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Hellboy. Okay? Jeez. by Genevieve |
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ARCHIVES October 2005 It's a Scream: Sting and Olivier fight. TO THE DEATH.
September 2005 Eragon: a Rondo
August 2005 Veronica Scars
July 2005 The Dork Knight: Christian Bale's Spotty History
May 2005 Kingdom of Heaven: Choose Your Own "Adventure"
March 2005: Rich, Chocolate Constantine. More Constantine, Please!
February 2005 Express Yourself: A Guide to Kate Beckinsale
January 2005 Phantom of the Opera: Because They Paid Me
November 2004 Girl in a Labyrinth: Stills from the Sequel October 2004 Feel the Byrne: Excalibur and Other Horrible Period Pieces
August 2004 A Judge of Character: The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
July 2004 Change of Place: Rick Springfield Goes Abroad
June 2004 The Forsyte Saga: What a Terrible Plan.
May 2004 The Man with the Golden Pun: Van Helsing and Troy Fail Miserably at Whatever it Was They were Trying to Do
April 2004 Hellboy. What the hell else would it be?
March 2004
February 2004 |
Everyone,
this is my new boyfriend, Ron Perlman.
You might know him from the recent Hellboy, in which he wore a ton of makeup. Red this time. Maybe you're a Star Trek
fan? He was in Nemesis. The makeup: grey and bumpy.
No, seriously. I have been a longtime fan. I even sat through about four episodes of that hilarious show. Let me explain. Beauty and the Beast was a vehicle for Linda Hamilton to showcase 80s business attire and stand on her HUGE New York balcony a lot. Ron's job was to act like he was a half man, half lion rescued by a Renaissance scholar who lived in the sewers with all his buddies. My sides are already splitting! But wait; he saves her from a mugging, and then for three seasons they wonder if they can be together every time they are together, which is, oh, about 40% of any given episode. A relationship that smothering? Knee-slapper! It wasn't meant to be a comedy, I found out later. But there was a Ren Faire. Underground. Party all the time! Mead for everyone! Luckily, Ron survived because no one could match up his mug shot with that Celine Dion montage of a show. He got a chance to be the forgotten actor time and time again! Well, no longer! Ron Perlman is the star of the new Hellboy, which all of you are contractually obligated to see. (For any questions about the contract you signed, see Andrew.) However, it's not a hardship, because Ron Perlman is in it. And man, is he having fun! Only in Alien did I ever see Ron Perlman obviously having a good time. In Hellboy, he is having a good time for two hours. Two HOURS of Ron Perlman having a blast. Nachos are a plot point. So are pancakes. And kittens. What's not to love? A word of warning. This movie has no plot. There's Nazis and a big thing with Rasputin (don't even ask) and four or five times I turned to Andrew as if he could somehow, miraculously, explain what was going on. But he always had a face full of Cadbury and couldn't answer. How deeply confusing is this movie? Observe:
Even Bear has to resort to literature to figure out what the hell was going on in that movie, with little success. Luckily, Hellboy gets a position teaching in the school. Whew!
Ron Perlman, if you see this, please explain the thing with the guy in the mask, please. Thanks. In any case, from what I could see, the plot is this. Nazis use Rasputin to try to open a portal to hell and bring about Armageddon. Why? Apparently the Nazis wanted to be annihilated anyway? Also, what's the fun of ruling over a rotting ball of charcoal even IF you survive Armageddon? Well, I digress. The point is, Hellboy comes out of the portal, an adorable little red monkey, and is adopted by a kind older man and taken to the Ren Faire underground, and...
...wait... ...no, no, I'm right. Ron Perlman, if you see this, please have your agent call me. Thanks.
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(c) Defenestration Magazine, 2004
