Fake Nonfiction

“Mike’s Non-Denominational Burger Restaurant,” by Jason Giltner

Oct 9th, 2019 | By

“Welcome to Mike’s Non-Denominational Burger Restaurant. My name is Emma and I am a digital assistant. You can speak to me in full sentences, just like a real person. I have thoughts and opinions, just like a real person. My favorite color is purple. I like the Boston Celtics. I find Wes Anderson to be pretentious. How can I help you today?”

“An Honest Job Rejection Email,” by Evan Warfel

Oct 2nd, 2019 | By

Dear Applicant,

You are not a fit the Creative Strategist / Thought Leader Associate role you applied for. We’ve also deemed you unfit for general living on planet earth. Fuck you.

“Part Time English Adjunct Conference Newsletter – Fall 2019,” by Andrew Maust

Sep 25th, 2019 | By

After reviewing our budget as well as the survey that let us know what most attendees will be able to pay, we have been able to secure a rate that most of our members will find affordable if not comfortable. We have managed to reserve the Sundown Motel for our conference. They offer rooms with two single beds, and if yours aren’t bolted to the ground, you can push them together to make a double. 

“The New Yak Tomes Bust Sellers,” by Tom Ukinski

Aug 28th, 2019 | By

1. Game of Phones, by Sprobile Verizatt

2. Don’t They Know It’s All Their Fault?: Cutting the Ballast from America’s Rise, by Malwasse Wright

3. What the Monkey Thought, by Pitter Patterson

“The Time to Act is Not Now,” by Mike Fowler

Aug 14th, 2019 | By

In my recently published article “Don’t Change a Thing, People,” which is nominated for several prizes, I discuss in detail the many reasons why we must put off for now solving the problems that most vex us. The main reason, as I clearly and even eloquently state in “Thing,” is that nothing useful can be done at this time. This simply isn’t the year or even century when the most pressing issues facing mankind can be resolved either entirely or in part. Time is fleeting, and in large part has fled quite a ways distant from us, to another galaxy. The time we should have spent getting things under control is now hovering around in space somewhere, lost to us forever.