My name is Steve Garret. Yes, THAT Steve Garret. Undoubtedly, you are already familiar with my most popular works, such as: The Selected Works of Samuel Taylor Coleridge Steve Garret (1798-1830), The Bible (Book of Love) [Not commercially available], and Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (Audiobook). You might be wondering, “Why has Steve Garret taken precious moments out of his busy life to contact US?”

You might also be surprised to know, I am aware that your little “examination” exists, and I have some words on how it could be improved. You see, I have been exposed to the SAT for many years. When I was a young boy, I too took this test. I am proud to say I received a remarkably high score, somewhere between 0 and 1600, despite the ritual blood-letting I undertook halfway through. I was aware, even then, as a green-behind-the-ears, 26 year old high school senior that not all my peers would make such short work of the exam.

Growing up with 4 younger siblings (Pat [1974-1977], Matt [Dec 31^st, 1976-Jan 1^st, 1977], Anshu [1980- Whereabouts unknown], and Staci-XXX [???-???]), I was able to gaze upon them and sympathize with their stress over the test. Since then, after my writing career REALLY took off, I reared 5 children of my own: 3 by my 1^st wife and 2 by the woman in the cupboard under my garage stairs. Before my controversial parenting practices came under fire, and the children were taken away, I had begun to groom them for the SAT. (I believe in an off-branch of the Montessori system. You feed only one child a day. When you do, said child must stand against the kitchen wall and have porridge flung at him from across the room with an unwashed ladle).

As you can see, I have considerable expertise in preparing for the assessment. Luckily for you, I have but a few suggestions that I think will considerably improve the quality and effectiveness of your product.

1. Relatable statistics. Students like to see numbers they can actually relate to. Sample question:

50% of marriages end in divorce. Your friend Billy’s mother and father enjoy regular sex. Therefore,

a. Your parents are divorced
b. Your parents will divorce
c. It’s not your fault
d. It is your fault

2. Word usage. One of the biggest problems I see in young writer(s) who approach me with their work is actually quite a basic one. Too often I see “their” confused with “there” and other stupid blunders. Sometimes simply asking students to use words in a sentence will engrain those words’ proper meaning in there minds. Sample question:

Use the words niggardly, fag (cigarette), and bitch (dog) in a paragraph. Please set your writing in a YMCA in pre-Martin Luther King Jr.-era Memphis.

3. History. I’ve noticed that your reading section often contains boring or irrelevant writing. Make it useful, and the students will pay more attention. For instance:

“My feelings as a Christian points me to my Lord and Savior as a fighter. It points me to the man who once in loneliness, surrounded by a few followers, recognized these Jews for what they were and summoned men to fight against them and who, God’s truth! was greatest not as a sufferer but as a fighter. In boundless love as a Christian and as a man I read through the passage which tells us how the Lord at last rose in His might and seized the scourge to drive out of the Temple the brood of vipers and adders. How terrific was His fight for the world against the Jewish poison. To-day, after two thousand years, with deepest emotion I recognize more profoundly than ever before the fact that it was for this that He had to shed His blood upon the Cross. As a Christian I have no duty to allow myself to be cheated, but I have the duty to be a fighter for truth and justice… And if there is anything which could demonstrate that we are acting rightly it is the distress that daily grows. For as a Christian I have also a duty to my own people.”

—Adolf Hitler, in a speech on 12 April 1922 (Norman H. Baynes, ed. The Speeches of Adolf Hitler, April 1922-August 1939, Vol. 1 of 2, pp. 19-20, Oxford University Press, 1942)

1. Welche Religion hat unser Erzähler Praxis?
2. Warum ist das Pronomen “Ihn” kapitalisiert?
3. Who is RESPONSIBLE for the death of Christ?

4. Essay prompts that are more relevant to high school seniors. Sample prompt:

Imagine, if you will, standing in the sterile, small box that is Grandma NaNa’s new room. The constant gaze of the uniformed nurse burns a hole in your back as you approach your NaNa. But her mind is ravaged and ruined by the FUCKING ALZHEIMER’S, and she hasn’t remembered your name since freshman year. You sit staring at each other, and the silence hurts more than unknowing eyes looking back at you. You even wore the sweater she knit you one especially cold summer. Just one more try, please, remember, please… NaNa… PLEASE… WHY… DO YOU NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE… YOU KNOW ME…

Discuss this scenario in the context of global warming.

