Prose

“A letter from the lads of Ladies’ Choice Feminine Care to all feminists,” by Ella Gonzalez

Feb 15th, 2017 | By

Dear feminists complaining about blue liquid in feminine hygiene commercials,

We accede to your demands and have heard your cries! No longer will we use blue liquid in tampon and pad commercials. Following the rupture of our respective eardrums after being nagged to death by the sound of your shrill voices, the men of Ladies’ Choice Feminine Care propose a peace offering.



“Ad For a Freelance Band Namer,” by Kate Penney

Feb 8th, 2017 | By

Attention, Potential Bands:

So maybe you’re a group of old college buddies who’ve rallied around the idea that it’s your Duty to Transform The World through the power of Great Art (in this case, Art equals Music, and nothing else at all, right? Wrong! Read on).



“A Friendly E-mail to My Successor,” by Alex Colvin

Feb 1st, 2017 | By

No matter how bad an event is, always immediately declare it a total and unparalleled success. This is surprisingly easy to get away with, as a) none of the frosh students were there last year to know how much better all the events were managed and b) frosh week events are so inherently forgettable that upper-year students will struggle to contest your claims anyway. Enjoy your success!



“Are You Familiar with the Hemingway Editor?” by Yasmina Din Madden

Jan 25th, 2017 | By

SCRIBES OF THE WORLD CONTEST
ROUND ONE COMMENTS “Lunch of Champions” by User4901

Piscespoet1969
5.8.16 2:49pm
I found a few places where there were lots of unnecessary words. I think a lot of words need to be cut, only leaving the words that move your story along. You have the makings of a good story, just revise so there are fewer words. Hope I’ve helped!



“Understanding the Solar Power vs. Wind Power vs. Magic Power Debate,” by Luke Roloff

Jan 18th, 2017 | By

Since the dawn of man, we’ve passionately debated which alternative energy source is best. On and on it goes, boring as hell. Always leading back to one place. Sitting Indian style in a semi-circle asking ourselves, once we’ve blown through all the oil, what’s the best way to make more oil?



“Dear Armpit Picker,” by Ragna (Ronia) Smits

Jan 11th, 2017 | By

Dear Armpit Picker,

Ignoring the “ick” factor, I am astounded, if not awed, by your devotion to personal grooming: shared so generously with everyone in the compartment (bar those glued to their iPhones). Let me applaud you. While your three female companions, shrieking gleefully like starving coyotes over a kill, chose to disregard the no eating or drinking signs posted above them, by cramming their faces with burgers, fries and noisy slurps of bucket-size soda, you remained the outsider, the iconoclast, quietly picking away at your armpit, save for the occasional “shit,” “fuck,” and intensive “motherfucker.” Eyes straining, nay, bulging, tongue hanging out in deep concentration like a thirsty bloodhound. Yours was a very long tongue! I mean, for God’s sake, woman, have you no shame, taking it out in public? Anyway, I jest—and forgive the canine comparison. Undoubtedly, like a bloodhound (and under more auspicious circumstances), you are kind, patient, noble, mild-mannered and lovable. You are certainly persistent!



“Dear Contributor, We Apologize for the Two-Thousand-Year Late Reply, but We Are Unable to Accept Your Article at This Time,” by Daniel Galef

Jan 4th, 2017 | By

Dear Sir or Madam or most likely a disintegrating heap of bleached bones,

The editorial board of the Libri Paginarum Minimarum Herculanei thank you for the opportunity to review your submission, but regret to inform you that we cannot include your piece, “Ten Reasons Emperor Titus Will Be Nothing Like His Father (Titus Will Definitely Crucify Me for Number Eight),” in Volume XVIII of our publication, which, incidentally, no longer exists and has not existed for some twenty centuries.



“Terms of Use For This Story,” by Steven Berger

Dec 28th, 2016 | By

THE LEGAL AGREEMENTS SET OUT BELOW GOVERN YOUR USE OF THIS STORY. PLEASE READ THEM CAREFULLY.



“The Interview,” by Paul Stansbury

Dec 20th, 2016 | By

Lehman stepped off the elevator on the 5th floor of the building identified only as 100 Canard Place. Directly across the hall, a hand lettered note was tacked to the wall beside a frosted glass door. It read, “Candidates for the position go inside.”

‘Inside’ was a long, vacant reception room. A single chair was positioned to the right of the door. Above the chair was another hand lettered note that read, “Please be seated.” Lehman glanced at his wrist watch as he sat down. It read 10:40 am. His interview was at eleven o’clock. Perhaps they would call him early, he thought. He kept glancing at his watch until the hands slowly crawled around to 10:58 am. He should be called soon he thought. The straight-backed metal chair was digging into his thighs and the trickle of tepid air that was flowing from the dusty vents only served to add to his discomfort. Suddenly, he was aware of a presence standing directly in front of him.

“Mr. Lemon Farts.”



“Tourist Problems,” by KJ Hannah Greenberg

Dec 20th, 2016 | By

Hi Irene:

I hope you are well. I know that you left a message wanting to know when we arranged tour guides. I’m answering you late because one guide has not yet gotten back to us. So, here’s the best information I can give you, at this point.

Quimby and I would like to pay for two days of touring. One has already been scheduled and paid for. It’s for our boys to go to Vallis Bohr and the Bohr Crater. The tour guide will pick them up at your cube and drop them back off very late in the day. He will make sure they hydrate at appropriate times and will otherwise take good care of them.