1) As a baby what did you want to be when you grew up?

    Father of 7 pups. However, that is not going to happen now.

    More of that later.

Lynsey Calderwood. "The Listener."

Yer staunin there, freezin yer ba’s aff, waitin fur this train that’s twenty minutes late. Yer fingers are nippin and yer nipples are like fitba studs, and all the auld man can dae is fuckin moan at ye as if it was yer fault. 

Charlotte Jones. "Family Tree."

Joseph Kim. "Crasher." 

I hit her with a light double-tap: boom-boom. Nothing major. Still, a whole rear-end will need to be replaced. Nothing is cost-effective anymore. 

Devon Lougheed. "Five Reasons Why My Housemates Hate Me."

1. I am much more attractive – All right, I’ll admit that they might each have specific areas in which they are better looking then me (except for the shortest one, who I have nicknamed Ug Fug).  

Iain Maloney. "A History of Our Lord Rene Descartes."

His mother, the Virgin Candy as the Roman Cartholics refer to her, was on her way to Tours for the annual Solipsist’s Convention when the angel Gary came to her in a dream and informed her that she was heavily pregnant with the Son of God.  

Andrew Tibbetts. "My Gay Date With Attorney General Ashcroft: a log cabin Republican fantasy."

My cousin’s butcher is his brother’s golfing buddy, so it was only a matter of time before we’d meet. Everybody who knows any middle-aged gay guy is eagerly playing matchmaker in these post-Will-and-Grace days. I’ve been on dates with half the Bush administration. It’s a big country but a small country club.