Anyway, before I prattle on, let me shelve the ideas and say, these are but a few of my thoughts. I’m sure you want hear more so please be in touch. Visiting hours are 1-3 Mon.-Thurs.

Sincerely,

Samuel Taylor Coleridge Steve Garret

————

Mazi says: “My name is Mazi Kazemi, full-time student, yet I’m afraid I may have already lost the reins to my life. It may be meandering in some misbegotten direction, for all I know. Sometimes I write things down; call it a paper trail, if you will, and I don’t think I could stop writing, even if I wanted to.”

The house in question is assumed to be Poe’s abode in Baltimore, which in real-not-owning-a-raccoon-life is a museum. It is historic and educational. The Raven is neither, and even a more intriguing project because those involved with the film were dedicated to helping the Poe house from being shut down, and then proceeded to burn the shit out of it on screen.

Wait, what?

For those of you who don’t subscribe to “Ye Olde Historical House News,” you might not know that the city of Baltimore cut funding for the Poe House with the idea of it becoming “self-sustaining.” Translation: You’re fucked! True, I’m not a House Scientist (I got my degree in Sensual Horticulture), but I’ve heard through the (very hip) historical homes gossip chain that there has never been a historical home that’s survived on price of admission alone. Estates such as Louise May Alcott’s Orchard House or Jefferson’s Monticello rely on private funding (as well as other various means such as visiting book tours) and the protection of being recognized as National Historic Landmarks. The Poe House now has neither.

But! When I visited last year and spoke with the curator, he had high hopes for the soon to be released film. He admitted he was fine with the “re-imagining” of Poe as a detective-type on the hunt for a serial killer, and explained that some might be disappointed by the lack of historical fact, but rabid fans wouldn’t even be pleased if Poe’s corpse was dug up and re-animated. (TV series idea: Poe as a droll, bitchy zombie in a 30-minute comedy of errors co-starring his equally bitchy sidekick Truman Capote, whose soul was transferred into the body of a werewolf by a voodoo priestess. Tagline: “He’s hairy, but HE’S scary!” Send pitch to ABC, peddlars of classic shows like According to Jim and Are You Hot?)

I took the curator’s word for it, and avoided suggesting other money making suggestions like selling delicious sandwiches called POE’Boys because he would probably hate me and call the poepoe. (I’ll stop.) Instead, I enjoyed the exhibits and shoving myself up the narrow, steep stairs. (Not only were people smaller Back Then, but they must have had amazing calf definition.)

Indeed, the house was as difficult to maneuver through as it is to piece together the true facts of Poe’s life. The displays in the home discussed Poe’s re-imagining by those who wrote about him after his death. Over time his image metamorphosed from a talented writer who suffered setbacks, to the myth of the debauched drunk and drug user. The film, then, cannot really be blamed for taking liberties, but it can be blamed for failing to re-energize the public’s interest in Poe (which was the hope of many fans of and for the museum).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PGDV1SWRkQ

The Raven is the second of James “I-directed-V-for-Vendetta-and-it-wasn’t-half-bad-considering-the-complicated-source-material” McTeigue’s and probably should have been named “The Bone Collector with Top Hats.” This is because the film is so uselessly gruesome in violence it almost overshadows the haphazard plot about some serial killer who has such a boner for Cusack’s Poe, he decides to kill people in the same manner of Poe’s stories kinda sorta. The reasoning behind disgustingly murdering these people (or props, really, as viewers learn only the most basic details of the victims. Who cares! More guts!) is to “help” Poe return to writing macabre stories. I disagreed strongly with this intention, because Poe was doing a great service to the community by hating on transcendentalists and had his smack-downs interrupted because sailors were being kidnapped, murdered and dressed in drag. (Yes, that happens.)

"Suck it, Emerson!"--Edgar Allan Poe

There’s also a woman (there’s always a woman), who Poe is desperately in love with, Emily Hamilton, played by an actress with the facial expression talent of a donut. Even though Poe is a penniless drunk who wants to kick Walt Whitman in the shins, Emily is totally warm for that form! Her father, played by Brendan Gleeson (who pretends to be in a much better movie), is totally against the idea. Emily is upset by this: Why can’t she marry a man twenty years older than her who was once married to a pre-teen and enjoys feeling up rat corpses? (Yes, that happens.) But don’t worry about that conflict! Because Emily is soon kidnapped by the mysterious serial killer and a battle of wills takes the stage with as much gusto as someone breaking wind. (The end result is the same: you decide it’s best to pretend it didn’t happen and leave the vicinity of said stinker.)

