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When All Else Fails, Resort To Beating
An important thing for children today is establishing their social standing amongst the roving tribes of feral children. Now, in watching various nature programs on NatGeo, this is generally accomplished by overthrowing the Alpha male/female, which is usually determined via some sort of violent altercation which, at minimum, ends with some type of horrible disfigurement. [...]
Osama Exposed (But Not In THAT Way)
You won’t believe this, but I, Alison Burke, lover of freedom and freedom fries, has stumbled upon a major discovery. The happy accident occurred while visiting the boudoir of the Pentagon, where hidden beneath the bald eagle skin rug, in front of a roaring (non-subsidized) fire, I found a treasure confiscated by the Navy Seals: [...]
Top-Secret TV Pilots: Failed but Fabulous
The dust has settled on the 2011/2012 pilot season! In some cases, beloved shows are gone forever. [Your beloved show here.] In some cases, our long national nightmare is over (Outsourced). And with a fresh new crop of shows about white people problems, we can all look forward to another year of groundbreaking television that [...]
Potty Mouths and LensCrafters
Dear Jonathan: You seem righteous and well-read. What’s your opinion on the whole “de-funding Planned Parenthood” debacle that was playing out in the news recently? On April 15th, 2011, the Washington Post’s Opinion Section had a fantastic article by Clare Coleman in regards to the five myths about Planned Parenthood. This was in response to [...]
Douchebag Education Begins at Home – Part 1
In honor of Mother’s Day, I figured it’d be apt to talk about our nation’s fine example of half-assed parenting. I’m certain that because I have yet to breed that I have no room to comment on how others raise their children, and if you think that, you can eat me. I’m not here to [...]
Let’s Hear It For The Ladies, All My Pre-Victorian & Victorian Ladies
Period pieces. They seem to be everywhere these days: BBC, ITV, AMC, HBO, HWC[1] . Modern writers like Sarah Waters and Michel Faber have had their Victorian era novels adapted to television, Upstairs Downstairs was re-launched, and a series written by Julian Fellowes has found a wealth of success (DOWNTON ABBEY!!! DOWNTON ABBEY!!! HAVE YOU [...]
Cube Calisthenics
We all need to keep up our shapely figures. But this can be hard with the barrage of sweet treats we’re force-fed at work parties. Combine your gorging on ice cream cake for breakfast and that sitting upright has begun to make you wheeze means you might need to reevaluate your current exercise regime. You [...]
Color Discrimination Gets a Bad Rap
Recently, I decided it was time to purchase a new laptop, nothing too fancy, just a better than average laptop for various nerdy things I’m into. So, I head over to Best Buy’s website to peruse their selection, just to give me an idea of pricing, and to compare specs. Most of them have basic [...]
Don’t Make Me Go In There: How To Stall In The Public Stall
The one thing I hate more than clowns is the public bathroom. I have found some weird shit in the women’s bathroom and some weird stuff as well (see what I did there?). Probably the oddest was when I discovered someone had left a lacy pair of underwear on the toilet. There it was, pissing [...]
Mother, May I Throttle You?
Jonathan, I’m getting married in two months and my fiancee’s mother is driving me crazy! He suggests we both lay low, but there must be something I can do to make this more bearable. Help? —— Hooray! Gay wedding season! But, here’s the one problem with achievements in gay equality and gay marriage – you [...]
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