Feel The Byrne: Excalibur and Other Horrible Period Pieces
I must apologize, dear readers, for I have lapsed in my terrible-movie viewing. It's an occupational hazard; namely, when I have an occupation, I find it had to devote the sort of energy that bad movies require.
Though they find me, and in the next week I shall continue to deliver you synopses of four - yes, four - Gabriel Byrne period pieces.
For the uninitiated, allow me to explain. Gabriel Byrne is a colossal Irish actor who balances his supporting roles in well-scripted independent films with hulking period debacles. These are hilarious and awful, and I shall write a guide over the week that will help you differentiate, so that the next time you're held hostage by fraternity brothers in a basement with only Showtime for company, you won't be puzzled and questioning your captors, "Is this Arthurian or Danish Medieval?"
For the initial review, look no further. For the continuing saga, please refer to the livejournal .
DAY ONE: EXCALIBUR
Gabriel began his career with the King Arthur epic Excalibur , which is often lauded as an excellent sword-and-sorcery movie. This is incorrect. The movie is choppy and awkward and relies entirely on the bellowing shout as the means of verbal communication.
No one bellows as well as Gabriel Byrne, however, and the first twenty minutes of the film are a showcase for Uther Pendragon and Merlin and their breathing coach. An example:
Uther : You MUST help me, Merlin!
Merlin : MUST I?
Uther : I AM YOUR KING!
Merlin : SO! You NEED me again now that my TRUCE is WRECKED! YEARS to build and MOMENTS to RUIN! And all for LUST!
(This echoes, because Merlin has magical shouting. Then comes a resounding debate as to the spoils of war, so to speak, if Uther manages to enter the chamber of his lady love, Igrayne, and declare his love for her at ninety decibels.)
Merlin : What is ISSUED from your LUST SHALL BE MINE! SWEAR IT AGAIN!
Uther : I SWEAR IT!
Gabriel Byrne is only in the first segment of a movie that has approximately seventeen hundred thousand segments, none of which are at all connected through editing or narrative continuity. No one ages (perhaps shouting keeps them young), and the structure of the film is such that a sudden reappearance of the long-dead Uther at a feast scene would not be out of place, so long as he was shouting.
It also must be noted that Excalibur plays "O Fortuna" six times. If you find yourself forced to watch this movie, I strongly suggest standing for each rendition and conducting an invisible choir with precision and gusto. It provides for a lovely break in the shouting.
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