Columns
Don’t Make Me Go In There: How To Stall In The Public Stall
The one thing I hate more than clowns is the public bathroom. I have found some weird shit in the women’s bathroom and some weird stuff as well (see what I did there?). Probably the oddest was when I discovered someone had left a lacy pair of underwear on the toilet. There it was, pissing [...]
Mother, May I Throttle You?
Jonathan, I’m getting married in two months and my fiancee’s mother is driving me crazy! He suggests we both lay low, but there must be something I can do to make this more bearable. Help? —— Hooray! Gay wedding season! But, here’s the one problem with achievements in gay equality and gay marriage – you [...]
It’s Lonely at the Top
Coming from the “Land of the Freakishly Tall”, I understand the fascination that you vertically challenged folks have with our height. You stare at us in awe as if our size was gifted to us by the Gods themselves, making us preordained to lead humanity into a Golden Age of Prosperity, and that is too much pressure. I just want to lounge around eating various cheese and meat products straight from a can like any other normal person. I’m well aware of how amazing you short folks think we are, really I do, and I’m certain you’d like nothing better than to be our sidekick, which is why I’m gonna give you a few pointers as to how to get into our good graces or, at the very least, keeping us from grinding your bones to make our bread.
Book Vomit: Cleanup on Aisle Seven
With Borders being closed, one has to wonder “Where will I get my book-fix?” Sure, there is Barnes & Nobles, which promises to offer five-thousand different copies of Anna Karinina (ooo, do I want the Classic Series, the Mid-Classic Series or the Semi-Classic Series?!), or Amazon.com, which is known for wonderful “How To” guides, but [...]
Party Time Is Not Most Excellent
The first thing I think about when I walk into an office party is harakiri. I hate forced social time. Your coworkers, much like your family, are not pickable pals. Usually, I can manage ten minutes of a birthday/holiday/last day party until I reach my breaking point. Then I think of an excuse to leave [...]
All The Colors Of My Butt (Leave Me Alone, Disney!)
I am really disappointed “Tangled” wasn’t nominated for the “Best Animated Feature” category. Why was Disney gypped? I’m just gonna come out and say it: I hate Disney films. Now, I’m willing to admit that I might hate them for the wrong reasons. This has nothing to do with all the onslaught of straight-to-DVD films. [...]
Ubiquitous Film Review: The Fanvid FAQ You’ve All Been Waiting For
So, you want to make a fanvid! It’s an excellent idea. In addition to bringing new people to the fandom of your choice, it’s a way to exercise burgeoning editing skills, and it keeps you off the streets, which God knows you need. However, not just any vid will do. Having been on The Net [...]
Going Abroad (Or Two)
In the near future, I will be taking a trip to Canada, a mystical land filled with meese and rhetorical questions. Seeing as how I haven’t traveled abroad since Karl Malone got his shorts in a twist when he found out he’d have to share the same space as Magic Johnson, my passport has long [...]
This List!: What I’d Like To Read In 2011
Last month, I discussed what I would not like to read in the (relatively) new year. This month, I’d like to share the books I’m most looking forward to reading in 2011, that are totally not imaginary. Look for them in a bookstore totally not near you! Why I’m Gross by Roman Polanski, Foreword by [...]
Donner? Party of Four?
Ever get to your lunch hour and realize you forgot to bring your lunch AND your wallet? We’ve all been there. And by “there” I mean your desk, where someone stole your lunch and I stole your wallet. (Your driver’s license looks pretty good, considering your face!) So, what do you survive on? You might [...]
Site Meter
© 2012 Defenestration. All Rights Reserved.
Powered by WordPress. Designed by 