So, to summarize: the Poe House in Baltimore is an attempt to piece together the man before he became the myth, while the film The Raven just wants to use up the shitload of corn syrup blood producers had on layaway. Which is a more worthwhile price of admission?

The Raven

Pros

• John Cusack’s confused face
• Capes!
• Luke Evans, who deserves so much better
• Cusack’s scenes in the newspaper office, which touch upon the climate of the literary world in the 19th century

Cons

• John Cusack’s confused face
• Alice Eve
• Everything Else

The Poe House in Baltimore

Pros

• Scenes from The Wire were filmed in the area so you can enjoy the significant cultural impact of Edgar Allan Poe and the Barksdale Organization  (Idris Elba is dreamy.)

Historically Accurate Good-Lookingness

• The museum’s handout is both informative and wonderfully caustic. For instance (paraphrased): “If you think the house is haunted, fine. But don’t bring your ghost potions up in here, Houdini!”

• There’s a looped VHS tape that shows all of the Poe birthday celebrations, plus an oddly fascinating play from the 1980s in which Poe gets his MAGNETIC EYES ON when he meets a boy from Modern Times for a Q&A session (Not as inappropriate as phrased. Sorry)

Cons

• None. Go visit the Poe House, jerkwad.

———-

For more information on how you can donate please visit Pennies For Poe and sign the petition.

———-

Today’s comic was directly influenced by my son, who has been in full-on Star Wars mode for the last few weeks. “Lemon Greason” sounds like a name a three-year old would come up with because a three-year old DID come up with it. As far as I know, Lemon Greason is the first original character he’s come up with.

At first I thought he was trying to describe an actual Star Wars character. My best guess was Qui-Gon Jinn, because Lemon Greason sounds an awful lot like Liam Neeson. But that’s not what he meant. So I tried getting details. Apparently, Lemon Greason sometimes has orange hair and sometimes has brown hair. Also, he has two mustaches.

The title of this one comes from how my son pronounces Obi-Wan Kenobi.

———–

Andrew Kaye (known in some circles as AK) is the creator of Ben & Winslow and other questionable comics, many of which can be found in his deviantART gallery. He’s also the editor-in-chief of this magazine. Duh?

I believe that the criss-crossing telephone wires above my sidewalk might spell out enigmatic messages if I could just figure out the right angle to look at them.

I believe that fishing is not only dull, but that fish probably don’t like it very much. I believe in going to movies on hot summer days and in sneaking in my own food. I believe that white sneakers are unfashionable any time of the year. I believe that fat people should pay for two airlines seats. I believe that most conversations could be improved by one of the parties not talking so much.

I believe that the grass is greener on the other side, that one should count the eggs in one’s basket, and that if I’m given a gift horse, I’m going to need a stable.

I believe that it is unlucky to walk under a ladder because something might drop on your head.

I believe that the world is going to hell, but probably not in a handbasket, since our planet is probably bigger than a handbasket, although I’m not exactly sure what one of those is. I believe that Robert DeNiro should never again try comedy, that television shows are better today than they used to be, and that Swedish massage is one of the world’s great inventions.

I believe that baseball is not only not literary, but also not interesting. And it has too many advertisements. Does each pitch need to have a sponsor? I believe that David Beckham’s presence in the U.S. will eventually make soccer a major American sport. Just kidding. Nobody really believes that.

I believe that the hair no longer on my head is growing out of my ears, that working alone is better than working with just about anybody else, and that we generally get what we deserve.

I believe in salt.

I believe that farts are funny, that babies are cute, and that duct tape has changed the world, although not necessarily for the better.

I believe that no religion is right except for my own, and that everybody who does not believe in my religion is really going to suffer someday. Just you wait. I believe that new discoveries in technology will continue to offer us more and more amazing ways to watch other people have sex. I believe that toast is better with butter, that baked potatoes are better with butter, that vegetables taste best if sautéed in butter, and that if I had to choose between all possible condiments for any given dish, I would probably go with butter.

