Columns

Lizzie Boredom

Jan 26th, 2014 | By

If the title “Lizzie Borden Took an Ax” doesn’t make you question Lizzie Borden’s innocence, you’ll certainly believe she was a murderess after watching at least ten different montages of wax heads smacked open and spewing strawberry jam.



Wow! Windows! I Don’t Think I Can Afford This Place

Jan 21st, 2014 | By

As you mature you start to make the shift from “barnacle in your parent’s house” to “semi-functional adult” (where most of us remain), all of it culminating in you moving out into the world on your own.



Jonathan’s Bike Adventure

Jul 30th, 2013 | By

Every weekend, I go to my favorite coffee shop for writing time. I hate driving there – it’s only two miles and comes with a residual guilt of being lazy, wasting gas and adding to our carbon footprint. Still, two miles is a long walk and time consuming because of all the major roads.

So I bought a bike. I figured this was a fantastic solution – I checked online and it should only take about fifteen minutes to bike up. There’s no pollution involved and this would be an excellent source of exercise. Needless to say, I was thrilled with my decision and was looking forward to incorporating this bike ride into my writing schedule.



Just Prop ‘im Up in the Corner

Jul 23rd, 2013 | By

During the course of our lives, we’re introduced to the people who make up the world around us. From birth, we get to know and love our family, and, if our personality isn’t that of a curmudgeonly old man, we’re lucky enough to find friends whom we care deeply for. These relationships grow and blossom for years to come, but those who you’ve trusted to not poison your meals will inevitably succumb to death.



Office MMORPG

Jun 27th, 2013 | By

Oh, the great comedy of errors that is the office. If anyone told me having a career would be like this, I would have pulled a Thoreau, found my own Walden’s Pond and happily starved to death within two weeks.



The Summer of 32,000ft

Jun 17th, 2013 | By

Airplanes and prisons are the two places where it’s absolutely impossible to escape from an unwanted situation.



SORORITY RANT MAD LIB!

May 28th, 2013 | By

Last night, I had a strange dream. And while I could not begin to describe the flowery wonderland of my subconscious, I awoke this morning with three Truths that seemed very urgent. Truth 1: Mad Libs were awesome. Do you remember Mad Libs? You had a sheet of paper that asked you to list out

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YOLO–h No

May 20th, 2013 | By

College is a time where you learn that ramen noodles are just as great for breakfast as they are for dinner, and that your clothes aren’t that dirty and could probably be worn another three or four times before needing a trip through the spin cycle. Oh, and for most breaks (spring excluded), you’re expected to return home, and if home long enough, find a job.



Set Feyzerbeams to STUN!

Apr 2nd, 2013 | By

OMG I am so excited that KING J.J. Abrams is going to direct STAR WARS. I’m a little late on this news because I’ve been busy moving from my parents’ basement into the guest house I built out of their shed.
For those who aren’t FANS of Star Trek 2009 (ugh, just kill yourselves), let me give you a complete summary so you can really understand how grate this classic is.



How I Contemplated the Giant Mess that is Downton Abbey and Moved on with My Life

Mar 25th, 2013 | By

In the case of Downton, Fellowes wooed us with diamonds, allowed us to fall in love, and then tried taking us to Red Lobster for our first anniversary.