Fake Nonfiction

“Finding Love in Big Data, One Man’s Search for Genetic Compatibility,” by Nick Hilbourn

Jun 26th, 2019 | By

Hello readers.  Anyone who knows Nick Hilbourn knows that he’s a materialist.

Not just any materialist, but a DAMNED GOOD materialist.  I don’t cut corners.  You want corners cut?  You want someone to take your corners and snip them off with a pair of left-handed scissors (YES, I AM LEFT-HANDED…GO AHEAD AND POUR OUT YOUR BUCKETS OF VITRIOL…. I AM NOT ASHAMED AND I AM NOT AFRAID).  But seriously, you want to cut my corners?



“Emergency Swim Lessons,” by D. B. Silly

Jun 19th, 2019 | By

If you are reading this, chances are you are in a state of Drowning.



“Infant Girl Photo Shoot on Soft-focus Blanket,” by Chloe Yelena Miller

May 29th, 2019 | By

You wanted to see pictures of my infant girl swaddled in soft-focus, white blankets, right? I’ve posted my top fifty outtakes on my Facebook page. I don’t see that you gave the post a heart yet and you probably want to.



“An Update from Your Favourite Ultra-Successful Realtor!” by Alex Colvin

May 1st, 2019 | By

I haven’t had sex with my wife in 270 days, and counting! And I’m proud to share that fact! Do you want to know WHY? Because I can’t make money or further my career when I’m having sex! My main goal is to be to most successful realtor in all of the Merrittville region, and sex can’t help me do that. Instead, I get pleasure and release from reading my trade records and watching money pour in from my Buyers, who I’ve convinced need to pour the entirety of their pitiful savings into a house that I convinced them that they need!



“Jeffrey and the Runaway Sock (Not a Children’s Story),” by R.D. Ronstad

Apr 24th, 2019 | By

Editor’s note: In the profile of Jeffrey Banks we ran in the July issue of It’s Clothing Time, we learned, not surprisingly, that Mr. Banks elicits a variety of responses from shoppers as he travels the country visiting chain store men’s departments spreading his message calling for a better life for socks. He’s been labeled as many things during these visits: a comedian, a charlatan, a nut, a loser desperate for attention, a forward thinker, a visionary. E-mails we received after running the profile contained similar responses.