I believe in stealing screwdrivers from Home Depot.

I believe that my kids are smarter than your kids, but will concede that my dog is probably dumber. I don’t mean dumber than your kids but dumber than your dog. My dog is pretty stupid.

I believe the world would be a better place if cats came in all the colors of the rainbow, and if they tasted like ice cream when you lick them.

I believe that somebody, somewhere, is my exact duplicate, only he has more fun.

I believe in hot baths and cold showers. I believe in flossing before bed. I believe that cutting onions makes you cry regardless of what you do to prevent it. I believe that unicorns are not real, that Bigfoot never existed, and that aliens landed in Area 51 and took over our entire planet, turning all of us into mindless conforming slaves in preparation for some diabolical alien project that probably involves organ harvesting.

Oh yes, I also believe that children are our future.

————

Steve Wilson once did something really cool.

Since the weekend’s box office receipts indicate that it’s already made the annual GDP of several South American nations, and Disney has wasted no time announcing a Black Widow standalone, in addition to their plans for looping the upcoming Spider-Man remake, a planned Fantastic Four remake, and a new Hulk series into the Marvel Avengers canon. (As a precautionary measure, the first Hulk movie will be put into a capsule and ejected into space in the hopes that only the four people who bought the DVD will ever remember it existed.)

But why stop there?

Hollywood has just begun to tap the crossover potential of these movies, and there’s never been a better time to embrace the idea of franchise cross-pollination in ways it’s never been done!  More action and adventure than ever before! A series of one-liners that don’t even really mean anything! Stuntpeople of the earth employed for a decade! Money’s falling out of our pockets and adhering to box office windows just thinking about it!

Some additional ideas, for free:

* Raising Jane: In The Avengers, SHIELD promised Thor that Jane Foster (Natalie Portman, burning through the rest of her contractual obligations) was in a secure location. But what was she up to? This touching dramedy hopes to find out! When the scatterbrained scientist finds herself in Witness Protection along with a pre-teen boy whose SHIELD agent parents were killed, will she learn to give up that science nonsense and open her heart to love? (Motherhood love, not actual love, get your minds out of the gutter, yikes.)

* Assassin Academy 4: In this hilarious farce, audiences will see that young Clint was always a sharpshooter – of arrows, and of zingers! In a movie that will have the skilled junior assassin cross paths with fellow teenage trainees Gambit (Colin Hanks) and Black Cat (Chloe Moretz), a flippant teenage Hawkeye (Elle Fanning) will have to learn the difference between killing at the behest of the government, and killing because your roommate has taken your Pop-Tarts for the last fucking time.

* The Real Do-Gooders of Marvel County: Reed Richards and Cyclops have had enough of all this supervillainy acting out, but they know violence is never the answer. They will do whatever it takes to bring Dr. Doom and Magneto to justice, the best way they know how: tough-love therapy on a reality TV show. With Nick Fury as their no-nonsense counselor, these two desperate despots will have to take off their armor…and their armor inside. (Includes tearful reunion episode where Magneto gets a visit from Mystique, and Dr. Doom stares into the mirror whispering, “You are special, you mean something, you are special.”)

* The Evans Trap: Captain America Steve Rogers (Chris Evans) is forced to return to his icy World War II prison to find the remnants of the magical power source that were on board the craft, and that may have woken an alien deep within the earth. To facilitate the mission, Johnny Storm (Chris Evans) comes with him to melt ice and hit on ladies (various B-list actresses and/or CW series stars). At intervals, someone points out they look alike. Pause for laughter.

* Alpha Mail: Wolverine and Tony Stark are both grumpy, wisecracking loners who like to take charge. But what will happen to this crazy duo when they’re forced to work together on a cross-country road trip, following case of mail fraud that threatens the infrastructure of nonprofit second-class mass mailings all across America? This insufferably smug rich guy and this insufferably gruff supersoldier are in for a wild ride full of misunderstandings, bonding rituals, and paper cuts!

* Going Rogue: At a key moment in battle when two Avengers are down for the count, somebody realizes that the X-Men totally hosed them by having a mutant on staff who could absorb anybody’s powers, say, hypothetically, at a key moment in battle when two Avengers are down for the count. They send elaborate corporate gift baskets to Rogue for two hours.

