Prose

“Mike’s Non-Denominational Burger Restaurant,” by Jason Giltner

Oct 9th, 2019 | By

“Welcome to Mike’s Non-Denominational Burger Restaurant. My name is Emma and I am a digital assistant. You can speak to me in full sentences, just like a real person. I have thoughts and opinions, just like a real person. My favorite color is purple. I like the Boston Celtics. I find Wes Anderson to be pretentious. How can I help you today?”



“An Honest Job Rejection Email,” by Evan Warfel

Oct 2nd, 2019 | By

Dear Applicant,

You are not a fit the Creative Strategist / Thought Leader Associate role you applied for. We’ve also deemed you unfit for general living on planet earth. Fuck you.



“Part Time English Adjunct Conference Newsletter – Fall 2019,” by Andrew Maust

Sep 25th, 2019 | By

After reviewing our budget as well as the survey that let us know what most attendees will be able to pay, we have been able to secure a rate that most of our members will find affordable if not comfortable. We have managed to reserve the Sundown Motel for our conference. They offer rooms with two single beds, and if yours aren’t bolted to the ground, you can push them together to make a double. 



“The World Is Burning But At Least We Have Collective Nouns,” by Rosalind Moran

Sep 18th, 2019 | By

We’ve all heard of a parliament of owls, a gaggle of geese, and a murder of crows. But what about the creatures on this good semi-green Earth who lack a collective noun?



“What Women in Science are Really Wearing These Days (Contrary to What Most ‘Women in STEM’ Posters Would Have You Believe Are Always Lab Coats) OR Things That I Have Actually Worn as an Actual Scientist Doing Actual Science,” by Sarah Totton

Sep 10th, 2019 | By

1. Steel-toed rubber boots. Because nothing says “Thank god!” more than not breaking a toe as a cloven hoof stamps on your foot when you’re ankle-deep in cow manure.