Prose

“Portculia,” by Daniel Deisinger

Dec 20th, 2018 | By

“We journeyed through the forest of the frenzied fists,” Armella said. She had her hands on her hips, frowning. “I got punched in the eye by a maple.”



“No One Cares That You Studied in 1952,” by Michael Augustine Dondero

Dec 20th, 2018 | By

Gabe’s been super annoying ever since he got back from studying in 1952. Just the worst.



“Warning Label,” by Nan Wigington

Dec 19th, 2018 | By

Remove child before folding.



“Failed Ideas Leading To And Resulting From Mount Rushmore,” by Jason Giltner

Dec 12th, 2018 | By

The faces of four United States presidents were carved into the granite face of Mount Rushmore over a 15 year period from1927 to 1941 by Gutzon Borglum and his son Lincoln Borglum. Today, Mount Rushmore is a prominent tourist destination and a staple of American culture.



“Alternative Schools for Your Kid That You CAN Afford,” by Lisa Beyer

Dec 5th, 2018 | By

Waldorf Salad School. From tots to teens, they’ll be chopping apples in no time! And did we mention mayonnaise? That squirty lemon thing? Big glass bowl? That’s about it. All day, every day. For a whole fucking year. Until Her Highness gets so tired of salad that she straightens up and goes back to the perfectly good school you moved to the suburbs for in the first place.



“The Lamb of God,” by Ali Kashkouli

Nov 28th, 2018 | By

Every child grows up and slowly acquires the knowledge of social norms within the particular society in which they are being raised. The immigrant child, however, faces the specific problem of trying to merge two conceptions of normalcy: that of their parents, and that of their peers. With these dichotomous views one can’t help but feel a little different. Much of this otherness stems from a variance in religion and the cultural rituals that sprout from it. And when it came to “otherness,” even at an early age I was well on my way to cornering the market. My personal exposure to basic Christian beliefs was so limited during my childhood that there was a time when I just thought “Christ” was a surname. I imagined the village mixers in Nazareth during his infancy…



“The Hidden Dangers of Leaning,” by Benny Neylon

Nov 21st, 2018 | By

Sitting will kill you. That’s a scientific fact: a new paper in the Lancet shows that every minute spent sitting on the toilet takes as many as seven minutes off your lifespan. Consider that as you hunker down there, peering at your smartphone!



“The future of urban transportation is in the past,” by Gabe Capone

Nov 14th, 2018 | By

Dear Chase Bank,

Bike sharing is rolling through every major city in America as the go-to mode of transportation for commuters and cruisers alike. I’m sure as a large bank it boils your blood to see your competitors being hailed as the savior from subways and buses.



“Confessions of a Spelling Bee Burnout,” by Brent Hearn

Nov 7th, 2018 | By

Tonight, on the eve of my third national spelling bee, I can’t help but wonder what it’s all been for.

I’m 11 years old and I’m over the hill. This year, a five-year-old girl qualified for the national bee. Five. Years. Old. You’ve got to wonder what losing to a toddler does to a promising young mental athlete.



“Camp Crystal Lake: A Trip Advisor Review,” by David Elliott

Oct 31st, 2018 | By

Avoid this place.

The amenities, the cleanliness, the customer service, everything leaves a lot to be desired, and I certainly wouldn’t take my family here ever again. The only reason I gave this place even one star was due to the peace of mind provided by the ever-vigilant security guard, Mr Voorhees, who would stroll through the woods, every single night, with his protective white hockey mask and machete.