* The Assemblers: In this unofficial prequel to the blockbuster motion picture, Maria Hill and Agent Coulson spend two hours in a room filling out expense reports for Nick Fury’s travel bills, and administrative paperwork for current and potential Avengers. Adventure ensues when they have to decide where Thor’s passport should be issued from, since he’s a Norse god but Maria Hill knows someone in Iceland’s immigration office.

* Venomous: The Avengers’ evil-battling group schedule takes a hairpin turn when they come up against the dangerous Venom, and Bruce’s arachnophobia is revealed, rendering them useless. In order to avert disaster, they’ll have to recruit The Amazing Spider-Man, and probably also Sue Storm since there’s a crossover quote and she’s invisible and we can make her not afraid of spiders (if Jessica Alba isn’t pregnant).

* The Incredible Hulks: Eric Bana, Edward Norton, and Mark Ruffalo go into a room to determine who has the right to be the best Hulk. That room is an auditorium where they sit quietly as a film professor gives a presentation on comic-book icons as a springboard for comparative criticism. At the end, she gives her determination as to the best man for the job; that decision having been made, all three applaud politely and depart.

* [Norse Word for Fanservice]: Loki spends two hours walking and giving side-eye to things in slow motion. (Appropriate all-slow-mo cameras being developed. Anticipated release date: 2014.)

Good luck, Hollywood! The fans be watching, from the theatres and also probably once or twice from outside your house with signs.

———-

My three-year old son, who watched me as I uploaded today’s comic, started cracking up laughing at the sight of Winslow in an Iron Man costume. “That is ridiculous!” he said. I’m happy that this meets the approval of the young and illiterate.

I actually attempted three other comics before this one, but none of them were turning out the way I wanted. (I’m a perfectionist. For reals.) Then I remembered that The Avengers was coming out, so I cobbled this together.

———–

Andrew Kaye (known in some circles as AK) is the creator of Ben & Winslow and other questionable comics, many of which can be found in his deviantART gallery. He’s also the editor-in-chief of this magazine. Duh?

Simon says: In your face Neal Sedaka. Breaking up, is really not at all that hard to do. In fact Paul’s got fifty ways to do the deed. The balance of the tutorial is anchored by session drummer, Steve Gadd’s, way-cool stick work on this post-divorce, revenge tinged fantasy which topped the charts throughout the spring of 1976. It remains, likely forever, Simon’s biggest solo hit.

You Can Follow Me on Twitter @CallMeAl

Featuring a killer brass section and Morris Goldberg on pennywhistle (Man that dude can wail!) this was the first single released from Simon’s groundbreaking 1986 album in which he employed the vast musical talents of a vast world, and named after the quasi-religious shrine that yet endures at 3764 Elvis Presley Boulevard, Memphis, Tennessee.

MILF (aka, Joltin’ Joe’s Gone Lost His Swagga!)

Huge hit from the 1967 film, The Graduate, and released again in ’68 in its longer more familiar version for the single and then yet again for the Roy Halee produced Bookends album. The track arguably contains, some of the best-known lyrics in American popular music, though reportedly a confused and miffed DiMaggio did confront Simon in a Manhattan restaurant complaining that he had never “gone” anywhere, other than to do a few Mr. Coffee ads, at which point the Yankee Clipper then proceeded to dump a steaming plate of Scungilli into the songwriter’s lap admonishing him to “Put THAT in the pantry with your cupcakes!”

Hey, Emily…Got Something for Ya, Wherever the Fuck You Are!

An early showcase for Art Garfunkel, Simon’s erstwhile jewfro-bedecked sidekick, this gauzy dream-spun crooner pops up on the flip side of Dried Green Cooking Herbs, and was recorded in the same session as the 1966 album’s hilarious last track, a synergistic grafting of Franz Gruber’s familiar yuletide Carol and an Evening News monologue, ebulliently overdubbed as: Everything’s Going to Shit and Merry Fucking Christmas Too!

Not Enough Noise to Hear Nuthin’

Wafting about the narrow Village streets and cobblestones as early as 1964, the dark turtle necked duo planted this tune in pretty much everyone’s brain by the time it hit #1 on New Year’s Day, 1966 setting the reluctant folk bards onto a bumpy path towards a neon god from which there was no return.

