Fake Nonfiction

“13 terrible opening lines to ensure your after-work novel never sees the light of day,” by Gavin Bradley

May 24th, 2017 | By

1. The butler did it.

“How Do You Feel About Mormons?: A Questionnaire,” by Ryan Shoemaker

May 10th, 2017 | By

1. How do you welcome your new Mormon neighbors? (a) I tell them Mormons are the just the nicest people, then ask them to watch my dogs while I’m in Maui for a month. (b) I formulate a rescue plan that includes college football and a seven-layer bean dip when the husband slips me a

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“Share a Coke, I Guess,” by Hunter Toro

May 3rd, 2017 | By

In a statement to the press this week, Coca Cola reflected on the recent release of their new marketing campaign—“Share a Coke, Passive Aggressively.”

“Dear Abby, What Should I Do When a Slightly More Obnoxious Version of Myself from a Nearly Identical Universe Finds a Portal Through His Refrigerator into My Universe?” by James Adams Smith

Apr 19th, 2017 | By

Dear Abby,

What should I do when a slightly more obnoxious version of myself from a nearly identical universe finds a portal through his refrigerator into my universe, shows up totally unannounced, criticizes my taste in music and literature, and then eats all my chocolate covered pretzels?

“A notice. A reply.” by Jamie Richmond

Apr 5th, 2017 | By

Please accept this letter as a formal notification that I am resigning from my position as a telesales operator with FDE Energy. I understand it is normal practice for staff to work a period of notice. However, as I am still waiting for two weeks’ worth of wages from overtime I don’t think that transition period is necessary so I will not be coming into work anymore. I packed all my belongings on Saturday when I was forced to work yet again, so my return is no longer necessary.

“Robot Impregnates Woman, Sues for Fatherhood Rights,” by Liz Nguyen

Mar 29th, 2017 | By

“I’m going to be a father,” says robot Karl Weindfeller. The 6’ 2” LED-eyed, copper-plated machine makes history as the first metal man to impregnate a human woman and lay claim to her unborn child. A customer service representative at Mueller Brewery, Weindfeller is suing his one-night partner and carrier of the fetus, Alexandra Bourne, for legal recognition as the daddy.

“An Insider’s Guide To Paris From a Guy Who Just Spent a Long Weekend There,” by Tim Eberle

Mar 22nd, 2017 | By

It’s no secret that Paris is one of the world’s truly magical getaway destinations. Renowned far and wide for its art, culture, and world-class dining, a Parisian vacation will soon have even the Beastliest visitor overcome by its Beauty. But in a city cock-full of so many amazing things to see, do and eat, how can anyone be sure that they’re making the most of their European adventure? Well, fear not “mon ami”—I’ve just gotten back from a three-day, two-night stay in “The City By The Lights,” and I’ve compiled the ultimate Insider’s Guide that will soon have you cheering “oui oui!” just like you were a local!

“Waiting for Bukowski: On the Trail of Dustin Rohmer,” by Oliver Cuenca

Mar 8th, 2017 | By

In 1968, Waiting for Bukowski was released to extreme critical and popular acclaim. The film followed the life of one Chuck B. Bukowski, a fire hydrant from Brooklyn, New York, and the woman he loved.

“A letter from the lads of Ladies’ Choice Feminine Care to all feminists,” by Ella Gonzalez

Feb 15th, 2017 | By

Dear feminists complaining about blue liquid in feminine hygiene commercials,

We accede to your demands and have heard your cries! No longer will we use blue liquid in tampon and pad commercials. Following the rupture of our respective eardrums after being nagged to death by the sound of your shrill voices, the men of Ladies’ Choice Feminine Care propose a peace offering.

“Ad For a Freelance Band Namer,” by Kate Penney

Feb 8th, 2017 | By

Attention, Potential Bands:

So maybe you’re a group of old college buddies who’ve rallied around the idea that it’s your Duty to Transform The World through the power of Great Art (in this case, Art equals Music, and nothing else at all, right? Wrong! Read on).