Prose

“Don’t Look Now, But I Think Those Tapered Jeans 30% Off Are Tailing Me,” by Luke Roloff

Oct 17th, 2018 | By

Okay. Play it cool. Don’t look. But I think those Tapered Jeans 30% Off are tailing me.

Why do I think that? Well, for starters, they’ve been popping up in my rear-view for two long weeks.



“Bleak House by Charles Dickens: a ‘One Star’ Review,” by David Elliott

Oct 10th, 2018 | By

Well, where do I begin when it comes to my dissatisfaction with this product?

I’ve always been led to believe that this novel was a classic, which would provide me with weeks of non-stop literary pleasure. Instead of which, I woke up at 9am, on the day Amazon Prime promised that my “pleasurable” item would arrive, to find my husband lying dead beside me.



“Dear Hailee,” by Chris Spies

Oct 3rd, 2018 | By

Dear Hailee,

I want to congratulate you on your 10-month-and-counting tenure of living in New York City. Based upon the recent life update posted on Facebook, you have experienced many things in the last 300 days and now consider yourself “a true New Yorker” (Marie, 2018a). These 300 days don’t take into account the time your spent at your parents for both Thanksgiving (Marie, 2017a) and Christmas (Marie, 2017b) or the photos of you on a beach in Cabo (Marie, 2018b). That trip lasted eight days, not including flights (Marie, 2018c)(Marie, 2018d) and included a four hour delayed flight on your return trip (Marie, 2018e).



“Someone Save Me From This Fresh Hell: My First Barre Class,” Brenna Donovan

Sep 26th, 2018 | By

I first encountered the new barre studio in my neighborhood as I was walking home after meeting my coworkers for drinks. The light streaming through the floor-to-ceiling windows and illuminating the crisp white walls and hardwood floors caught my attention right away. Suddenly I had flashbacks of my high school days as a pink leotard-clad ballet dancer, standing gracefully at the barre as I plied and pirouetted to my heart’s content.



“House: The Restaurant,” by Lee Blevins

Sep 19th, 2018 | By

Take a culinary tour of House: the Restaurant! The only fine dining establishment that feels like home, specifically the home of that upper-middle-class friend you were always jealous of.



“Why Can’t I Find Pants That Look Good Unzipped?” by Jeff Ward

Sep 12th, 2018 | By

Here’s a hard truth about destroying the future. There’s no guidebook. You’ve got your gut, and that’s it.

Hey, my eyes are UP HERE.



“How Following the Weight Watchers Diet Turned Me into a Ring Wraith,” by David Elliott

Sep 5th, 2018 | By

A few years ago, I decided that I might need to lose a few pounds.

It was the little things, really; lack of energy, clothes that didn’t fit anymore, excessive perspiration, the fact that I hadn’t seen my penis since 1973. I thought that joining Weight Watchers would be the most sensible way of going about this, that I could lose weight in a steady, controlled manner, in a friendly environment, surrounded by like-minded people who would support and encourage me throughout the entire process.



“Diary of a Facebook Parent Group Post,” By Kristen Hansen Brakeman

Aug 29th, 2018 | By

Hi CCHS parents! It’s Sheila Rasmusen, new PTA president.
The Varsity Football fundraiser is this Saturday!



“Diner Booth Abandoned, Voiceovers of the Unexplained,” by Alexei Kalinchuk

Aug 22nd, 2018 | By

Grains of salt. Wadded napkins. A scent of slivered fried potatoes in the air. This former site of dining, this leatherette monument to food-based fellowship remains desolate. But clearly someone dined here.



“Fish Out of Water,” by James Dupree

Aug 20th, 2018 | By

There’s a fish on my desk and it’s weirding me out. It’s just sitting there. Where did this thing come from? How could it have possibly gotten on my desk? The damn thing isn’t even cooked! It’s not baked, or sautéed, or pan fried, or pan broiled, or grilled, or poached, or deep fried, or prepared in any way that would be beneficial to me. It’s just raw, and not in a creative or delicious way, like sushi. Raw!