Playing Games Down the Street with Someone More Ethnic Than Me

Released by Simon in 1972, and one of the first singles of the post-Garfunkel era, the song has variously been described as being about al fresco gay sexual encounters…with a guy named Julio, or perhaps with the Queen of Corona (alternatively referred to as Rosie) and possibly involving illicit drug use, or as Simon himself once said, “it’s just a bit of inscrutable doggerel.”

Getting Totally Stoked on the Queensboro Bridge

Simon’s feel-good paean resulting from a spleef enriched daybreak walk across the East River. Listen to it for too long and you too may Doo-it in doo doo.

So Yeah, I Continue to be Totally Fucking Nuts, Deal With It

Title track for Simon’s 4th studio album, released in October 1975, the song has served ever since as quasi anthem for an entire generation of balding, delusional, over-medicated, divorced men.

Yo! I’m Igneous

Produced in the UK in 1965 the Paul Simon Songbook opens with the sensitive Simon solo singing this simple, yet stoic, some would say, misanthropic hymn, earning for himself the moniker “Mr. Alienation.” Over the years there have been some whisperings that Simon appropriated the lyrics “I touch no one and no one touches me,” from the famed aging bank robber, Willie Sutton, whom he had bunked with during a brief lock up in Attica.

————

Doug Bond, a simple man constrained by two monosyllabic names, resides along the Northern California coast in a foggy, windswept dune field once referred to as the Outer Lands, where he endeavors to keep all the hungry beasts with whom he is co-domiciled well fed. Additional confabulations and portals to virtual worlds may be found here: www.dougbond.me

So I guess I should be happy for a fan fiction writer to get such success, but does it mean that her book is any good? It’s nothing new. Back in the 1800s, Marquis de Sade defined the genre and Pauline Reage’s Story of O is an honored classic. I’m not sure if a woman who based her career off the Twilight series realizes what has come before her.

This leads me to the ultimate in BDSM whimsy, The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy. For those of you unfortunate souls who are not familiar with this, you are missing out on the good stuff: archetype characters, cheesy raunchiness and a fantasy setting full of knights, princesses, riding crops and orgies. Seriously, I slept with a copy of the The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty under my pillow for about three months.

So, haters are gonna hate and some people will stand by their love of Fifty Shades of Blah, but just in case you’re curious, here are the cliff notes of an awesome book:

Eileen can't wait to read this in HARDcover. (Gross.)

Plot Summary

Beauty has been cursed to sleep for a hundred years and Prince Charming, a generic but loathsomely handsome douchebag, arrives to awaken her from her slumber–with a hot beef injection. Thus she awakens and the curse is lifted, her kingdom can prosper and she lived happily ever after.

That is until she is sent as tribute to Queen Eleanor’s domain. Thus, Beauty spends the rest of the novel absolutely naked, with the exception of her glorious blonde hair and nipple clamps, as she is taught the ways of servitude. Once at the palace, she learns that all neighboring kingdoms must send their young nubile princes and princesses for their “training.”

A lot of spanking occurs. Barehanded spanking, wooden paddle spanking, golden paddle spanking, spanking that happens while being chased by a lady on horseback. And some fornicating happens as well, but not enough to spoil over two-hundred pages of glorious spanking!

Beauty is kept as the Prince’s prized possession, but is still forced visit the other parts of the castle. Along with the other tributes, she meets various members of the court, from her groomer Leon to misanthropic Chelsea Handler … errr … Lady Julianna. In the Hall of Punishments, Beauty is warned that rebelling will only lead to “punishment,” which seems no different than the typical daily occurrences around the palace (consistency is important). Prince Alexis, the Queen’s favored tribute, intrigues Beauty and later she meets with him and they “copulate” and “share their feelings” and he goes on a long droning back story about his own arrival at the castle two years prior, which is not so much different from Beauty’s experience with the exception of more man-on-man spanking and stuff.

Oh yes – and there’s the Bridle Path, perhaps the most poignant novel chapter ever written in the American Literary Canon. One of the favored sports of the court is to have the young tributes march down through the gardens while a Lord or Lady rides behind them and swats them with a golden paddle. Beauty is just such a quick learner, she gets to participate on page 136!

