Prose

“Notes Regarding Becca and Peter’s Wedding Registry,” by Lareign Ward

Sep 27th, 2017 | By

Turkish Cotton Towel Set, 6 Piece, $150

These are very nice towels, but I just don’t know why they need two sets of them. One for bathing, and one for banging? But these are too pricey for that. Sophomore year, she was hooking up a lot and had a towel – I think it was purple, at least originally – that she called “the splooge towel.” She always washed separately. I kept asking her, “Why do we need a towel? What’s coming out of there, exactly?” She wouldn’t answer me. But when the time came, I was so worried that I used two towels. Then I texted her afterward, and she told me she was proud of me, and I was so giddy that I didn’t ask if she meant the towels or the sex-having.



“Food Containers of My Exes,” by Tim Covell

Sep 20th, 2017 | By

I knew it wouldn’t last when Charlie picked out the plastic container for the half dozen cookies she insisted I take home. The box and the lid were different brands. They didn’t quite fit, and she was too impatient and uncaring to find the correct halves in her messy cupboard. She forced the lid, telling me it didn’t matter. We clearly had different priorities. When I called to thank her for the cookies, which she had made from scratch and which were very good, I told her we weren’t going to work out. She didn’t want her container back. I was tempted to throw it out, but decided the two halves might be useful someday, and added them to my collection.



“New listings on RentMyCar.com!” by Vijay Ilankamban

Sep 13th, 2017 | By

Nissan GT-R (2014)

Looking for renters! For only $35 a day, you can rent out my beautiful 4-seat Nissan GT-R. This impressive luxury car is safe to drive, excellent on gas, and with less than 40,000 miles on it, has still managed to hit & kill 454 deer. If you’re looking for some peace and quiet, this is definitely the car for you. The Nissan GT-R is a very quiet drive, so you’ll barely hear any noise when you slam into deer after deer on your drive to the grocery store, to the laundry pickup, or to the end of your driveway and back. The Nissan GT-R also comes with a powerful sunroof, Bluetooth connectivity and a first-class navigation system, in case you’re trying to track down and wipe out an entire family of deer that are on the run from you. Contact me to rent out this beautiful car!



“Letter to the Editor: An Impassioned Plea for Assistance in Locating My Supermarket Soul Mate,” by Brent Hearn

Sep 6th, 2017 | By

Dear Editor,

This is the first time I’ve ever written a “letter to the editor.” Though I must confess I’m not a subscriber to your newspaper, I have been known to peruse its contents at the library. I am a big fan of the in-depth coverage you provide of the Saturday night races at our local “speedway.” And ever since my social media accounts were suspended (for various unfounded reasons too trivial to mention), your “police blotter” provides a means for me to keep up with the various goings-on of my friends, coworkers, and former classmates.



“This Emergency Spill Response Will Officially Kick-Off Once Domino’s Delivers Those 746 Party Pizzas,” by Jack Caseros

Aug 30th, 2017 | By

Can I get everyone’s attention?

My name is Terry Clemette, and I am your Operations Sections Chief. It’s a big group, please get in close. Closer, please. We have a lot of material to cover.



“Sidewalk Minimalist Renounces Soapbox in Favor of Just Jumping Really High,” by Gretchen Uhrinek

Aug 23rd, 2017 | By

ASHEVILLE, NC. A local sidewalk minimalist has renounced his soapbox in favor of just jumping really high, reports say. Nic Haines, a minimalist known for his impassioned diatribes against materialism, says he now feels freer than ever.



“All Star,” by Luka Watts

Aug 20th, 2017 | By

The only thing to have survived the apocalypse is a recording of All Star by Smash Mouth. And language and grammar, because the man transcribing my story couldn’t be bothered to think of new grammatical and linguistic rules for a story he isn’t interested in. I imagine he listened to All Star and figured out the old ones or something. It upset me to hear he wasn’t interested in my story, because I think it’s quite good.



“Jillian Michael Joins My Writing Group,” by Nicola Davison

Aug 20th, 2017 | By

We are settled on our chairs, laptops atop laps, mugs of tea in hand, ready to hear the first short story when the buzzer buzzes. “Hang on. I thought we were all here,” says Darlene. We have our meetings in a small living room on the fourth floor of a downtown apartment building. We are only five, so we don’t need much space. “Someone named Jillian. Says you invited her,” she looks at me. “Sounds quite bossy.”



“Monster of the Week,” by Fred Coppersmith

Aug 20th, 2017 | By

They say the camera adds ten or even fifteen pounds. Maybe that’s why Harvey didn’t notice the dragon was quite so big until the darn thing actually ate him.



“Auntie Barb Saves the World,” by Christina Scott

Aug 20th, 2017 | By

Scalp 1: (Brunette male, crew cut) I’m leaving this note for my progeny. In the future, I will be known as the Savior of the World. You’re probably reading this from behind a glass box in some overrated museum where you have to eat Triscuits and sip apple juice while looking really constipated. Congratulations on finding the only cool thing on display. The scalp I’m writing on was from a guy you would have liked. Running out of room. I’ll switch to the redhead.