Prose

“Welcome to the Asshole Upstairs Association,” by Meggie Gates

Oct 16th, 2019 | By

Congratulations!

You’ve been accepted to the Asshole Upstairs Association! You are now a part of one of the largest growing populations in the world. This elite group of dick heads have been chosen as some of the shittiest, most inconsiderate people in the world. If you have no idea how your actions affect people, welcome home! The other 700,834 members of this society don’t understand that, either!



“Mike’s Non-Denominational Burger Restaurant,” by Jason Giltner

Oct 9th, 2019 | By

“Welcome to Mike’s Non-Denominational Burger Restaurant. My name is Emma and I am a digital assistant. You can speak to me in full sentences, just like a real person. I have thoughts and opinions, just like a real person. My favorite color is purple. I like the Boston Celtics. I find Wes Anderson to be pretentious. How can I help you today?”



“An Honest Job Rejection Email,” by Evan Warfel

Oct 2nd, 2019 | By

Dear Applicant,

You are not a fit the Creative Strategist / Thought Leader Associate role you applied for. We’ve also deemed you unfit for general living on planet earth. Fuck you.



“Part Time English Adjunct Conference Newsletter – Fall 2019,” by Andrew Maust

Sep 25th, 2019 | By

After reviewing our budget as well as the survey that let us know what most attendees will be able to pay, we have been able to secure a rate that most of our members will find affordable if not comfortable. We have managed to reserve the Sundown Motel for our conference. They offer rooms with two single beds, and if yours aren’t bolted to the ground, you can push them together to make a double. 



“The World Is Burning But At Least We Have Collective Nouns,” by Rosalind Moran

Sep 18th, 2019 | By

We’ve all heard of a parliament of owls, a gaggle of geese, and a murder of crows. But what about the creatures on this good semi-green Earth who lack a collective noun?