While Beauty learns quickly to be a submissive good slave and to enjoy being poked by every passing noble, she continually earns the favor of the court. However, as a last minute plot twist, she chooses to rebel! Then the reader becomes aware of a secondary plot twist where Prince Charming, in order to maintain his dignified station, must sentence Beauty to be punished in the village. And this leads into the next book, Beauty’s Punishment, which has evil inn keepers, pony play and eventually pirates!

Characters

Beauty – aptly named, Beauty is young, morose and ultimately scandalized by the shame thrust upon her. She is the poster child for liberals who are fighting against the conservatives’ war on women.

Imagine Taylor Swift walks into a male strip club and says, “Oh my! I only needed to use the bathroom!” and after a few lines of coke later, she walks out as Lindsay Lohan.

Prince Charming – Remember that dude who was in your freshmen composition class in college who showed up drunk to class and wrote a four page final research paper on why the NY Yankees are the greatest bowling team in history? You know, who I’m talking about. He was in this frat and was talking about how much he couldn’t wait to paddle the next rounds of pledges and then he tried to win chicks because he suddenly turned artistic?

No? Ok, here’s a picture of James Franco.

This is James Franco.

Queen Eleanor – After a long career of terrorizing the American political system and a failed attempt at the Republican nomination for President, Michelle Bachmann goes home, hides from her gay husband, has a cigarette and decides she needs a little stress relief. Enough said.

Leon – Beauty’s groomer and confidant. As a groom, it is his duty to bathe and massage Beauty after her various training sessions as well as answer any questions she has in regards to the happenings in the castle. He supplies a rationale voice in the novel and represents the close relationships between women and their gay stylists.

Lord Gregory – a fine mixture proper and molesty, Lord Gregory oversees the various pages and the instruction of the slaves.

Lady Julianna – One of the mistresses of the court, no one is quite sure where she came from and what exactly she’s doing there. But she has a thing for young princesses and riding horses. A severely flawed character that helped create the stereotype: lipstick lesbians cannot be trusted.

Prince Alexis – while dozens of other tributes are seen or mentioned, Prince Alexis is the only other noble slave that gets any characterization. He is described as “handsome” or “naked,” which narrowly defines him as significant, much like Beauty. While a public example of humility and submission, he harbors a deep seeded spark of rebellion deep within his bowels and thus is favored by the Queen. In essence, Prince Alexis proves that erotic novels do not rely on heavy characterization.

Locations of Significance

The Training Hall and the Hall of Punishments

“The room was dimly lit by a nearby fire, but its doors were open to the garden. And here Beauty saw that many captives were positioned on tables as she had been in the Great Hall, each with a Page in attendance. And all the Pages worked diligently taking no note of cries or commotion at any other table.

Several young men knelt with their hands strapped behind them. They were paddled steadily while at the same time their were being given pleasure. Here a Page stroked the engorged as he worked the. Here two Pages attended the same Prince mercilessly.” (pg. 96)

I’ve heard rumors that the basement offices of Defenestration Headquarters are used for these purposes as well.

Analysis

The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy actually defines fan fiction. Drawing upon folklore iconography, the text incorporates both the style and imagery of the fairytale motif. Okay, so Beauty becomes an anti-feminist symbol of passivity and is brutalized by many male authority figures. But in a way, it gets the Disney treatment: no one ever gets pregnant, emotionally scarred or ever has to use the bathroom. One lost chapter from the original manuscript: “Beauty Uses the Chamber Pot while Pervs Watch!” (I’m alright with this being left out.)

At the same time, the gender inequality gets taken care of – both princes and princesses are subjected to the torments and equally used and abused. While the typical straight male reader may be uncomfortable reading about a prince having to give a little sucky-sucky to a Lord, lady readers will find themselves smirking while saying, “Harder than it looks, buddy!”

Results

After reading this, I was minding my own business in a department store one day and realized that I wanted to start baking bread. I also had a craving for a good spanking. So, I purchased a lovely wooden serving board with a good firm handle, something understated that would go well with my dishes. Once home, I appropriately labeled the bread board with a magic marker – one side “A” and the other side “B.”

Note: If you are at my house for dinner and I serve bread and cheese on the “A” side, DON’T EAT IT!

Which side will it be, tribute?

Possibility for a Movie Adaptation

Hell yes.

