Genevieve: Ubiquitous Film Review
Blood of Beasts: the HypnoHair, the Bearface, and the Awful, Awful Wardrobe
So, the two plots converge when Daddy goes back for his daughter and finds out that she’s totally dating Bearface, and there’s a big fuss and she’s brought home against her will and then makes Jake fight for her hand against Bearface. Standard stuff. So Jake and Bearface square off, and while the fight is [...]
“Queen of the Damned”: Still Not a Euphemism.
As this is unofficially Anne Rice Appreciation Month here at Defenestration, I took it upon myself to examine in detail the rich cinematic world that has been borne out of Rice’s fertile imagination. Then I put the Interview with a Vampire box down and rented Queen of the Damned instead. Queen of the Damned was [...]
It’s a Scream: Sting and Olivier fight. TO THE DEATH.
As Halloween bears down swiftly upon us, I feel that it’s my responsibility to review a frightening movie, guaranteed to set your teeth on edge, keep you from sleeping, and make you think twice about being in the house alone. My first contender was the 1985 classic Frankenstein morality play The Bride, if by “morality [...]
Veronica Marrs
Okay. Veronica Mars. If you are a hipster, a geek, a dork, a cheerleader, a guy who wants to nail a cheerleader, or someone on Livejournal, you’re watching Veronica Mars. But really, you should stop. I know they put out a big campaign to make you watch, out of guilt – GOOD TV WILL VANISH [...]
Christian Bale: A History
Dear Christian Bale, Now that you are the new Batman, I know you have a lot of people admiring your work for the first time. Since most of them are women, I will assume you get approached in the street a lot, which has to be uncomfortable for you, as you are British and therefore [...]
“Kingdom of Heaven”: Choose Your Own “Adventure”
There is a scene in Kingdom of Heaven that perfectly sums up the film as a whole. Young knight Balian, played with cheese-sandwich thoughtfulness by starlet Orlando Bloom, has vowed to defend the helpless. Therefore, he takes his ragtag band of a dozen glorified extras and rides headlong into approximately twenty thousand well-armed Muslims. The [...]
Rich, Chocolate Constantine. More Constantine, Please!
This month we examine Constantine, an antihero comic book movie based on “religion.”As you can see by my use of quotes, this movie will be long and contain a lot of pointless and inaccurate religious references. I shall ignore most of them in this review, as I ignored them in my free screening, because I’m [...]
Express Yourself: A Guide to Kate Beckinsale
I notice that some people seem incapable of tracking actors from one project to another, lovingly tracing their career path and supporting the dreams of someone they will never meet. I call these people “unfortunate.” I am told the common parlance is “normal,” or “not in need of medical help.” But we’re not here today [...]
“Phantom of the Opera”: Because They Paid Me
Sometimes, a small idea gets nurtured like a grapevine by a caring, skilled screenwriter. The idea is gently plucked in a wine harvest of writing, mulled and extracted into a rich merlot of character and wit, and (after a suitable ripening period) taken from the dark cellar of obscurity and poured for a grateful cinematic [...]
A Judge of Character: “The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen”
Recently, I had the dubious honor of watching The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, a summer blockbuster film that seems to have been made purely as an experiment in British character actor screen saturation. While subjecting myself to the three hours of steampunk ambivalence (perhaps it wasn’t three hours – more like eight? I’m not sure), [...]
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