Trying to Do
April 2004 Hellboy. What the hell else would it be?
March 2004
February 2004 |
This month was going to be a review of the 1940 version of Pride
and Prejudice, because it is a horrible adaptation of a wonderful
story. However, Eileen and Andrew shamed me into writing about movies
that had recently come out. Why? Because, according to Andrew, I would
never shut up about them otherwise. Also, there’s a theme here. May is
Crappy Adaptation Month! I shall dispense quickly with Van Helsing, because
of the crippling number of narrative and cinematic flaws. However, in
typing that sentence I have already spent more time thinking about this
screenplay than the actual writers, which should give you a feel for the
quality of filmmaking you can expect as you shove your hand into your
cubic quart of popcorn and wait for the lights to go down. Van Helsing is about a brave, amnesiac
orphan whose sworn duty is to fight as many CG creatures as is humanly
possible. In this quest he is given an effeminate friar (the excellent
David Wenham) and a Romani princess (a CGI Kate Beckinsale). Oh, also,
the Vatican gives him a huge bag full of weapons, because apparently he
doesn’t know how to fight vampires. (Obviously the Vatican feels the
same way about vampire-hunting the way it feels about sex education.) He
is related to the Dracula novel because they used the wood pulp from a
ground-up copy to stuff his boot lifts with it. Here, the similarities
end. Dracula, played with scene-chomping glee by Richard
Roxburgh, manages to keep the movie afloat as long as he’s onscreen.
Lines such as “I. Ahm. HOLLOH” seem destined for a midnight chorus
in ten years, and he actually takes the time to 1) enjoy the camp of
this film and 2) emote. Unfortunately, he’s not CGI, nor does he have
huge boobies, so he’s often relegated to a subplot while Van Helsing
fights werewolves and Kate Beckinsale runs towards the shoulder-height
camera a lot. This reminds me of Troy, because a lot of people run
at the camera in Troy, and because Troy is the point of
this review. There was more to like in Troy, which is why the
huge errors infuriated me much more. How bad an adaptation was it? A
short transcript of the film follows. SCENE: VOICE-OVER LAND Odysseus: There are no gods in this, so I have to come up
with a theme that might work. How about “Our names will live for a
thousand years?” That won’t get old. Achilles: I’m going to go fight. You, eight year old
child, are going to die alone and cowardly because you are not going to
fight like I am. My name will live for a thousand years! Odysseus: I was wrong. Sorry. I’m just…going to go away
until the last scene. SCENE: SPARTA Paris: Why am I here? Shouldn’t a goddess have given me
an apple or something? Helen: I’m a German model! From Sparta. Paris: I’m a British Trojan! Helen: My darling! SCENE: TROY Priam: I must pray to the gods. Hector: Okay, dad. LOSER! Genevieve: You can’t make this without gods, can you. Priam: I have a magic sword that should stay in the Trojan
bloodline! It’s almost as good as a god. Genevieve: *drowns herself in her neighbor’s 143 ounce
Coke * SCENE: BEACH Achilles: I’m Brad Pitt. Apollo: Good thing they built my temple outside the
protective city walls. Nothing says “honor your absent gods” like
leaving me defenseless. Hector: They’re defiling the temple! Achilles’ Sergeant:
You’re defiling the temple! Achilles: Hello? No gods! Sergeant: Oh. Right. Nice job! *they plunder * SCENE: TROY Paris: I looked in a mirror today, and my hair was as shiny
as ever! The gods have blessed me. Andromache: I’m Hector’s wife. *weeps * Priam: I really feel like I should be praying to a god
here. Hector: Shut up, Dad. SCENE: GREEK CAMP Agamemnon: I will CHEW THIS SCENERY until I am NOMINATED
for an OSCAR, dammit! Odysseus: Actually, Peter O’Toole’s in this, and he’s
up next. Agamemnon: Fuck! Then bring me Achilles’ girl, so we can
get a plot going. Achilles: You will regret this! Briseis: This tearful speech will go on my audition reel! Genevieve: *chokes herself with her neighbor’s Milk Duds
box * SCENE: SPARTA Helen: Hector! Thank God we could take a break from the
people with whom we have no sexual tension to have this lust-laden
moment with one another! Hector: Riiiiight. I….have to go. My wife is weeping
somewhere, and I promised to bring her back some tissues. Helen: I’m trying to go to the Greek camp, but there’s
no goddess here to stop me. Hector: You and Priam with this gods crap! SCENE: GREECE Achilles: Man, it’s only been a week! This is great! I
thought this siege would drag on for ten years or something! Briseis: I need to establish that I possess a knife. Achilles: Cool. I need a love scene for the ladies at home.
Briseis: Sure. Genevieve: *pauses in her suicide attempt, realizes
there’s no tension here either, continues to gouge at her heart with a
plastic knife * SCENE: TROY Hector: I feel like this siege should be taking longer. Paris: God, have you SEEN my cheekbones? I should go out
and fight! * he tries to fight * Paris: And by “fight” I mean “scrabble for safety
like a worm on a sidewalk.” Hector: Someone needs to die! Helen: Actually, he takes me home at the end of the war. Hector: Oh. Well, uh, missed the memo. SCENE: GREEK CAMP Patroclus: Achilles, my man, we are TOTALLY gonna thrash
some Trojans! Achilles: No. You’re far too young for war, despite the
fact that I brought you over on my boat. Patroclus: Oh yeah? * steals Achilles’ armor, gets killed * Hector: Whoops. Achilles: I AM ENRAGED! Genevieve: You made the kid nineteen. I’ve been outraged
for two hours. SCENE: TROY Hector and Achilles: *fight * Priam: This would have a lot more resonance if Patroclus
had been older. Or maybe if a god had intervened? Andromache: *weeps * Helen: God, I hope I get that Gap ad soon. Achilles: Bitch, did I mention I’m the best warrior ever? Hector: Any reason for that? Genevieve: YES! GODS! Hector: *is killed * Achilles: *drags * Genevieve: *tries to crush her own head in the spring
mechanism of her seat * SCENE: GREEK CAMP Priam: May I have my son back? My Oscar speech compels you. Achilles: I’m Brad Pitt. I couldn’t be compelling if
you stuffed me with magnets. Priam: Right. Shall I take your girl as a plot device? Achilles: Right on, my man. Genevieve: *finally finds the sweet sweet peace of death by
smothering herself with a cubic quart of popcorn * I would finish the review, but I literally cannot stand to
type out how the movie ends, because it is so egregiously wrong that I
expected Bruce Willis to make a cameo as Aeneas. (That honor actually
went to Jonathan Taylor Thomas of AI fame.) The moral of the story is this: the 1940 version of Pride and Prejudice is a terrible adaptation, in the wrong era, with the wrong tone, and about eighteen key plot points removed. It’s also a chance for you at home to look up the meaning of “relative masterpiece,” because this is one if ever I saw it.
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(c) Defenestration Magazine, 2004