Little does the public know that a Muppets’ rendition was scheduled, casting Miss Piggy as Beauty, Kermit the Frog as sinister Prince Charming and special guest star Susan Sarandon as the evil queen. Rumor had it that Bjork was even composing the soundtrack with musical numbers such as: “Rubber Dildo, You’re the One!” and “Labia the Beautiful.”

Somewhere in the great beyond, Jim Henson is twiddling his fingers while saying, “excellent.”

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Got a question? Send it to jonathandefenestrates@gmail.com!

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I actually had no idea they gave out Pulitzer Prizes for editorial cartooning until everyone made a big stink about the complete lack of a fiction winner this year. (Which I think is worth making a big stink about. Because seriously?) I think it’s… amusing… that a Pulitzer can be given out for a political cartoon, but not a freaking novel.

Yeah. The subtext here is that I want  a Pulitzer Prize. For my political cartoon. Let’s make this happen, Prize Committee of the Future!

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Andrew Kaye (known in some circles as AK) is the creator of Ben & Winslow and other questionable comics, many of which can be found in his deviantART gallery. He’s also the editor-in-chief of this magazine. Duh?

Yes, she is quite large for her age. Funny story about that…As a baby Chloe clamped on to me and we couldn’t detach her for six days. Had to pry her little gums open with a pair of silver ice tongs and a car jack. But there’s a bright side! We’re sure that incident accounts for her 99^th percentile score in “atypical evolution progression,” and it saves so much money being able to share clothes with her. Thousands, really.

Whoops! Looks like Chloe’s lodged in the slide tube! Oh don’t worry, she’s broken free of much stronger materials than that—there she goes. Told you. Nothing to worry about at all.

I just wanted to thank you for inviting Chloe to Jessica’s birthday party. We’ve never been to a place like this before. We had Chloe’s fourth birthday at the Hilton, but it was a mistake, I’ll tell you. The shrimp was room temperature. Horrible. Chloe’s 97th percentile in “environmental sensitivity,” so it was pretty upsetting for her. The party had an Egyptian archaeology theme, and between the warm shrimp and King Tut showing up two hours late, the man playing the mummy should have known better than to chase her like he did. Even so, we offered to pay for all his medical expenses. Your party is nice and simple. No elaborate sarcophagi. It’s just that Chloe is 95th percentile in “anatomical mania” and she’s always had a love for old bones. Any remains, really. When her Nana died we couldn’t pry her away from the casket. We had to grease her hands with dish soap and get the funeral director to help pull. She SO curious!

What’s that? Licking the wall? Oh, Chloe’s testing the chemical composition of the felt. She’s 93rd percentile in “sensory audaciousness,” that’s how I know. She uses 100% of her senses for everything. It can be very exciting.

Look! Now my Chloe’s trying to bury your Jessica in the plastic ball pit! How wonderful of Jessica to assist Chloe with her relentless experimentation. Adorable. There’s your little Jessica now!—oh, never mind, she’s down again. Would you like some gum? I had to dig through all of Chloe’s Chess Participation ribbons, but I found my pack. Chloe’s 96th percentile in “square identification” so chess was a no-brainer. On her personal chess set she snapped the head off the king and queen to promote sexual equality. She’s quite the little activist! We’re not sure what eating the pawns represents; something to do with the role of the proletariat.

So, anyway, we must get going. Chloe is 92nd percentile in “pattern consistency” and if we don’t keep her on a tight schedule she gets pretty creative with her hair. Our gift is on the pile; it’s the one wrapped in organic natural fiber paper with Chloe’s art in red marker, right there on the left. You’ll know Chloe’s paper! She’s 94th percentile in “creative defacement” and designed it herself as a surprise when we left it unattended on the table.  I’m pretty sure she tested its chemical composition as well, so I apologize if it is a little damp.

Happy birthday to little Jessica. I’m sure we’ll see her in school when she catches up! Ciao!

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Amy Vansant’s humor has appeared in McSweeney’s, Cavalier Literary Couture, Skirt! The Big Jewel, and others. She was once published simultaneously in SURFER and Modern Maturity magazine. Tragically, the articles were reversed, resulting in the drowning deaths of four octogenarians and Kelly Slater’s life-long obsession with canasta. You can find her at http://www.kidfreeliving.com.