Fake Nonfiction

“Alternative Schools for Your Kid That You CAN Afford,” by Lisa Beyer

Dec 5th, 2018 | By

Waldorf Salad School. From tots to teens, they’ll be chopping apples in no time! And did we mention mayonnaise? That squirty lemon thing? Big glass bowl? That’s about it. All day, every day. For a whole fucking year. Until Her Highness gets so tired of salad that she straightens up and goes back to the perfectly good school you moved to the suburbs for in the first place.



“The Hidden Dangers of Leaning,” by Benny Neylon

Nov 21st, 2018 | By

Sitting will kill you. That’s a scientific fact: a new paper in the Lancet shows that every minute spent sitting on the toilet takes as many as seven minutes off your lifespan. Consider that as you hunker down there, peering at your smartphone!



“The future of urban transportation is in the past,” by Gabe Capone

Nov 14th, 2018 | By

Dear Chase Bank,

Bike sharing is rolling through every major city in America as the go-to mode of transportation for commuters and cruisers alike. I’m sure as a large bank it boils your blood to see your competitors being hailed as the savior from subways and buses.



“Confessions of a Spelling Bee Burnout,” by Brent Hearn

Nov 7th, 2018 | By

Tonight, on the eve of my third national spelling bee, I can’t help but wonder what it’s all been for.

I’m 11 years old and I’m over the hill. This year, a five-year-old girl qualified for the national bee. Five. Years. Old. You’ve got to wonder what losing to a toddler does to a promising young mental athlete.



“Camp Crystal Lake: A Trip Advisor Review,” by David Elliott

Oct 31st, 2018 | By

Avoid this place.

The amenities, the cleanliness, the customer service, everything leaves a lot to be desired, and I certainly wouldn’t take my family here ever again. The only reason I gave this place even one star was due to the peace of mind provided by the ever-vigilant security guard, Mr Voorhees, who would stroll through the woods, every single night, with his protective white hockey mask and machete.