Eileen: This is Your Brain On…

“Oops!” Said The Raven

May 14th, 2012 | By

In a scene from the frighteningly mediocre The Raven, Edgar Allan Poe (played by John Cusack, befuddled-looking-actor-extraordinaire), discovers his house has been burned down by a serial-killer fiend intent on destroying Poe because of something something. But Poe is not to be deterred; he simply picks up his raccoon and goes to Luke Evan’s Victorian

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Fifty Shades of WTF

Apr 19th, 2012 | By

Fifty Shades of Grey, the erotica S&M novel by E.L James, is the following: What your mom excitedly told you she would be reading for her book club And then you said, “Mom, I just hit a cyclist with my car, got to go. Of course I’m not lying to you and insinuating that I’d

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What To Watch Since Downton Abbey Is Over And I Don’t Want You To Kill Yourself

Mar 12th, 2012 | By

Well, what the hell are we going to do now? You’ve watched Downtown Abbey (or Downton Abbey for losers who pronounce words correctly). You’ve watched it because you’ve had no choice. You love it because you don’t know why. Is because you love costume dramas and/or shows from across the pond? Is it because everyone

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Bag of Boners Part Two: Pierce Breaks More Shit

Feb 6th, 2012 | By

Bag of Bones continues! Big band music! Interpretation of small town citizens as idiots! More gratuitous scenes of drowning little girls! Let me tell you, you’re in good hands. I have lots of experience drowning things, specifically my Glamour Barbie. What a whorelet. When we left Pierce Noonan, he was experiencing a day of terror.

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Bag of Boners Part One: Let’s Get Clickety-Clacking

Jan 9th, 2012 | By

Bag of Bones is a glorious hodgepodge of scene chewing, nonsensical dialogue and a plot that was sunk into a cavern full of foot cheese. It’s like A&E needed an idea, snorted some paint and stumbled into its hand carved bookcase, knocking Stephen King’s award-winning Bag of Bones right onto its jeweled talons (all television

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