Nonfiction

“It’s All Greek to Me!” by Jennifer Schaupp

Jun 21st, 2017 | By

How people romantically pair up eludes me. I’d have a better chance of learning Greek from a teacher who only spoke Greek before understanding the rules and non-rules of the dating scene. I once told a gentleman pursuing me that I was in between phones. I don’t know exactly what that means, but it sounded plausible, especially in the early otts when people were exploring the possibilities of cell phones. I just didn’t know how to let him down honestly, even though I believe in the definition of honesty and how it can positively impact your life.



“Wake up, Sheep—Paul Giamatti Is Not Dead!” by Daniel Galef

Jun 14th, 2017 | By

I know I’m going to catch a lot of flak for this, but I don’t care, because PEOPLE DESERVE TO KNOW THE TRUTH, and I’m not going to CENSOR MYSELF just because there are some things that THEY don’t want us thinking!



“My Opinion, Which I’m Entitled To,” by Jay Morris

May 31st, 2017 | By

I think we humans have been doing a pretty rotten job taking care of the Earth lately, and that we should therefore consider turning over our dominion of the planet to another species. I suggest possums. They are smart and have little hands—maybe they’ll be able to use some of the tools we leave behind. Except jigsaws. I don’t like the idea of possums with jigsaws.



“God Hates Me, or How to Keep Your Crush from Knowing the Truth about You,” by Michelle Motoyoshi

May 17th, 2017 | By

God hates me. And now I have proof.

See, there’s this guy. Cute. Awkward. I’m hoping smart. He’s caught my attention. But, because God must hate me, the list of reasons why we’d never work is depressingly long, so I hold no hope that anything beyond requisite pleasantries will ever transpire between us. And yet this guy short-circuits my brain like no one else has. When I get within 10 feet of him, my usually coherent mind vacates the premises and leaves a bumbling, babbling half-wit in its place, believing, I guess, that I won’t notice.



“The Long Limp,” by St John Karp

Apr 26th, 2017 | By

I’m not disabled, just a terrible person. The boyfriend sometimes accuses me of being manic when I write to him at 3:30 a.m. calling him a magnificent, exotic pitcher plant or a gorgeously ornamented egg-cup. But not disabled — I feel like that’s an important piece of information before we start.



“An Insider’s Guide To Paris From a Guy Who Just Spent a Long Weekend There,” by Tim Eberle

Mar 22nd, 2017 | By

It’s no secret that Paris is one of the world’s truly magical getaway destinations. Renowned far and wide for its art, culture, and world-class dining, a Parisian vacation will soon have even the Beastliest visitor overcome by its Beauty. But in a city cock-full of so many amazing things to see, do and eat, how can anyone be sure that they’re making the most of their European adventure? Well, fear not “mon ami”—I’ve just gotten back from a three-day, two-night stay in “The City By The Lights,” and I’ve compiled the ultimate Insider’s Guide that will soon have you cheering “oui oui!” just like you were a local!



“Period Piece,” by Liz Sheehan

Mar 15th, 2017 | By

I used to have a difficult period. In my teens it would come upon me unannounced at 38 days or 43 days, whenever my uterus decided to get busy. By my early twenties, things had pretty much settled down and my period had become just another small nuisance to be taken care of. Most important was making sure that I was prepared for it. Not being prepared for it on one occasion had led to my crowning moment of street attitude, followed shortly by my crowning moment of street humiliation.



“The Effectiveness of Feeding a Flock of Leucophaeus atricilla as a Method of Counteracting Querulous Behavior in a 10-Year-Old Male Child,” by Laura Jackson Roberts

Mar 1st, 2017 | By

The apathetic pre-adolescent child’s tendency towards whining and boredom when required to participate in a family vacation event has been documented by child psychologists. One method of entertaining a child who prefers video games to outside activity was tested on a 10-year-old male subject. The subject was given a slice of Italian bread and instructed to offer it to a flock of laughing gulls in order observe the length of time he would interact with the birds and if he would have a positive reaction, thereby indicating amusement and providing his parents with an extended period of time devoid of disgruntled complaints during which they might dilute their emotional fatigue with an inhibition-lowering ethyl alcohol.



“Nautical Terms You Can Giggle at But You May be Broken,” by Simon Pinkerton

Feb 22nd, 2017 | By

Poop deck—where you walk about on the boat. The classic rude boating term.

Head—the toilet on a boat, and also a term for oral sex that Lou Reed thought rhymes with “head” (I know, it’s the same word!).

Abreast—when two boats lay together in a way the Bible probably frowns upon; a boob.



“Dear Armpit Picker,” by Ragna (Ronia) Smits

Jan 11th, 2017 | By

Dear Armpit Picker,

Ignoring the “ick” factor, I am astounded, if not awed, by your devotion to personal grooming: shared so generously with everyone in the compartment (bar those glued to their iPhones). Let me applaud you. While your three female companions, shrieking gleefully like starving coyotes over a kill, chose to disregard the no eating or drinking signs posted above them, by cramming their faces with burgers, fries and noisy slurps of bucket-size soda, you remained the outsider, the iconoclast, quietly picking away at your armpit, save for the occasional “shit,” “fuck,” and intensive “motherfucker.” Eyes straining, nay, bulging, tongue hanging out in deep concentration like a thirsty bloodhound. Yours was a very long tongue! I mean, for God’s sake, woman, have you no shame, taking it out in public? Anyway, I jest—and forgive the canine comparison. Undoubtedly, like a bloodhound (and under more auspicious circumstances), you are kind, patient, noble, mild-mannered and lovable. You are certainly persistent!