Fake Nonfiction

“Flannery O’Connor, Instagram Influencer,” by Laura K. LaGrone

Sep 9th, 2020 | By

therealflannyo25 The baby looked thataway at birth, weren’t nothin’ nobody coulda ferseen or helped. All the same, he had a sweet smell to him on account of the Johnson’s ™ talcum powder. #evenuglybabiesneedlove therealflannyo25 The Curel™ lanolin might’ve helped, if the gangrene hadn’t settled itself in like a cat on a window seat. #warinjuries therealflannyo25

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“Class Action Notice for Users of the ‘Sketch-a-Flesh’ Brand Bioprinter,” by John McLaughlin

Sep 2nd, 2020 | By

If you purchased a “Sketch-a-Flesh” brand bioprinter (ViviGen, Inc.) between 2043 and 2045, you may be entitled to financial compensation!

“To The Influencer It May Concern,” by Catherine Lazăr

Aug 12th, 2020 | By

This letter is my formal resignation of all duties and services as your personal cellular telephone. While I am aware my sudden departure will cause considerable strain on your social life and estimated self-worth, I am no longer comfortable performing aspects of my job that I consider degrading, fraudulent, and a misuse of my abilities

“The Last Letters of The Halfpipe Lord,” by Michael Somes

Jul 29th, 2020 | By

Dear Customer Relations,

I am writing you regarding the frozen H. Habilis I recently purchased from your store. While I admit I would be hard pressed to find a more apt section for such a product than Frozen Novelties, generally one assumes that such items are made from ice-cream or a similar substance. Indeed, this is precisely the assumption I made, and while I wondered what exactly to do with an ice-cream model of H. Habilis, such a large quantity of ice-cream available at only 99.99 was difficult to turn down. Imagine my surprise then, when I went to section my purchase so he might fit in my freezer and discovered that this was a living (or formerly living) creature of flesh and blood.

“In Defense of My New Girlfriend, A Cannibal,” by G.G. Russey

Jul 22nd, 2020 | By

Hello everyone,

You’ve all voiced concerns about my new girlfriend, Jules. While I appreciate your desire to insinuate yourselves into my personal business, I can assure you that Jules is amazing.

I’ll admit, I didn’t know she was a cannibal at first. She doesn’t like to use that word because of how society has stigmatized it. Her profile said she was an anthropophagist, which I thought meant she was a professor or something. We both had a good laugh about that.