Fake Nonfiction

“New Apps for Agoraphobes and Homebodies,” By Glenn Orgias

Dec 7th, 2016 | By

For the Ethically Minded Agoraphobe: an app which shows you the species of monkey that your current anxiety medication was tested on, and what happened to each of those monkeys and how they are doing now, and when they are going to be allowed to go back to the forest—with before and after pictures.



“Dear Neighbor: A Dialogue on the Kantian Ethics of Your Loud Motorcycle,” by Ryan Whalen

Nov 30th, 2016 | By

Your motorcycle is a badge of freedom. Those leather and chrome accoutrements accentuate just how free you are. Free to reject the mainstream and ride your own path. Admittedly, it is a path crowded somewhat by all the other aging leather-clad weekend warriors refusing to conform, but it is your path nonetheless.



“Times You Embarrassed Your Monkey,” by Lee Blevins

Nov 23rd, 2016 | By

The time you dressed your monkey in that lil’ devil costume in the middle of July even though his tail required more room than the interior of that lil’ foam pitchfork provided.

The time you agreed to a second playdate for your monkey and your best friend’s monkey even after your best friend’s monkey refused to return the favor when your monkey picked all the fleas and ticks off his spoiled little back.



“Drugs, Sex, and a Live Podcast Recording,” by Bethany Marcel

Nov 16th, 2016 | By

This live podcast recording is going to be so epic. The anticipation is palpable, and we’re sufficiently prepared to be both dazzled and rocked. We’ve been waiting six months for the tour dates to be announced and now that we know they’re coming here—here, of all places—we’re about to politely lose our minds.



“An Open Letter to Charlotte A. Cavatica,” by Elisabeth Dahl

Nov 9th, 2016 | By

Dear Charlotte,

Like the rest of us arachnids, when I was a baby spider, I looked up to you. Before I could even embalm a fly on my own, I’d heard about your barnyard heroics.



“Advanced Mother-in-Lawing: Under-handed Methods for Maintaining the Upper Hand,” by Mickie Winkler

Oct 26th, 2016 | By

Who is the most reviled human being? Who is the brunt of the unkindest jokes? The title gives us away. It’s the mother-in-law.

In this lecture I will not propose that we mother-in-laws feebly protest our bad reputation. Hell no. I say, let’s get born again into society’s stereotype. Let’s use it to get the benefits we so obviously deserve. Above all, let’s help our children expunge those feelings of guilt towards us now, while we’re living, rather than suffer those unfixable feelings of guilt when we’re gone.



“Playground X,” by Ron Singer

Oct 19th, 2016 | By

Proposal for a Ph.D. Thesis in Sociology The University of West-Central X

Introduction:

The sociology of children’s play spaces is such a well-mined field that it might even be characterized as a veritable minefield for potential dissertation writers. Horizontal and vertical studies abound, as do methodologies, which range from (unsurprisingly) the concrete to the theoretical, and from studies of single play spaces, to comparative studies of multiples.



“I am highly disappointed in this recipe for which I altered literally every step and ingredient,” by Alana Murphy

Sep 28th, 2016 | By

I have to say that for all the love this recipe gets in the blogosphere, I’m just kind of underwhelmed.

As kind of a leading voice in the food blogger comments section community, I set aside an entire Saturday to prepare this dish, eagerly anticipating the results.



“Budgeting Tips from the 1%,” by Valerie Lute

Sep 21st, 2016 | By

At my last gala luncheon, a senator’s wife told me a lot of ordinary Americans are having trouble getting by, and I felt called share my knowledge with my less fortunate countrymen. Budgeting doesn’t have to be hard. With a few minor tweaks, you can save tens, maybe hundreds of thousands of dollars every month.



“The Results of Your Sleep Study,” Madeline Popelka

Sep 14th, 2016 | By

Thank you for taking part in our sleep study. In addition to helping our researchers better understand sleep disorders, we hope to give you some insight into your own behavior. The researchers have compiled a list of five patterns they noticed that could be affecting the quality of your sleep.